Everything comes full circle. If Ive lived by any mantra.. this is one. Tribe above all weighs in a close second. Why second? Because tribe above all is something controlled by us Gorean's. You can live by it or you cannot. I cannot control other's.. I cannot control myself at times. I am a Woman subject to the curse of emotions and yes sometimes.. I want to come first. My people would come before my life.. givin the chance.. givin the choice. I would put my people.. my Tribe before myself. Yes. Without a thought.. and in a heartbeat. But life coming full circle is not within my control... it is to the Sky and Spirits that it happens. It's so wrong.. how I feel. I know I must be damaged... tainted.. cursed even. Ive made promises... I cant keep.. havent kept... and I swear Im paying for that now. Eventually.. life.. catches up to you.. your promises come back with a vengence and stronger than anything you could ever face. So how do I handle this. Do I let the guilt and misery consume me? I do not know. But I know that I cannot die now.. I cannot let those broken promises of my death hang to close. Not now.. not yet. "This one" and "That one" still need me. The rest of my youngin's still need me. Until a time when they dont.. I will live with the pain of what is swirling inside me. I have doubts as to things right in front of me. The closeness of people.. relationships and love. Maybe its me that cant love anymore. I was so afraid of never feeling it again... I dont think now I ever will.. and I dont think I want to. It hurts when your stepped on and abandoned.. when your left alone with your thoughts and left to watch other's embraced in love and caring. This isnt the life I wanted.. surely I would have chosen to have it turn out differently. Watching those that claim to love and care.. simply turn their backs and walk in the other direction.... or not show up at all. No shoulder to cry on... no ear to lend... no hand to hold or pull me from the darkness. Just me.. my thoughts and a fire that dances nightly to the sound of silence.
Fonce was right. There is no hand upon the lands that could handle me.
But there is also no heart.
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