There I was... sitting in the wagon.. my ears have become super sensitive to sound. I heard the footsteps... swore it was Fonce who had been so reassuring that He would return. But these steps were light. They were not the heavy footfalls of a Man. Next the sound of a voice. Recognized as Cana. She called me to come out and I abliged.. eagerly. In dire need of company and someone to talk to other than the boskheaded guards that were little to no use on the end of conversation. We sat by the fire.. I answered questions.. gaining the knowledge that not only Fonce was picking my brain to see if it still functioned.. but Cana was evaluting me as well. I really wanted to cut my skull open.. crack open the bone and hinge it all back and say.. "See? It's still there.. what little is left, thank you" But no. I just kept answering. When Shi was brought up.. I felt that sudden pang again to see my boys. I wanted to hold them and kiss them and snuggle with them. I wondered... if I ever would again. In anycase.. Cana diverted the train of thought and line of questioning away from that sore and tender subject. She handed me a basket of herbs that She said She had little idea of how to bundle them into their respective groups. Now.. I wanted to say your shittin me right? Ive been working with them for so long... I know them just by look.. touch.. smell... etc. Perhaps She didnt know.. and this was just something to.. occupy my time. Either way... It was something to do. I took the basket and finished off the conversation with a promise to have them delivered back to Her in the morning. She left with a smile. I got up and did the same..without the smile and returned to that wagon. It was growing dark and cold.. and the lamps in the wagon provided the light and the fire bowl the warmth I needed. I used some pieces of my old clothing that had been so abruptly torn from my body to wrap and tie the different "flavors" of herbs. There was Agrimony, Teslik, Peppermint, Lavenia, White Willow, Matchweed and Bergamot. I was well into the night when I finished. Stupid me. I should have saved some for the morning.. perhaps I would not have been so bored. But.. there was a task at hand.. one that I enjoyed and I lost myself in working again. It felt good to do it. It felt good to be.... needed. Once the basket was filled.. arranged of course to look pleasing to the eyes... I headed back outside and handed the carrier to the Guard. I told Him this was to be delivered to Cana first thing in the morning. He nodded and shoo'ed me back into the wagon. 1.. because it was extreamly late.. I should have been sleeping and 2.. He was rather happily oogling a slave girl that was keeping Him company. I returned to the furs and curled up quietly. I began to worry about Fonce... He usually kept His promises and I hoped nothing had happened to Him. He had been so strong in His assurance that He would return. But that thought was quickly dismissed. I wasnt His blood family. I wasnt anyone to Him but that redheaded thorn in His side. I was more or less a burden still. I had to rely on people.. and I didnt like it. It was hard to be strong when you had no one to praise you for it. No one to share your day with. I didnt want to be an obligation that anyone thought they had to tend to. To keep company.. to keep sane.... Feed and water.. just to keep it alive. But that's how I feel. I rolled over on my side and checked the small amount of sprigs that I had chosen carefully from the herbs that Cana had me bundle. Folded gently into a piece of my old tunic.. the herbs.. mixed just the right way and in the right proportion.. the result could kill a large kaiila. They were my safety blanket.. they were my key to outlet.. should I need it.
The question now stood...
Would I?
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