Sensitive... a word I never associated with me. Silken? Sensitive? Boskshit... so I thought. For so long... I tried to be cold and calculated.. now suddenly.. Im thrown into this world where Im.. sensitive. Blah.. yuck. Its no one's doing but my own... this I know. No one is making me feel or act this way.. just... me. Im quiet and passive now. Now so hot headed and hell bent on raising a ruckus. It's wierd. I find myself enjoying just sitting and talking with Shi.. rather than fighting with Him for attention.... or fighting with Him for a reaction. I enjoy our talks and I find when I dont get to see Him... I feel.. icky. Icky? Me? Good Skies.. what's happening to me.....
I finally had the chance to speak with Kam. Asked Him what He thought about Shi and I giving Mating another go around. Somewhere in the mix.. I was reminded of the blood oath and its meaning. I never forgot.. I just set it to the darkest recess of my mind for a bit. It is.. for life... and though our Mating was cut short due to circumstances beyond both of our control... it has picked up where we started. Kam asked if things were different.. I said they were. I see they are. He said.. then go for it. It was a relief to hear Him say that. He sent me off to sleep after that... and I left.. feeling good... and feeling a weight off my shoulders. I needed that talk with Him... now... I need to find Tarra and finish putting the rest of the pieces back into the puzzle that was once... me.
When I returned to the wagons... I started to clean up when Shi came back from patrol. He was tired.. and just wanted a bath... so.. I went and prepared Him a nice hot one. I was shocked when He asked... or.. was that.. more like.. demanded... I join Him. My heart was beating so fast... I nearly passed out. We are still joined by the blood oath... no matter what anyone says... it is so. And until we drain blood.. it shall remain so. Shi claiming me again is more a formality than a new joining of lives. So in this mind set.. yes.. I joined Him for a bath. It was.. the best night of my life in so very long. The Shi that was there.. was new.. different... yet the same... and I loved every Ehn of His company. I hope it can be like that.. always. Once we were squeeky clean.. He brought me back to our wagon and settled in the furs. He slept.. holding me to Him. I wanted this again.. I wanted Him again.
In the days that followed.. I had spent my nights back in that little wagon down the rows... by myself while He was on duty. I find myself watching the setting central fire.. the creeping of the blanket of darkness to the land.. and I listen for the sounds of Shi.. returning home. Each time He returned to His wagons... I hoped this.. was the night.. He would make it offical again. Every breath.. I waited.. hoped... yes.. I even prayed. But something still holds Him back... or is it me? Ive tried to make sense of it... Ive tried to reason with it... but in my paranoid little mind.. something is wrong with me. Its not Him.. its me. Ive got to stop thinking. All I do know is....
I was dead for so long... Now Im alive...
and I am very ready to live.
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