Trading went well today. Successfull. I had the time to sit and talk with a slaver from the North. Interesting. Ive always felt like He was sizing me up. I never showed the Man fear.. but I also kept myself respectful. Still.. His comments unnerved me... I think they were meant too. He asked me.. why the pissed off look. I told Him none of His business. He laughed and walked back to His group. But.. out of the whole thing.. I got some chains and bindings that I needed... traded for a fur and some salve.
Tomorrow is a busy day.. many meetings and people to catch up with. I have more honey to send back to Saresh... so I wait for Raz to return. I was going over my list of supplies and items when low and behold.. Seth shows up. I didnt care. Skies forgive me.. but I didnt. For a spilt Ihn.. I just said.. fuck it. But that part of me that faulters everytime kicked in and I just wanted to run to Him and be held. Damn me.. damn me to the dusts for being so weak when it comes to love and compassion. How the bloody fucking hell do you get away from that. I know Im strong.. but I just get weak when it comes to Him. I wanted to tear His eyeballs out.. chew on them.. hear them pop as my teeth mashed them to pulp. I wanted to thrust my fist into His chest and rip out His beating heart.. just to see if He had one.. cause if He did.. it certainly doesnt lie with me. I was livid.. I was irate.. I was angry. I dont expect the Man to spend every waking Ehn with me.. but I do expect Him to come around and make Himself known. I expect to have a Mate to share things with.. talk to.. Dont I deserve that? It reminds me of Shi.. and how I was a trophy to be paraded around.. just for His good name. I growled when Seth kissed me... I lashed out at Him. And I was told that leaving without telling Him was not taken lightly.. how He had to track me. Awwww poor Tuchuk. Well.. I woulda told Him.. had I seen Him. I did tell Kam. Even that didnt go over well. So.. the battle between us went back and forth for a time.. until.. Seth asked me.. if I surrendered. Me?? Surrender? Hell no ! and I told Him so... Not without a fight! Nope ! *Clink* chained. Wrist to wrist... and thrown over His shoulder. Bastard. Taken to my sleeping wagon and thrown to the floor. Reminded verbally I was His.. and He had me where He wanted me... choice?? No. What does one do in such a situation? Scream? Fight? Whine? Perhaps.. I could have... instead.. I resigned. I gave up. And I told Him.. Do what you want... I cant compete anymore. All the while inside I was screaming at Him to notice me and stop fucking up. How do you tell a Man what you want and need when He is only thinking of His own self. Excuses. Boskshit. Im tired of them. Im tired of the self rationalization that only soothes the wounds for the moment and leaves you empty Ahn's later... wondering and questioning. This isnt how its supposed to be.. and I dont want it again. I dont know what this means right now. Perhaps its just because of these lands we are on.. the memories they hold. I know I cant avoid them much longer... I know I will have to return and be among the wagons again. I cant hide. No. But if it doesnt happen.. if it doesnt change.. Im so done. When I cant eat.. sleep.. think.. something needs to change. The chance has been given. Now... its out of my hands. I am not going to be made a fool of.. by anyone.
Talons drawn...
Feathers ruffled...
Fight? or flight....
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