Page 546 ~ The cold within

While cleaning out a wagon preparing for the move once again... I stumbled upon this old weathered book of remberance. My fingers gently brushed over the worn supple cover and I began to peel back the binder to a random page but... stopped. My heart fell into a grasp of hurt and I closed the book and tossed it aside. I was almost.. afraid to touch it. I didnt want to remember. I didnt want to feel. Eventually it got the best of me and with a heavy fur draping my shoulder and swollen belly... I sat against the wall of the wagon and began reading. I laughed.. cried.. grew angry and then... nothing. Nothing.. as I came to the next blank page. Staring at it for a long time... it called to me... begging me to write in it. I spoke to it.. arguing that it wanted more than I could give. And as much as I fought... I gave in. So? Here I am. I have nothing to speak of outside my own life and wagons. As the wagon rocks along the trail North.. I think of my unborn child that grows heavy in my belly. Soon He or She will breathe the cold air of the Northern plains... yet.. I am sad that the family I once knew will not be there to rejoice in this gift. Ash had been busy with this move.... taking over for those supposedly in charge and gathering others to get the Tuchuk moving. His work at the forge that He so loves suffers with this new responsibility. I do not complain nor voice my objections. I know it is what needs to be done. But it doesnt make it any easier. I am able to hide my emotions once again... I guess it is protection from the pain. I need to concern myself as it is with the arrival of our new baby and the care of all our children. Dakota has not left my side and Shanay watches over me like a great Tuchuk healer. I try to cover up the pains that have begun but I trained Her well... even She can read the signs... this baby will come soon. The other children cannot wait tho Bull's nose is a bit out of joint knowing His days as the "baby" are just about over. I am tired. So very tired.. and I try not to get up and move... perhaps holding onto the last bit of joy of being pregnant. So? thats it. Or.. thats all I care to think about right now. I hope I can hold out a few more days till we settle at our new camp. I cannot bother Ash now with this... He needs to concentrate on the People. I need His focus on the tribe.. not worried about me. Thats a switch... huh? Its time to tell Bull another story.. to cuddle and baby Him and rest... after all... soon... He will be a big brother... and I? I'll be a Mama again. Can.... I... make... it ???

Page 545 ~ The Quiet among us

It has been long since Ive felt the need to write in this book. Perhaps the quiet that surrounds the plains is the cause. I cannot say or... I just dont want to. Ive spoken to a few.. a very small few that have ventured to the main fires over these past months.. and each calls for the same thing but no one seems to be doing anything about it. I spoke my peace to two.. seems my words fell on deaf ears. I did not expect less. It is what it is. I cannot change it... and I wont try. The only thing I do is ... live. I live for what is in front of me. Ash.. my children... and a few of the one's I call friends. I survive for family and Tribe because it is not in me to just give up. I will never give up... not so long as I have a moveable bone in my body.
Trust no one... for the one you do will surely crush you beneath their boots first chance given. Those that lay claim to the heritage yet stay away for whatever reasons... and yes I have my opinions why. Ive watched the move take place twice with little if no guidance from those supposedly left in charge. Again... I just followed. Ash picked up the stakes and off we went. Wagons fell into place behind other's... but it was somber and quiet time. Even the bosk do not bellow with lungs filled of the plains air. So now.. we arrive back in the warm air and green grasses and life moves on .. even without us. Gone are the fun filled times of firelight conversations. Gone is the laughter and love of friends and family. Gone is guidence and existance. Gone is normalcy. Gone.... all gone.
Yet a few strong remain and survive. I am one. Ash... and our children. We stayed. We continue. I know no other way. He wouldnt let me give up... even though Ive thought it... I think Ive even spoken it. Some say they are leaving. Going to the city to find life... I know of one that did. Abandoning the group as soon as the chips fell. I cant understand that. I cant fathom it. So... I just let it drift away with all the other crap that Ive seen. I was born here... I will die here. Not for a long time.... Skies willing.
So just what is the next step? Where do I go from here? I cannot answer that either. I can only sit.. wait.. and see who or what the winds bring to the Tuchuk.
For as long as there is one... there will be many.

Page 544 ~ Eggs-actly

"What the heck are you talking about???!!!" I looked at the slave girl like she had two heads and an extra eye right smack dab in the middle of her two foreheads. For a moment.. I thought she might turn on a heel and run. My looks never did settle slaves. But... this one held her ground.. at least for the ehn. her name is onna. I tipped my head.. intensifying that look more and she explaned that she had come from Earth.. captured in one of the raids and brought to Gor. Great... I thought. I had little patence for slaves and even less for a barbarian one. onna.. was close to her Earth name of donna... but the slaver just couldnt grasp her full name so she was stuck with the shortened version. Ive heard worse.. she had heard worse.. so I suppose there was no arguement.
onna then expanded on my original questioning of her way out idea for things to do. You see.. there I was.. with my gaggle of children... flustered and needing some peace and quiet.. when onna stopped by with some supplies from the outer wagons. she wondered if I had ever... colored eggs. Errrrr... huh? I sat to the wagon steps and she began her tale. "It was a day in the early Spring.. when the warmer air came.. when flowers emerged from their winter nesting. We would sit around the table and color eggs for the Easter Bunny. Bright.. beautiful colors.. pink.. orange... yellow... blue... green..... " Both brows lifted and I asked.. "The... Easter Bunny?" onna smiled.. chuckled and nodded. "Yes" she said.. "A big bunny came around and gave all the children candy and the eggs we colored the night before... well.. He hid them and we all had to search for them" Again.. I looked at her and those two heads and extra eyeballs. But.. by now.. a few of the younger children had sat down and were entangled in the slave girl's story. A few oooooooo's and ahhhhhhh's were passed between them. "Bosk shit" I said.. and Wily gave me a nudge as the little one's chuckled to my exclamatory remark. "color eggs!!!" shouted Bull... and I groaned. First off.. this seemed like a girly thing to do.. and I wasnt so sure that Ash wouldnt hang my ass in a sling for letting His son do such a thing. "yes ! we want to paint eggs Momma!!" next came the chorus of plea's from Vee and Ess... and even Mia wanted to paint. I could only slap my forehead with my palm. onna smiled "Mistress... i'd be happy to do it with them... " but before she could finish.. the little one's jumped up and were running around in a happy dance.. singing the praises of... coloring eggs. How could I say no to that??? So... I gave in. I was pretty sure my ass would be painted red by Ash for letting such a ... a... non Gorean thing to be learned... if not participated in by the children... but... I was never one to hide from such a thing. onna began to gather some paint... or what she called dye. she said on Earth ... the eggs were dipped in a color and the shell held it.. mostly without staining the yoke or the white inside. But sometimes it seeped through.. and you got to eat a hardboiled pretty colored egg. "Hardboiled?" I asked... and onna nodded. "We need to boil the eggs first" she said. I nodded... ok.. so no waste of good eggs.. so far.. this wasnt all... that bad... was it? Two children... Vee and Ess... shot off like arrows to the vulo coop. Nothing but a dust trail. Mia.. Sonny and Bull were helping onna set up cups. Starr was boiling water. It was like watching a well oiled wagon traverse the grounds. onna put color in the cups.. making one red.. one green and one purple... I assume from juice of berries and herbs. When the twins returned with the eggs... there were enough for two each. Now.. started the fighting. Mia wanted one of each color... and began to barter things off with another child for an extra egg. Bull wanted three red one's... Vee wanted two green and one red.. Ess wanted two red and one purple. And so it continued till someone was crying... someone was screaming.. and another was shoving this one. I stood up and quickly announced that there would be no eggs if this continued. My patence and my nerves were already frazzled.. I wasnt about to let this go on if they couldnt settle it. Eventually.. they did... and I would never tell them how cute they look when they pout. Sonny quietly gave His twin sister one of His eggs so Mia could do three. Vee and Ess teamed up so they would have two red.. one green and one purple. Bull.. was just happy to make a mess. onna helped the children to boil the eggs and Starr oversaw the whole thing.. setting up a table and stumps for the kids to sit on. They eventually got down to coloring the eggs. Dipping and soaking... with very little fighting. Each child gasped as an egg was removed from a cup.. brightly colored. I was rather amazed myself.. but didnt let on. The eggs dried quickly and then onna said they could paint things now on the shells as they wished. Now.. we were getting into more of a mess and it was already late. The children were all finger stained in various colors and I wasnt to happy about having to scrub them. As the light began to fade in the Sky... I announced that we were done with this and it was bath time. To my amazement.. not a word of protest came. The children all smiled... even thanked the slave and gathered up their colored eggs. With Starr in the lead.. she took them all off to the bathing wagon... leaving me with a gaping jaw as they filed off. I set my mouth back in place and looked to onna who was cleaning up with a smile. "Thank you girl" I said quietly and she nodded. "It was my pleasure Mistress" I nodded then myself and reached into my satchel.. removing a small tin of peppermint candies... turning.. I handed it to the girl. "If your owner allows... a token of my thanks for your caring" I said. she smiled and tucked it into her rope belt. "Thank you Mistress" she said "I shall ask Him this evening" and with that.. she finished cleaning and was gone.. back to the outer wagons.
I checked on Jax and the fire.. making sure both were fed... then headed back to my wagon. The first thing I noticed was the quiet. No screaming.. no fighting.. bickering or whining. The second thing I noticed was... No Ash. I sighed loudly and found myself rather tired. I called out to Jax that I was heading to bed... He asked if I was alright.. if I felt ok. And I told Him.. I was just tired. I lied... but He didnt notice. I mean really... what more was there to do when you were alone... but sleep?
As much as I hated the noise....
I hated the silence more.
And I got alot of that... lately.

Page 543 ~ Day in... Day out

I must admit.. even for me.. having nothing "new" to do is becomming a thorn in my side. When I say nothing to do.. I mean nothing to stimulate new senses. Every Tuchuk Man.. Woman and child has things to do. Tending.. herding.. working.. the usual stuff. But there is nothing new to speak of. There is no one to speak to. Though.. I did see Fonce.. and that had a few neurons firing up and someone to speak to other than myself or the children... it is still the same thing day in and day out. Im so.... well... bored ! I do not get to talk to Ash since He comes in after I am asleep and is out before I wake.. Im starting to take this personally and think He doesnt like me. *chuckle*. Or.. that is His way of dealing with me... by selective and precise timing on His part. Avoidance is golden I suppose.
I did find myself with a visitor the past night. Good ole Shi. We had the chance.. and the time to sit and talk. I was hoping for a good Kur hug upon His return home... I guess I expected it... but it did not come. He infact kept His distance.. which was good for the both of us I suppose. I will continue to keep my distance from Him.. other than to tell Him about His son's... or any of their needs. But nothing more than that. It is imperitive that I stay as far from Him as possible. I do not want Him hurt by me which I seem to do at every turn. Its not on purpose.. but I just find myself acting like a goof whenever He is around.
Snow has given way to rain.. another sign that the move will once again be upon us. I can say that I am happy to see this. I love the warmer air and the summering lands. I love the flowers and the green grass. I hope that people will soon venture out of their winter wagon's and return to the fires where we can enjoy the company and sounds of other's. I cant wait to shed the cold clothing and furs wraps. I cant wait till the kids can be sent outside to play on a moments notice.. without bundling them up like small bosk. Its times like these that I look around a wagon.. crammed with children and wonder... what the SKIES am I doing here!!!??? I have many wagons.. yet this small tribe of my blood all want to congregate in one.... MINE !! This one fighting with that one.. this one poking that one.. this one taking that one's item... This one pulled that one's hair.... UGH!! I need time away ! I am losing myself in a sea of little red heads.
Please warm weather hurry up... I need a long soak in a gentle stream....
... alone.

Page 542 ~ Under the watchfull eye

Sitting by the stream.. enjoying the quiet of late.. I really didnt pay much attention to anything around me. I heard the water.. I felt the stabbing chill of air as it crept under the layers of fur draped over me. I am numb. I think its the isolation. There has been no contact with anyone of the Harigga in a long time. Perhaps this unbearable cold winter keeps them all inside... within the safety of their wagons... but not me. I cant stand being cooped up. So.. sitting by the stream has become a time of reflection for me. And... a reflection up and slapped me in the face tonight. It came in the form of Shi. Why? I dont know. He always had this uncanny way of knowing when I was thinking about Him.. or perhaps.. needing Him. But in any case.. He showed up. Just.. checking on me. So.. I lied... or tried to. But He saw right through it. The conversation was neither joyous or enlightning. I felt like I had nothing to say to Him. I know He felt it too. Yet.. I have to keep my distance from Him. I cannot hurt Him anymore... Ive done that enough in the past. I failed Him... and I failed me. Just seeing Him standing there as He looked at me... made it hurt all over again. He will always be my oldest and dearest friend.. and I will always love Him.. perhaps more than I should. He is the Father of some of my children and He will forever hold a piece of my heart... but... well enough said. Im growing tired of things... and increasingly aggitated. Its time.. for a ride..................

Page 541 ~ Watching from a distance

Days keep passing. Days turn into weeks... weeks into months... months into years. I find little time.. or perhaps interest in writing anymore. The only thing I can concentrate on is the children. If not for them... I'd have left this life long ago. Them and well Ash. It is hard.. not seeing much of Him other than when He sleeps. His warmth beside me night after night.. His firm yet gentle grip kept on an arm or leg... or even the light resting of a hand to my back or hip... allows me a few moments rest in the dark cold of night. If I am lucky to gain an Ahn of sleep when He is beside me... I know I jolt awake the moment the chill hits me when He leaves in the early morning Ahn's. Even beneath the cover of many furs... I am cold without Him. The only thing that remains is a feeling of the outline of His hand where it rested.. or the touch of His lips against mine as He kissed me goodbye for the day. He works too hard... much too hard in my opinion... but then again.. I am bias and wish more of His time to be spent with me. For this.. I cannot tell Him what it is that bothers me... because I know of His unbending will for Tribe above all. Sometimes... I tell myself it is Tribe above me... for that is truth. That is essentially what it is. As hard as it is... I am not the most important thing in His life. Or... so I had thought.
As fate would have it... tonight I was working on some medical journal's and tending to the dinner. I was fully engulfed in work.. keeping myself busy to ward off any ill idea's that would land me in hot water. I hadnt noticed Him arrive.. or the fact that for many Ehn's.. my Mate stood beside a wagon and watched me. Only after something I said to our youngest Son was repeated by Ash.. was I awakened to His presense. It is true.. part of me wanted to run to Him and squeeze the stuffing out of Him... yet.. that bitchy attitude brazen Wench part wanted to give Him a hard time and give back some of the hurt I was feeling. I wasnt nasty or mean.. just.. coy and cocky. Ash just laughed. This further infuriated me and I stood up with a wall between us. Damn Him. He cuts through me like a sword into hot butter. He needs no tools to get past that wall and into my space. He needs nothing more than His voice and that look He gives me. I had to break free of His gaze and get His dinner. I had to regroup and replan my attack or surely.. I would fall to His hand. So.. after getting His meal and drink I sat to a step beneath the one He took. Subjected to listening to Him.. I started to break. I had been a selfish bitch. I never thought of things the way He put them to me.. I didnt know.. or perhaps.. didnt care to remember.. just how much this Man loves me. In telling me.. Tribe above all... He said how He worked hard among the people day in and day out.. to make sure that things went well.. so that "His Silken" would be safe and protected within the circles. Skies... I felt like shit. I was guilty... guilty of being a heartless bitch who only thought about Herself. Yet.. He did not judge me or scold me for my emotions or reactions to such circumstances. Instead.. He embraced them and even apologized. *gulp* My heart sank deeper. I in turn apologized for acting how I did... and He smiled. If ever I was connected to someone.. it was Him. In the past I had only thought I was entwined in this life to a Mate.. I was lying to myself. I think I was well aquainted to the other's but on a different level. This time... it is for real. It goes deeper than I ever imagined could be. It is simple.. yet so complex. It is love and hate.. anger and contentment. Everything that could be expressed on an opposite spectrum of emotion ... and we bond tighter than a wet leather knot. How do I explain this to Him... to anyone?? I cannot. I can only be there when He needs warming at night.. I can make sure He is fed.. I can make sure I am there for Him when He needs me... and I can make sure that He knows.. I love Him. And.. I do.
Ive grown up and out in a totally different direction now. I am.. refined. Ohhhh I still have those rough and touch edges given the chance.. but I know I have someone to buff the sharp corners and mold me back into shape. I can wake up now every morning and be proud that I am His Mate. I can hold my head high and let other know that Im ok.
I may still faulter.. I may still slip into that dark abyss at times and wallow in self pity... but I have someone to reach a hand in and pull me out... brush off the dust and set me back on my feet. I love you Ash.
Its more than just red hair that brightens the day....
Its an inner light...
and yes...
you can see it now...
from a distance.

Page 540 ~ Timeless torment

I had packed this old journal away many moons ago. There was little time to sit and reflect on things as they happened. Much had changed... some has not. The people still thrive.. still work and play.. yet.. we have grown distant to those that once shared the warmth and fun of the first fires. The move came and went... more of habit than on orders. The Ubar has not been seen.. at least by me. I have not seen Tarra or Kam.. Fonce, Sev... or anyone for that matter. I wondered for the longest time if I had sleptwalked into another place.. another time or perhaps the outer wagons and just didnt know it. Everything around me is familar.. my wagons, my children and Ash... but those that filled it with the love of family and friendship.. seem to have all but disappeared.
I found the move to be.... lonely. With most gone... it is He that has taken up alot of the work and duties among the first fires. While I would never complain.. at least to Him for I know what He does ... He does out of love for the people.. I cannot deny how it makes me feel. Its not an abandonment type feeling.. but I do feel second to other things. Still... I press on. As I have always done... just a constant familar redheaded becon for those that may return to a familar spot.
The children grow strong and well. Each coming into their clan.. and into their own skin. They still hover over me at times when Im down... or just plain ole feeling sorry for myself. Ash's son, Bull talks up a storm when He is given the chance. I love to sit and listen to His tales and just smile at how much He reminds me of His Papa. He knows I miss His Father very much by the way I just hug and cuddle Him. Though now.. He squirms from me and claims that He is "jus too big ta be baby'in" With them all off on their own adventures of growth.. I am left with much time on my hands to wallow. If Ash were here... He'd be damned to let me sink like this. So... I do my best to keep my head above that abyss that always threatens to swallow me whole.
Tonight.. I think about the choices I made. Were they the right ones? Is this how its supposed to be? Ive asked this before.. Ive gotten advice... but...
this time...
there is no one around to talk to.