I looked at Nahir and just shook my head... I didnt know where to begin. My lips moved.. my jaw opened and closed... eyes searching the ground for some speck of light that would jar my attention and I would know where and what to say to get it all rolling. But... I was.. clogged. I was... impacted and the build up of words swelled in my throat and chest until I felt I would suffocate. Aunt slapped a palm into my back.. against my spine between the shoulder blades and I lunged forward.. taking a breath as my palms braced against my knees. Tears sprang from my eyes.. not out of pain.. but relief and with the fall of salty droplets down my cheeks.. came the words that started it all off...... " I dont know who I am " Still.. Nahir said nothing but gave me a reassuring stroke of fingers over my shoulder.. and sitting back up.. I just started to ramble..... " I mean.. I know Im Tuchuk. I know Im a Mother.. a healer... a friend and a Sister... but really.. who am I. It all started that night when I left Papa. I should have stayed... I know they most likely would have captured and killed me... but did I do the right thing? Or did I tarnish myself forever with the confusion of what and who I am. Should I have stayed and faced it like a Woman? Accepted fate on their terms? Or was I right to take my life into my own hands and at my own time and pace become what I was..... Would things have been different Aunt? Did I do the right thing? " On and on I spouted off.. naming people and places.. specific events in my life.. trials and hardships.. good and bad. Everything came with consequences... most were liveable... some still tore me apart.. but I would survive. I always did. Several Ehn into the monolog.. I started thinking. And this bottled me back up.. another log jam of thoughts and words and I didnt know where to start again... all I could say was... " I was just a young girl, Aunt... I was too young to make those decisions... " Swiping the back of my hand over my eyes.. Nahir pulled my head to Her thigh and brushed Her palm over my hair."Shhhh Silken... All will be well." She said.. and I nodded.. nuzzling my cheek against Her. "Silken... tonight.. I want you to think of your Mother and Father. Not the sad things.. but the good things you remember. In the morning.. we will take a walk. Things will be clearer." Nahir nodded and gave my shoulder a pat. I sat upright and looked to Her as She stood and stretched slightly. "Sleep well my little Silken" Aunt said.. and I offered a small smile... " Bosk dreams Aunt " I said and watched Her shuffle off to Her wagon. I sat by the fire for quite some time. Jax came over and asked if I was alright and I nodded.. giving Him some blackwine. He sat beside me and slid an arm around my shoulders and drew me against Him. It was needed... I had only wished Seth was here. He could make sense of it... or at least help me. Usually about this time when I was at my lowest.. Shi always showed up.. but... not this time. I was... in the true sense of the word.. left alone with my thoughts. Not even the few people that knew me perhaps better than I... were not here. I closed my eyes and leaned into Jax and I did as Aunt said... I thought about Momma and Papa. I remembered..... everything.
Tomorrow was another day.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment