It all came rushing back to me. Tarra returned and the overwhelming emotions just hit me like a runaway wagon. I had to hug Her... I did. I wanted to just open my mouth and let the words flow.. everything I needed to say.. all the hurt and pain... I wanted it gone....but I could not. There were too many ears around.. ears that would listen and then silently laugh at me.. for being another fuck up.. once again. It took all I could to ask Kam for some meat... for my children. Shi had been good enough to bring a verr by days earlier.. but that had run out. I would have gone out hunting myself.. I just do not have the strenght... actually.. I dont have the will. I know.. they keep saying.. you selfish bitch.. Seth is a Man.. He is busy.. He cannot babysit you... but I say.. I am a Woman.. and no matter what.. I need my Mate. He is young.. younger than me... as the saying goes too... Wanting is greater than having. The quest to conquour.. to take what is perhaps a difficult challange.. but then once you have the prize... the adreneline rush is gone. If He showed up today.. I'd prolly be happy.. but I do not think I could let myself fully open up again.. because I know.. He will only show up just to appease me then figure He's got more time now to run off again. Complaining.. whining.. crying.. it grows old. And I am at the point I dont want to bother with it anymore. I dont want to try anymore.. and I dont want to care anymore. Dangerous.. isnt it.
With Fonce's absence and no one seeming to know what is going on... it is lonely around the fires. Those that use to show up.. no longer do. We dont see T'Zuri... Jaella... Sahli... Arigh... Meta to name a few and the slobbering gaggle of slaves that use to hang all over His every word. This only confirms that some.. were only here because He was and wanted nothing to do with the rest of us. Ive asked myself over and over if I want to be part of this shit anymore. And the answer is more and more.. no. I will not runaway to another land or city and hide. I cannot.. I am Tuchuk and a true hearted blood Tuchuk would not leave the plains.. they would die first. Yes.. that... is my answer.
I may not own or control my own life... it is not mine to end... but there is one thing I am in control of....
And that... is my trump card.
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