Somewhere. That's where I am. Not there.. not here. Just.. somewhere. I dont get it. I am supposed to laugh and be happy.. and for the most part I am... but when it came down to being lofty and joking around with Seth.. laughing at what He said.. egging Him on... He got upset. Now.. I am no stranger to people being pissed at me. Tarra is... Cana may still be... and prolly many more are. But this is the first time Seth was mad at me. He said things that made me want to run and hide. I dont like it. For the most part.. I know why Tarra is.... She made it clear the other night that She had heard along the winds why I had left before Lochlan's pyre. Ok. Fine... but I told Her the reasons why. So.. if She chooses to believe what She heard and not what I told Her.... so be it. Doesnt change the way I feel about Her. Nothing ever will. We have had arguements and disagreements before.. we will have them again. It still doesnt change that I love Her... and it hurts me just as bad that I could not be here. But Im done with rubbing salt in the wound. Seth is seeing to that now. In a way.. I dont blame Him.. because.. He knows how I thought and acted in the past. Irrational... split decision.. and going off half cocked. I still have the urges to jump at something without thinking.. but for the most part... I am trying to think things through before reacting. He thinks I was laughing at Him... questioning His intentions and word. I most certainly was not. I was playing along.. until it became obvious He was no longer playing. Remember... I am new to this. All this. And I feel like Im a dried twig about to break in two. Im bending as far as I can.. and soon I will stay that way or snap. I dont like fighting.. especially with Him. I need to be much more cautious.
Word came that Nette made Tribe. Good for Her. The other one I dont know... never seen.. is that Isu. Cant say anything about that. Jai also made Commander Or. Good for Him. He's been working with Wily alot. Imglad to see this all happening. Also came word that we will start the move in five days. Crap. I have nothing ready. The wagons need to be checked.. packed.. the canvas repaired.. some replaced. The kids wagons readied... food stocked. Medicines packed and other's secured for use on the way. Bosk teams readied... bosk groomed... tack fixed... Wheels need to be repaired. Grease... dung chips.. salt.. meat... bosk.. kaiila... Ugh. Im not ready. For warmer weather? yes... not for this move.. not this time. Not now.
Its all just a bad nightmare... right?
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