Ive been waiting many hands now to see Shi... or at least get an answer from Him via messages as to whether or not I can see or be with the twins. Still.. Im left waiting.. pacing and growing more fustrated by the day. I also havent been able to meet up with Ba'atar to discuss resuming my duties. So.. I sent messages to them. I was shocked and disgusted when the scroll I sent Ba'atar was returned unopened and with a message from tanya that said... "Come and find Him directly. Dont send scrolls" The girl was dismissed and she was thankfull... not wanting to be close to my boiling point or the vent that was about to erupt. I wanted to find Kam... He was the one that always told me to send a scroll first.. this way both parties knew something was up. I needed to ask if this was something new.. something I needed to add to my list of learned quirks. As it would be.. He was also out on extended patrol.
Left with hardly anything to do... I just kept busy with mundane.. everyday jobs to tend to. Making oils and elixiers... collecting dung.. cleaning.. cooking.. sewing. All the everyday things that have now come to be my routine. With all the time I do have.. I have little to visit the main fires... and after hearing what has been going on there.. Im not so sure I want to. Cant say Im surprised. One thing is for sure.. I wont be there to be a target. Not this time.
My game has been off lately. Im torn between what to do and if to do it. I really havent been put into a position like this before. Me.. having to take control of something that doesnt make sense. It baffles me and yet.. I find it very intriquing. That delicate balance of a scale. If on one side I do something... then the scale tips... but if I do the opposite.. it still tips though.. in the other direction. So here I am stuck in the middle and I cant go one way or the other to either remedy or deepen the situation. Well.. that's not true.. I have the choice to drop either side... but another ribbon of question is... do I want to risk everything and do it.
I spoke to Nette abit on this... and She could not give me any advice. Seems we are both stuck in a spot... and all I can do.. all She can do for me.. is be comfort for each other. I find solace and calm in being with Her... talking to Her about things I couldnt share with anyone else save one. I havent seen my other confidante. I'd like to. I want to. But I dont see that happening any time soon. Every time I do.. I trip over my tongue... or say something stupid. I cant think on that now. I made some dinner... finished making a batch of cinni-sticks... and then wrapped everything up in a basket. Im heading off to Nette's fires... hopefully spending a night there... laughing and joking with my friend. Somewhere in this muttled mess.. perhaps we can make sense of it all...
together.
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