That little voice in my head... errr ok several loud prominate voices in my head.. told me... no.. warned me NOT to go to the fires. Stay away ! Save yourself! Damn.. I never did listen too well. I found my feet heading in that direction while the body said.. we are going to the stream. I was walking all twisted... again. Much like that day when I had a note to drop off to Fonce and part of me said not too. Either way... I gave into the lower half and sauntered over to get a bowl of mainfire blackwine. No sooner did I scoop it up... and not even a greeting extended yet.. than... my name was called. Loud and strong. "SILKEN!" Holy splintering blackwine bowls, Boskman! My arms jerked up.. I saw the precious liquid rise up in a stream and I had to juggle around to catch most of it back in the bowl as it fell back down. Pretty proud of myself too... only a few drops spilt. A slow turn and there sat Ayguili on the greys. My chance to run did come... He patted the furs beside Him saying He wanted to talk to me. Me? Hell... Kae was beside me.. surely He meant Her. And I told Her so.. ya know... Hey.. The Ubar wants to talk to you. "Silken... come sit" Damn.. busted. Growl... hiss. I made my way over there and sat. Not close but not not far away out of total fear.. heh. Ayguili then floored me. Thanking me for heeding His words... not going out after Nette. He told me He was sorry.. He knew Nette and I were close. He thanked me for giving Him the respect or at least respect of His station. Well.. big DUH! I told Him not to thank me. I was not thanks I needed. I also told Him.. had I gone.. I could have found Her. In my mind.. I had to think that. I had to make myself think that. I couldnt stand to let it go and know that I had failed yet another Sister. I didnt protect Her. I had promised to always be there and I wasnt. I failed. Skies.. I failed. So dont thank me for failing.
But... Yes.. true there was much I needed to say to Him right then and there.... I had learned to shut your mouth at the fires. Not speaking in public seemed to work very very well. Yes.. a lesson I had finally learned. Yet... the harder one of "asking" to speak to someone in private elluded me still. I dont know how to do that. I probably never will. So... what I needed to say and speak of.. once more went to file in those unresolved catch buckets in my brain.
Enter Ramza... Silken scoots closer to Ayguili. Did She fear Ramza? Ohhh hell no! But She did fear.. opening Her mouth or standing up and decking the Monkeyasswonderboy. He tried to speak to me... even appologize for what happened. I told Him not to. He said... "Next time when I say something.. listen to me" I told Him.. "Oh dont worry, I will not ask you a question ever again, if punching a Woman in the gut hard enough to shatter Her spine is how your respond" And I meant it. Lesson number two learned. Dont talk to Men. They either hit you when they dont know how to control you... or they slap a collar around your neck because they dont understand.. or they walk away and leave you more fustrated than when you began.. or.. or.. they just ignore you. Growl.. snarl. I called Ramza a jerk under my breath... and a boskarse. Ayg quietly reminded me that while He may be a jerk.... He was still a scarred Warrior and not to dishonor Him at the fires. I whispered back.. "Then with all due respect.. He is a scarred jerk boskarse Warrior." Ayg just rolled back to sit... and asked me how my children were. Huh? "Just fine.. thank you for asking" HissHiss. Head shake.
Is it so bad to give up? Is is really so horrible that I dont know where to go or how to move next? Keeping up this false facade that everything is fine and dandy seems to make people happy. Im not in any trouble and no one is pointing a finger a me... so... perhaps it is how things should be. If it works.. dont fix it.
So many pieces... I wouldnt know where to start.
Sigh.
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