Things were productive. Mainly in my life. My new found freedom of life and thoughts were... interesting. It was as if the haze had lifted.. the hood that had been pulled over my head was gone.. I could see... and I could feel. Yes... some of it hurt... but ammends were made and being made... I would be fine... I would survive.
I had met up with Nette again... and we talked. About this and that... Men and life. She brought up several Warriors She thought I might be interested in... I let Her. I knew deep down.. there was no chance in Turia... that would happen. Men and I would be a long time in the making.... I had been... tarnished. Still... One of Her.. suitors did approach me.. and I was my NOT so usual self. I listened to Him... Didnt threaten Him... but I surprised myself when I backed away from a touch to my cheek. He had asked to kiss me... I said no. He asked why? I said because it was useless and had no meaning to me. Then He tried to touch my cheek and I drew back... His words cut me down and left me confused. What did... fridged mean? I would ask Shi later.
The fire found Tarra and Cana... and visiting was nice. Tarra needed to check on Her son which left Cana and I to talk. We hadnt in so long... again.. that veil of controlling darkness was too thick. But in the end... I once more knew She was there for me... and supported me.. and I was forgiven... even if there was nothing to forgive.. in my heart... I felt better.
The nights have been rough... not the solitude.. but the dreams. How long will they last.. and what do they mean? I dream of a Man.. and I am running to Him.. but He keeps backing away the closer I get.. the further away He is. Sometimes... I can almost reach to hold Him.. but I feel a strong thrust to my chest and I am sent tumbling back... each time to start all over. I wake sweating and breathless. I know Shi checks on me... sometimes.. I find Him outside the wagon.. sleeping against the post and I cover Him up with a fur. Sometimes... I sit beside Him and lay my head to His shoulder... He instinctivly wraps an arm around me... and I find sleep then. We spoke tonight. Like two adults for once... I never raised my voice or got angry. I answered Him honestly with each question and I did not hide within myself. Confidence is growing... but I still fear the anger inside... waiting... wanting to boil over. I need to purge it out of me... but Im so frightened of its madness. Afraid once it starts... I will not be able to stop it. I told Shi of this... and He said without question... He would stop it. He was so.... sure. I felt... maybe... He might just be able to. I felt... calm. Neither one of us ever drained blood from our bond of joining. This alone says something... It gives me hope that maybe.... just maybe... there is something there. I told Him I would do it... and I brought out my dagger... but He stopped me. He said... dont for me... but only if you want to. I did not. Instead.. I spoke my heart and told Him I loved Him. I never stopped. I knew I had been washed into thinking and seeing otherwise... but nothing anyone said could have taken away the love I felt for Him. I was stupid for allowing it to happen.. but I was clearer now.. much clearer. He should never forgive me for what I did... but He did. And it is past. Over with. I will not dwell on it anymore. I know He loves me. I will focus on that..... it makes me... feel good.
He had to leave for duty... and though I wanted to ask Him to stay.. I knew He would be back to check on me. He told me such. I told Him I'd like that... and that I wouldnt be sleeping. He said to try... and I said I would. Yes... I would.. for Him. I have something to look forward to... and someone to try and make happy.
Yes Shi... I do to.. and I always will.
Let me tell you what I feel about you......
Let me tell you whats real about you.......
Cause you are all the man I need ...
and I can give you what you need
So come on over baby.
I've been watching you for so long
Trying to get my feelings out,
and being to strong but,
when I saw you around my way
I just had to step and say
that I want you for always
Every time I see you,
you act so shy
leaving me wondering
if your really mine all
i'm trying to say,
is that I want you for always
So baby quit playing these games,
cause if you don't i'm gon' to move away
See I want you baby,
do you want to be with me?
Tell me baby,
you just got to believe me cause
what I'm saying is real,
Oh man, whats the deal?
Should I just keep on,
or just move on
I was a fool to say the things I said
I just lost my head and made you cry,
I didn't mean to be so cold
I had no right mistreating you that way
And oh, how could I know the price I'd pay
Sorry I ever caused you pain
Sorry I, sorry I sad those hurtful things
But baby all that matters now is...
I wanna get back with you
Please give me one more chance
I wanna get back with you
Please stop this hurt inside
I gotta get back with you
I've been walking down these cold and lonely streets
I've been losing sleep
I had to prove that I was strong
And every night, every night
just proves me wrong
And to think i could have
held heaven right here in my hands
And oh, I just let it slip away like sand
Give me one chance to make it right
One more chance, one more chance
back in your life
Cuz baby you're all that really matters now
Cuz I wanna get back with you
Please give me one more chance
I wanna get back with you
Please stop this hurt inside
I wanna get back with you
Baby I'd give my soul
just to hold you one more time
Just to look in to your eyes
Cuz right now I'm high for life
No matter what I do
there's no living without you
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