Nerves. They are unkind and senseless. Sitting on my ass.. wondering of the ifs and what nots... did nothing but tear me apart. It was Jax that snapped me back... approaching quietly and without a word. He stood there for a long time before I looked to Him. He said.. He was wrong. That His advice to me was out of protection... not truth. He said.. "Go and find what you desire.. dont hide. Tell Him everything... be yourself... dont be what other's think you should be. Ultimately.. it is you, Silken... that needs to be seen." I didnt smile.. I nodded.. because His words only confirmed what I felt inside. It didnt matter what Tarra and Nette had said... perhaps they too wanted to protect me. In speaking to them long ago.. I had taken the words to deeply and formed my own idea of what they meant. Did I want to be treated that way? Maybe so. Did I want to get His attention? Yes. But how.. how do I do this? I tried my best... I failed. I was wrong. So... I left Jax and went in search of Fonce. Determined to tell Him that I was sorry. Sorry for acting not me. Sorry for avoiding Him. Sorry for being a dumb ass. I found Him. And yes.. I told Him these things. That the advice I had asked for was not right for me. I had followed it... in hopes it might help me. I was wrong. Skies.. I was wrong. He told me I should have asked Him. Who better to ask than Him? He was right. He told me that He doubted everything I had told Him, that I didnt care. He has every right to feel that way. But.. He would be wrong. He said He didnt know me... behind all the secrets and hiding. He is right. He doesnt know me. No one knows... me... but He will. I know how I feel.. I know everything I said to Him was and is from the heart. Now... its up to me to show Him that I meant it.. every last word and breath.. I mean it. He was angry.. saying people gossiped about Him. I didnt mean for it to appear that way. I asked advice... it was my fault for the other's answering. I felt so small.. and the lashing I was getting from Him... beat me into the dirt so hard I thought I'd never rise from it. But He told me.. not to wallow in my mistakes. And I would not. He asked me.. what would I do with the words I got right from His mouth. And I told Him.. I would heed them. I got up and brushed myself off as He left muttering. I stared at my bowl of blackwine for awhile. Mulling over everything He had said.. past.. and present. I knew just what I had to do. He wanted to know me... He wants to know Silken. He wants to know the Woman behind all the masks. He wants to know secrets and things I hide. I have something to show Him.
And yes... it is me.
And yes... it is me.
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