Days are passing fast but slow. The move is coming but not soon enough. I am actually anxious for it... at least I will have something to keep my mind busy. Something to focus on.. besides myself. Ive been having these vivid dreams.. passionate and sexual. Very Sexual.. they wake me breathless and sweating. Several times.. I had to crawl from Shi's grip while He slept to walk outside and cool off. I try to be quiet so as not to wake Him.. so far.. I think.. Ive suceeded. But during the day.. Im left with those visions that just keep my blood boiling. MMMmmm yeah. nice dreams. Shhhhhhhh.... dont tell.
Coming into the 7th moon of pregnancy.. Im finding it harder than last hand to get around. I still try to do everything I used to.. but even just making dinner for the redhead troop of kids turns tiring. Shi was so sweet the other night.. He made dinner. Roasted verr. I didnt have much of an appetite but enjoyed the children eating and laughing and watching Shi with them. He has grown even closer with Wily who now tags along with Him on duties. Starr can pretty much always be found on Shi's lap... that little mop of red curls and braids tucked under His chin.. either telling a story or listening to one. Dakota... I havent seen for several months.. He has been out looking for Fonce with a group of Men. I hear in passing now and then that He is doing fine.. proving His worth and much more. Shanay has decided against mating the Warrior She originally wanted... this came as a surprise.. but not really. She wishes to pursue studies of healing and has found She has little time to concern Herself with a family right now. I respect Her wishes as does the Warrior. Tine will tell on those two. Talia came to me and asked if She could go see Aunt Cana and perhaps speak to Her Mate about the Singer's clan. I of course agreed of Her to go.. but told Her that with the new baby they had.. to expect to perhaps go more than once.. but Im sure Cana would love the company and the help while they waited for Ba'Tar to get a few moments time to speak with Her. Talia packed some treats and went off.. singing as always. And then there is Mia and Sonny.. who.. are not so happy about a new baby on the way. They are so used to being the youngest.. in a way they are put out and have been avoiding me. Wily told me they are upset because.. the new baby with have their Father with them... and they are mad they do not. I told Wily to tell them that all they need to do is open their eyes and look at Shi. He is here.. and He is taking care of them.. and loves them as they were His own blood. It is little comfort.. I know.. but Im sure they will see in time that Shi loves them dearly and would do anything for them. All the kids now have other things to do.. I rarely see them except at night for dinner and perhaps get a good night kiss or hug. It is the way of life though.. still... it makes me sad.
I sit and rub my stomach with oils to keep the skin from stretching.. and the babe rolls and kicks from within. What a glorious feeling.. I wish Shi was as interested as I am.. but.. given the fact that men cannot feel what we women do.. I guess its just.. ok to them. Secretly.. Ive been worrying about the birth... Im due about the time we start the move... or soon after when we leave. The trail is hard enough without the worry of caring for a newborn.. not to mention the labor. Jax said not to worry.. He would make sure the wagons kept moving and the kids were handling their wagons well... and all I needed to do was concentrate on the baby. I know Shanay will stay close... this is good because Shi usually scouts the trail ahead of the caravan of wagons.. and I just know He wont be around when the time comes. Its my biggest fear. If only I could ride with Him... perhaps.. I will ask if I can take saddle and stay close by.... if I can manage to ride that long with being so heavy with child at that time.
So many questions and no answers. I wish I could read Shi.. enough to tell me if He is happy. If He is happy with me... if Im getting better and so on and so forth. Ive known Him all my life and sometimes.. its like we are strangers. I think its just me.. being paranoid... but some habits are just so hard to break. I still need alotof reassurance and confidence in these matters... something He is not use to doing. So... I just pretend that everything is fine and hope secretly to myself they are or will be.
I sit here now... going through a crate of jewerly. Mostly necklaces that were given to me by my prior Mates. I have no use for them any longer.. but Ive decided to give one to each of the kids.. from their respected Father's. There is one... I will save though... for Hawk's daughter.. if I ever see her again. Emptying out the small crate... this leaves me with only one piece of jewerly... the ring Shi made for me so long ago. A tri colored band of metal.. which I tucked away and now just found in this box. I set it on His table in the main wagon... not sure if He wants me to wear it??? Or If He wants something new... or nothing at all.
The blanket of darkness is painting it's way over the lands... and it's time to get up and move around before I get too stiff.
Ehhh maybe just a nap... a tiny nap first.
.. and a few more dreams.
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