Page 440 ~ Sometimes Goodbye is a second chance

I know there have been many saying.. Not again? But Hey.. We gave it a chance.. tried to see if it would work.. it didnt. For whatever reason or reasons.. it just didnt. But they are our reasons. I havent seen Shi since that night when He was enraged enough to stripped me of my clothing. That also was the last night I had with my boys. I can still feel them in my arms.. their little fingers twirling in loose curls of my hair... the soft press of a cheek against my breast. It is the absolute worst thing Ive been through. Hollow.. empty. Sad. I have to physically restrain myself from going to the wagons and seeing them. The conversation with Ba'atar only fueled my defiance and I wanted to kill something.. or.. someone. In the end .... I stayed away. I watch them from the shadows.. just passing by on a walk from the stream or the pens. I fear if they saw me they might run to me and I dont know if that is allowed. According to Ba'atar they are Shi's now.. and I have no rights to them. I understand the legistics of it.. but that will never take the pain away. And no one.. not one person can ever tell me that they are not mine. Ever. Beat me.. whip me.. tear the flesh from my body.. nothing could ever make me say it. If Shi deems Himself a Bastard and keeps me from them.... then.. I will take a deeper step into darkness and I am afraid of what I might do. But for now.. I rely on small notes and messages passed along through my secret routes.

After the talk with Ba'atar.. I went in search of someone to talk too. Everyone was busy with their own lives and family... and the more I searched.. passing by fire after fire... I realized just how alone I was. Wouldnt be so bad if all my other children were here... if Aunt was here. But Ive made sure they stay with Jerus' family for awhile longer. I cant chance the fact that something might arrise and I would be told that the rest of my children were not mine.

I hold no bad feelings towards Shi. We were always better friends than Mate's. I do miss talking to Him and hanging out when He could find a few Ehn here and there. I just dont think He understands that.. I love Him.. Im just not.. IN love with Him. Time will tell what is in store for me.

I hope.. I get another chance at it.....

Love.