There is so much inside I want to express.. yet I cant find the words or the means to do so. Its not been easy of late.. but Im managing. There have been times.. so many.. too many to count infact when I just wanted to eat my fill of kanda leaves or toss down several bota's of paga. I have not. I want to run and tell someone when I dont.. but I dont think that is an accomplishment to be proud of. At least the initial drive that brought me to this isnt. I feel myself getting full... to the point of overflowing and there is no way to stop it. Easy to say just tip the bottle back and stop the flow... easy to say that.. yes. But I cant. Im swarmed with emotions I was sure I would never feel again. I see Seth's pain... physical and mental. I watched as He tried so hard to make His hand work again.. and nothing helped. It is a relief that He is healed and there is no permanent damage other than a nasty scar that I cannot wait to be allowed to kiss and touch nightly. A reminder of my first healing with Him. His hands fasinate me. Hands always did. The range of motion.. their abilities to paint.. draw.. write.. create. How they touch and send emotions and feelings from the tips. How they can speak without words.. how they can hurt.. and kill.
Your own hands are different from the touch of a loved one's. I know when I feel pain.. I massage sore muscles and it eases the tension and soreness for a small time. But when Seth touches me.. there is an energy that flows and mixes within me. He has only touched my hand and my cheek. But in those small moments.. my heart tells me this is right. This is the Man I am to be with and spend my life with. My hands.. were crippled with work related pain last night. I tried to warm them by the fire.. I rubbed and moved them to release the tension. But it was nothing to the touch of Seth's hands. For a Man that works the strenght of steel.. bending it to His will in the Forge.. His touch is so very soft and gentle.. it would surprise anyone. It does me.
We worked with Thumper some more. That damn kaiila just doesnt like me. Even as my hands were throbbing... Seth taught me how to handle the beast and show him who is boss. My heart wasnt in it. I still have much in thoughts that muddled my brain. He escorted me back from the pens to the fires where we talked. I knew He had no answers to my questions.. only I could answer them. But it was a relief to at least say some of the things that weighted me down. We both spoke of being sleep deprived. He stays outside my wagon.. watching the childrens during the night. I am locked inside my own.... and though I want to throw away all the rules and decorum of life.. and invite Him in to spend the night with me... I wait. Doing as a Tuchuk is expected and proper. He waits too... He tells me how even being in His own wagon is too far from me. I know this feeling and I cannot wait for the day when we can soon hold each other.. explore the next step to us. I want the simple things... a quiet ride together on the plains at night.... lying in the furs.. in our wagon together and just talking of our day... laughing.. crying.. joking. Silence is a bitch. The sound of my own breathing is deafening. When I cant sleep I want to run from it. Even that.. I have curbed. Seth said I will not run once we are mated.. that I will have everything I need... that I will come to Him when something bothers me and we will deal with it together. He likes me happy.. He loves when I laugh. He calls it a song... a melody that makes Him smile.
Our symphony is almost complete.
I cant wait to hear our song.
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