So.... I avoided the fires for a few days after the Kam collar incident. Heeding Tarra's words to lay low and let sleeping sleen alone for a bit. Still... I cannot shake the feeling that something is upon us. Dark and heavy.. menacing.. sheer evil.. violent... death?? perhaps?? I would have worried myself into throwing up or a migraine had I sat on the steps any longer. I headed to the main fire and found Kam and that nakia girl. She was doing some sort of vulo dance.. so I watched. Cana showed up.. with the new baby. She asked Kam if He wanted to hold His Great Grandson... and I was not surprised by His answer. He said .. not at this moment. I could tell Kam was still pissed.. if that is the proper word. But it wasnt my business to butt in.. so I stayed silent. I still got the pay no mind from Him.. but.. I expect that. It will prolly be so for awhile... at least till He see's I was not out to defy Him. I still did not want to be there... so I left. I took out one of Seth's kaiila... having not yet been able to work with Thumper or Beta. I hoped a ride would do me good. Open plains.. fresh warm air. Boy... was I wrong.
The thinking just got me deeper into a depression I havent felt in a long time. Turmoil.. dismay... utter saddness... I felt the tears welling up again... but I would not let them fall. Not this time. What was the use? They had none. They were best hidden and held fast within me. My emotional state has become so volitale that I dont trust myself even around the children. I fear snapping at them.. or someone else. Maybe that's why Seth has been avoiding me. He is smarter than most give Him credit for I presume.
Fustration. I have so much to offer.. but no one to give it to. No one to share the good things. This leaves me to dwell on the bad. I was about to scream.. about to pop open and spew forth all the nasty stuff inside when I saw Him. Seth. Riding with His Men not far from me. My heels picked up the stirrups and I was about to kick the beast into a run.. but.. I stopped. I didnt go to Him. It wasnt my place there.. among Him and His Men. But.. I wanted to. I deperately wanted too. What would I have said? Hmmm well... See me? Look at me... No.. really look at me and see me Seth. I have so much to give you... please let me? I miss you. Skies.. I miss you. Bah.... that would have brought forth a hearty laugh from His Men and probably Him. Some sappy Free Woman... spilling Her heart.. and heartache. Pathetic. Instead.. I whirled the beast around and headed in the opposite direction. Hoping He didnt see me. That... was two days ago. And I still havent left the wagon Im in. One of the spares I use for guests.
I know Tarra said whatever it was that was stalking us all.. would play on emotions and attempt to drive us apart. I just want to be left alone. I cant do battle again with an unseen entity. Not this time.
Not... again.
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