I kept myself to the wagon for a few days since the whole flask incident. I peeled myself apart.. piece by piece till I could see everything. Thinking on what Tarra said... what Kam said and what Seth said. I understand it all. Problem is.. one says one thing yet acts differently. Tarra said my flask was a way of holding onto Jerus. Now this could have been true awhile back but... I have given up on that ghost many months ago. Sure... I still carried a flask that He happened to give me.. and I used it.. because.. *gasp* it served a purpose. But.. to appease certain parties... I gave it up. Now.. I know also that giving it up will be wrong also. So.. I cant keep it on me.. cause having it with me is a way of holding onto Jerus.. and I cant give it up because that also would be just me trying to avoid the issue.. and I cant keep it in a box because that would be me trying to hide the real issue. Right? Hell.. I dont know. I know I am over Jerus. He is gone and life goes on and I do not and cannot live in the wake of Him. I have not in many many months now. It is no different than some that wear a mark or trinket of a lost loved one. Perhaps a ribbon or band around an arm.. a necklace.. a piece of hair tucked in a pocket... but of course.. this is me we are talking about. Target for everything. Mainly because certain people know my trigger points and buttons to push to get me to a higher level of losing my kook. I also carry a dagger given to me by Hawksclaw. Am I holding onto Him as well? And my cloak given to me by Steel... and a anklet given to me by Blood that is on my ankle... and a hair whip from Dove... a pendant from Shi... good Skies. Ok.. Ive given up on ghosts... it is other's that have not.
I thought also to the conversation Shi and I had about Seth and Him mating me. I thought about how Shi stood up days before and yelled across the plains that He loves me. He tells me how He screwed up.. and He asked me if I still loved Him. I told Him yes.. for I will always love Him.. just as I have from the day I was a young girl... butthat we as mates were just not good. We would kill each other. He asked me if Seth made me happy. I said yes. He also asked if this is what I wanted.. to be mated to Seth... I said I wasnt sure. I was nervous about it.. especially with the disaster that fell upon us. People have me questioning every move I make so... part of me was wondering if this was right. I know how I feel. I know what I want. Yet Im told that its not my decision so... if it isnt given to me.. then I must be wrong.. right? Dunno. I know I love Seth. And I have been towing the line on the right path now for a long time in reguards to Him. But that doesnt matter. The only thing that matters is... I did the wrong thing and got nailed for it. Kam did what He did for a reason. I instead of standing up and throwing a fit resigned myself to doing wrong and said nothing. Shocker.. this seemed the wrong thing to do to. Here we go again.. should I have yelled at Kam? Should I have opened my mouth and argued? Well.. I thought just listening and understanding was better. That is what I was supposed to learn.. right? So I did. I listened and I handed over the flask. I understood what was being said.. didnt agree.. but I conformed. That is what getting better is all about Silks. Mmhmm.
I sat back and let Chay rake me over the coals.. without raising my voice. I didnt let it get to me... only because I know from where it comes. She speaks Her mind as blunt as it may be... but I say She knows no better because usually personal business on such things are better left to private conversations. But Chay isnt one to do such.. perhaps saying She knows no differently would be a better term. I have been told not to air such things out in the open at the fires... so.. I no longer do that. But.. again.. now this is seen as me bottling up or being sad.
Now.. I didnt argue with Kam.. this was good.. but it was also wrong because I backed down.. right? I didnt argue with Chay.. this was good.. but it was also wrong because now it seems I am brooding.. right? I havent jumped in Seth's lap.. this is good.. I have learned to act differently.. but.. it is wrong because now Im pouting.. right? I dont display open acts of sexualitly anymore.. this is good.. but oh.. it's still there and I just wanna get furred... I have nothing else on my mind but fucking... right? Wrong... so very wrong. I'll figure it all out.
For those that need to look at me... and feel the need to rip me apart.. I wish they would not assume. I'd rather they see what Ive been trying to do. I would rather them see a Woman sorting through everything She's was asked to.. and now is trying to file those things in their proper order. I am not pouting.. not moping.. I am watching and relearning. I am not concerned with getting laid... I joke about it yes.. no more than any other Woman without a Mate has... but they dont see that. If sex was such a high priority on my list.. could I have not gone to certain people for it? Hell yes.. In a heartbeat. I was even offered.. and I refussed. But that doesnt matter. So dont tell me that is what I am thinking about. I am watching Seth myself... on how He handles my children.. on how He loves them.. on how He presents Himself. He too has been undergoing testing on my terms to see if He would fit into my life. If this bring question to other's that I trusted to speak to.. and that voiced and aired my concerns publicly... then I will no longer speak to them. Why do I think this? Because Tarra mentioned She wished to speak to me about something Shi said. I can only guess.. that is what it is about. Until then.. I will wait.
Maybe I dont fit in.. maybe I am the square peg to a round hole... but I am Silkenhawk. And I am no longer going to sit back and let other's run my life. It is mine.. you cant have it. I have only one person to answer to... Me. And Im going to fuck up.. Im not perfect. But Im me. And some people love me. Some dont... ok alot dont. But I dont give a shit. I LOVE me !!!
Do I regret having Kam as my Guardian? No. I am upset that I did not know Chay's feelings on this before hand. That would have swayed me differently. Kam has been good for me... and to me. He isnt as bad as some thought. Sure.. I dont understand things at first... but that is my problem. No one elses. If I have questions.. I'll ask.. thank you very much. But I sure as shit am not going to do anything to embarass or defy Him. Doesnt that say something? Havent I proved that somewhat?
Im crawling out from under the carpet. Im here.. where I should be. I have my cracks and flaws but they are mine. Deal with it....
..... I am.
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