I was tired. Beyond tired. The nights have been cold.. hard.. lonely. I keep the babies close to me at all times now. Secured against my chest.. one on each side with fur craddle of sorts. It puts a strain on my shoulders and back but I cannot let that bother me.. I cannot leave the children alone.. not in this weather... not for awhile. Shanay has Mia and Sonny.. She keeps them moving and keeps them warm. At night She does much as I do with the babies and sleeps with them tucked close to Her and the small firepit in the wagon. The girl's.. Talia and Starr huddle close together for warmth and Ive now insisted that we all sleep in one wagon to help with the warmth of our cold and exhausted bodies. When I need to leave either of the babies to tend other's.. I take one to Aunt and one to Jax. Ive noticed both of them struggling with the air... fussy.. uncomfortable. Frankly.. I cant sleep.. I keep rubbing little limbs and breathing under blankets of furs till I almost pass out myself. But if it keeps them warm.. again.. I do not care. Aunt.. Shanay... Jax and I make a human ring around all the kids when sleep settles. The wind blowing the covering isnt an annoyance as one would think.. but more of a rhymic tapping that thankfully lulls the kids to sleep. Aunt sleeps.. this pleases me. She is a strong old vulo... clutching my girl's close to Her. They are all the warmth She needs.. She reminds me of this every morning. Mia and Sonny are a mass of twisted limbs with each other and that ball of lil Tuchuk's is held tightly by Nay. Jax holds the Wily Man and me with the babies... all around the glow of this small fire. Somehow.. I find peace in this wagon. Watching each child.. each person.. surviving by the will of another. We all feed off each other.. take the heat of our bodies and preserve ourselves to face another day. I am however afraid to close my eyes... in fear one of the children might roll away from their keeper and become uncovered. Though the idea of this is severe and the images so vivid in my mind.. I try to not think them... they still seep into my thoughts and make me shiver. The babies cry alot now. I fear I dont have enough milk to satisfy their hunger. Ive taken to suplimenting this with some watered down bosk milk and a small amount of mushed grains. Something to help fill their bellies. I promised Jai that I would make sure the children ate.. and Ive kept my promise. But this does not apply to me. When I look at a piece of jerky or tabuk meat.. I feel that I am taking away from the kids. Ive been cursing under my breath.. cursing Jerus and damning Shi.. for leaving me this way. It's just the cold... playing with my mind and further exhausting me.
I dont know how much more we can all take. Soon we will begin to lose bosk and people. This move is one of the worst ever in my memory. The rain.. windstorms... compare little to the freezing cold and abundant snow and ice. It is deadly as it is beautiful.
Somewhere in all this.. I must find time to rest.. I must sleep. What good will I be in such a state even one more day in all this. I cannot answer. But I also know I cannot allow anything to happen to anyone. The guilt alone would destroy me.
No.. I have to stay awake.. I have to protect my children.. the future.
Somehow...
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