The more I thought back on my conversation with Fonce... the more aggravated and fustrated I became. There was so much I could of said.. should.. have said... but I bottled up like a fine Karian wine. I was in search of making my true intentions known. This however.. is hard. I am under Ba'atar's watch.. and that alone has clipped my wings. I know that Man will not hesitate to throw a collar on my neck and dump me off somewhere.. just as easily as He would breathe. My hesitation got the best of me. I regret it... now.
A question Fonce posed to me.... What do you want from me Silken? The phrase kept rearing it's ugly head in the back of my throat... and made me feel ill. I know what I want. Damn... it's all I think about lately... but.. I had to be... careful. Wandering the plains and the stream bank.. I all but pulled my hair out and screamed several times. I was in search of clarification. Why? Why do I have to want something from Him? I suppose I dug my heels in and answered in a round about way. But.. this isnt easy for me... and at that time... I didnt know how to tell Him that. So... I did what any rational thinking Woman would.... I wrote Him a letter. Now.. the last time I wrote Him... He burned it after reading it. Still.. He has never said anything about it. I assume.. He gives no thought or care to words on parchment... or perhaps.. they were just to silly and childish. Either way... I wrote my letter and had it delivered. If for nothing more than to back up what I was about to say to Him... once I found Him.
Everything I did manage to get out.. came out all twisted. Again. I could tell by His reactions.. what I was trying to convey was getting lost. I was in search of a book that would tell me how to express it so it would be understood how I meant it. But... I was not only tripping over my tongue.. I was falling and getting wrapped in the tube like jelly structure of brain matter. He says He cant talk easily of things on His mind.. yet when I was confined to the wagon not long ago... He spoke to me so casually and calm. True.. most of it was asking what I was thinking... and I just spoke of things that popped into my mind... but something sparked me that day. A fire lit that I hadnt felt in a long long time. I knew it was always there.. smoldering.. waiting for the right igniter.. I didnt expect it to be Him. But it was.. and it is... and now... I dont know what to do with it. I was in search of relief. Do I want to jump in and possibly get burned?... ... yes. Do I want to complicate things and perhaps lose a good friend?... ... if it means going after what I want... yes. Do I risk rejection and humilation?... ... yes. If there is any chance.. any hope that this might just be my end to the search... I will take it.
Papa once told me that... in the search to find the one who will complete you... you have many stepping stones to cross. Sometimes the journey is long and hard. But along the way.. each stone brings you closer to your final destiny. Each stone you choose helps to mold your path. Some stones are slippery and you faulter. Some are strong and support you well. Trust where you've been.. dont look back. Keep moving until you get to that stone.. the one you can stand with and be proud. The one that completes you and makes you feel you are someone. And for Skies sake Silken... dont get your boots wet !! He always made a joke at the end of a life lesson story. Perhaps to clear the seriousness of air... or more so.. that I would remember. I have.
I brushed out my hair... braiding it again and donned my good leathers. Good as in they were worn.. comfortable and my favorite. With a determined smirk and a get out of my way stride... I headed out and wove the maze of wagon's.. the plains.. the stream. I am a Woman on a mission....
I am... in search of.
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