Its noticable... the absence of Men around the fires. I have not seen nor heard from Fonce in since.... like.. forever. No one has any word.. or info. And though I keep it to myself for the most part.. I am worried. In turn.. I have not seen Kam.. Saresh... Polunu .. Ba'atar.. or even Garyx. Kam I know is busy with double duty both as a Mate and Father to His family and as well as UbarStandIn. Saresh... I havent seen since everything went to dust in a sack for Him with His mating. Polunu... seems to have dropped off the plains.. and Garyx.. well I heard has been hunting and leading a search for Fonce. With no male entities at the fire anymore.. it does leave just the Women to jaw about things... but on the bright side.. there have been no slaves. That is about the only good thing.. and proves.. they were only here for one thing. Im sure a few of them have been around.. being most of my time lately has been among my own wagons.. I could have missed them. But the occasional visit is nothing compared to what it use to be. Everyone has gone off in their own direction. The season of isolation is what I call it... and it should go into the records as such. I am guilty of it myself... so what ever followed us from the North.. is still with us. Me personally.. I am trying to get to know Shi again. This isnt easy to do among the main fire.. but I am taking the time to do it anyway. I dont care what anyone says or implies... I am doing this for me. Its about time I sat down and had a hard look at things and made a decision for myself. I dont need anyone telling me do this or not. I have also learned who I can and cannot trust. Shi and Tarra are the only one's. Ohhh... there are other's I speak to... ask advice and such.. but the only one's that ever really truely had my back were them. Tarra always told me my happiness would come from within.. not from someone else giving me what I wanted.... or I thought I wanted. Taking the journey I did... made me see this. Yes... I was happy when I had what I thought I wanted... but it did not make me happy. I was blind and it was a hard slap in the face to come to terms with that. I was not happy with myself. I knew.. deep down.. I was being used and played... but I chose to avoid it and look around it. When I finally stood up for myself and said ....Enough of this shit... I was free. I was lucky to have Shi there waiting. He opened His arms to me... He kept me strong and cared for me... but He didnt rush in to scoop me up and place me back on my feet. He gave me the time and an ear to talk about things. He allowed me to see just what was what.. who was who and where I was. Tarra spoke to me in great lenghts and in detail of things... though at the time.. I could not hear Her. It all came back to me.. and it all made sense now. How do you thank someone for that? How can I ever repay them? The embarassment I feel in being so stupid... so blind.. so... gullible... is emense. I do not share this with anyone... it is my secret. I look back on how a few Men I chose to allow in my circle have hurt me. They saw it.. they tried to warn me.. and I just... let it happen. Why would they ever forgive me for this?? Why... do they still love me and care for me...... The questions are endless. I suppose this is what leaves me jaded towards people now... even those I once knew.. I see through new eyes. I will not run to other's for help... I will not seek anyone out for company. I am not hard to find if they want me.
On my last trip for trading.. I came across a stone. Immediately.. I thought of Tarra. It's color reminded me of Her eyes. I was captivated by the beauty and sparkle this stone had. I gave the Man everything He wanted for it... a diamond.. a barrel of paga and a dagger. For the past few weeks.. Wily has been at work in the Forge.. making a holder for this stone. A clawed holder.. with talons wrapping the stone in safety. He even made a hinge on one of the talons so the stone could be removed to look at and hold. I have wrapped it up in the best piece of fabric I could find... tied it with a red ribbon.. and added a note... "Chance made us friends.. hearts made us Sister's... ~S~" I knew Tarra would know who it came from. I had Wily drop it off at Her wagon this morning.
As for Shi... He told me not to thank Him for things... so... my gift's to Him are less obvious. I cook His dinner.. make sure the wagons are cleaned... and I have been behaving. His company has been well received and enjoyed. I hope He feels the same. I know I miss Him when He goes on duty... and I smile when He's around. But.. deep down.. I do worry about my curse with Men. How long till I chase Shi off again? How long till He grows.. tired of me... How long till He no longer enjoys me... how long... hmmmmm???
One thing about this whole.... living... thing....
It is interesting.
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