Page 478 ~ So much more

The sun is gone and the flowers rot. Words are spaces between us. And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost. And I should've been down when you made me insecure. So break me down if it makes you feel right. And hate me now if it keeps you alright. You can break me down if it takes all your might. Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye. And I'm the one you can never trust. Cause wounds are ways to reveal us. And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us. But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours. So break me down if it makes you feel right. And hate me now if it keeps you alright. You can break me down if it takes all your might. Cause I'm so much more than all your lies. Hate me, break me down. So break me down. So break me down. So break me down if it makes you feel right. And hate me now if it keeps you alright. You can break me down if it takes all your might. Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye.

I was at a pretty low point by this time. Made to feel broken.. used and dried up in the warmth of the Central Fire. I found my solace in working.. still. Cleaning up the itching powder that had now coated the entire Pink Nightmare. Wily helped... and we both spent the day running between the wagon and bathing. As much as we tried to keep the stuff off us.. it still lingered somewhere and the two of us were an itching couple well into the night. Vee and Ess had remained in their respectful wagon's... I think they were somewhat afraid of my temper over the whole situation. It was late into the night when Wily and I finished and we both had the last of our bath's.. when I called the twins to the fire. I didnt really yell... I more or less told them I was disappointed that all the work I had put into gathering.. crushing and mixing the herbs for what they destroyed.. had been lost. I reminded them of wasting... and how every plant that gave it's leaves.. stems or roots... well.. now there was nothing to show for it. I embellished... saying how those poor plants gave their lives for us... and now... it was gone.. wasted... never to be seen again... they died for nothing. I did have to hide a small smile as I watched the twins really soul search over this. Ess even looked to the grass.. and picked up His feet.. I could tell.. He thought more now on the life of all things.. not just animals or people. The twins were sent to bed... with a chore list for the next day that included replacing the lost herbs... and then some.

When I woke the next day after a few Ahn's of sleep... the boys were already gone. Wily went with them to keep an eye on the two and help them find the correct plants. Starr and Talia were busy cooking.. and Mia and Sonny were off learning of Trades and Clan's. I had sewing and repairs to keep me busy well into the afternoon. When I finally finished... I needed blackwine. It was off to the main fires. It took me by surprise to see Kam there... made me happy inside too. But still... inside.. something was eating away at me. Things and events of the past few hands that had unfolded into what is my world of Nightmares. I am still bitter over the whole Ramza thing. Im still pissed off at a few other's... and I am still searching for me. Ayg and Kam were yaking away... calling out duties and other Manly things when I got the urge to clean. Dirty dishes... picking up bota's.. replacing bowls to the supply... all the like. Ayg then asked Kam if I always took care of dishes as I was doing. Kam replied that I usually only did such when there was too much bouncing around in my head. Damn if that Man did not know me. I heard Ayg tell Kam that another one of His duties was to find out what was bugging me. He said He would.. when the time was right. That time turned out to be now. My.... "voice of reason" called me over to Him and began to ask me questions. I felt all eyes on me.. I thought everyone listened to hear what was being said... and I shut down. It was then that Kam wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me out towards the thicker grasses where we could talk away from the other's. Everything around me was imploding.. the pressure in my chest.. my head... I thought I would just blow up into a gazillion, billion, million pieces of sticky chunks of flesh and bone. Kam.. Skies.. bless Him... broke through everything and made it all better with just a few words of reassurance and caring. I felt alittle better. I felt able to get through another night.. another day. He said He would help.. at least to talk some more and help me... find... me.

We returned to the fires... the slaves won in the Wars arrived along with Cana and a wagon full of wood. I cracked a few jokes... all that went unnoticed or ignored. But... what did I expect? Did I expect that everything would be alright now? That the words spoken by one of my most trusted friend and confidante would suddenly make things look better? Perhaps I wanted to be noticed and seen that I was here.. I was trying... and I needed their help to return. I needed them to see... me. I needed to know there was still a me.. still a Silken....

because there is so much more... than meets the eye.