Page 551 ~ Jack Ash

Jax. Ash. Two completely different Men but both bosk-headed.. stubborn and in need of a cod piece full of itching powder. True... I love them both... differently. Ash is my Mate. My rock. Everything that I could want or need in a Man. Jax is like a big pain in the ass brother. One that likes to poke and pull my braid.. but would jump in front of a runaway wagon to push me out of its path. Ash has never liked Jax.. from day one. Perhaps its the closeness we share. Or perhaps Ash is just a teensy-weensie bit jealous that Jax is always with me.. and He cannot be. It was never more evident than tonight. Jax had sent word to Ash that we needed to talk. I was not too happy about this.. but I did not argue. So when Ash showed up and Jax started to prod me to speak to Him... things went ass up. First I was bickering with Jax and Ash walked away. Jax goes to approach Ash and just tell Him that I was worried about a few things. The cock fight begins. Mines bigger than yours... well.. not so much those words... but.. akin to them. I gave up. Both of them can stand there and talk.. or rip each other to shreads. Dont matter to me. I have enough on my plate... that I do not need to listen to that. So... I left. Last I saw was the two .. stand-off'in each other as I disappeared down the rows. Yeah.. I needed to talk.. but I was not about to speak to Ash in that mind set. There are just some days that your man needs a whack upside the head with a heavy skillet. This would have to wait till we were not at the main fires. So.. where was I?? Ohh yes.. walking the rows. Didnt take me long to weave around the Harigga before I heard a soft sobbing. Following the sniffles.. I came across a young girl.. no more than four.. maybe five. She looked familar.. but I could not place where or whom I had seen Her with. She sat on the steps of a small wagon... a lil dollie in Her lap that Her tiny fingers stroked gently. When I approached and crouched down... She looked at me with tear stained cheeks and swollen eyes. Immediately.. they widened and She sat up. "Your the healer !" She squeeled and I myself was a bit surprised. "Why.. yes... I am.. but.. how did you know?" I wiped my thumb across a small cheek. "Cause you got fire hair" She said.. and touched my braid that hung over my shoulder. "Ahhhhhh." I nodded... She's heard of me. Interesting. "So.. what has you so upset lil one?" I asked and She lifted Her dollie up. I noted that an arm had torn free of the torso and rolled seperate in Her little palm. "Her arm's boken" She whispered. "May I see??" I asked.. reaching for the dollie which was pulled back from me and a warning gaze given. I smiled and spoke softly... "I promise not to hurt her anymore" I crossed my heart and the young one hesitantly relinquinshed possession of the doll. "Hmmmm... " I put on my best astute face.. studying the doll. The little one whispered.. "Is she gonna die??" I had to bite back a small chuckle and in turn rolled back to sit on my bum. "I think... I can save Her." I said and a chime of uplifted cheers came from the lil girl. Letting my medical satchel slide from my shoulder... I took out needle and thread and began to restitch the arm back into place. It was such a simple little thing.. I wondered why the childs Mother had not thought of it. But in no time.. the dollie had her arm back... and the lil one was all smiles and giggles. She hugged that lil doll.. kissed it and brushed back its woven lil braids. I was surprised as I went to get up by a tackle of a hug that sent us all rolling back to the ground. The lil one kissed my cheek and thanked me. I was humbled as we sat back up... and brushed a few strands of the girl's hair back into place. I tapped the dollie clutched in her hand. "Now.. you make sure your Momma gives her some extra treats tonight after dinner. She needs to heal." I said with a smile. The young one never batted a lash and whispered ... "My Momma's up in the Sky" I frowned.. it all made sense now. "Im sorry lil one." I said softly... cupping a cheek and then rising. "It's ok.. I gots my dollie back!" The girl chirped. "Yes... yes you do. And you two take care of each other." She gave me a big wave and a toothy grin and ran back up into the wagon. I stood outside that wagon for sometime... just staring and listening to the giggles that rose in the air from the little girl. How happy she was with just the little she had. Suddenly... I felt.... shame. Here... I had everything I could ever want... and I was off pouting. I turned and headed quickly back to my wagons... right to my children.. who... all got hugs and kisses. I put out a bowl of candies I had made and let them eat to their hearts content. Gathering up Tae from Aunt's arms.. I went in search of Ash. That bosk-headed big lug was going to get an earfull from me. I needed to hug Him too.. I needed to kiss Him.. I needed to tell Him just how much I loved Him and needed Him.
I rounded the corner of a wagon to see Him and Jax still standing there....
thats when I realized... they never knew I left.
and.... I laughed.

Page 550 ~ Spoiled

It was Jax that followed me to my latest hiding spot. Seems He spoke with the Ubar's guards and now has a more... bigger responsibility. Me. Not just.. following along on my trade routes anymore... but guarding the Ubara. *makes a face* Frankly.. I do not care for the usage of that word. At least for me. It doesnt seem real.. and certainly.. doesnt roll off the tongue. I called Ash.. Ubar. It sounded weird. He agreed. He called me Ubara.. it sounded.. wierd also. I agreed. So.. we decided to just be what were always were and always will be. Good ole Ash and Silken. Commander and Free Woman of the Tuchuk.
But anyway.. that wasnt what sent me in a tailspin and off to hide in an old wagon of Shi's. It was something Ash had said. We talked just alittle about all the new responsibilites. And He reaffirmed that He would need me more now than ever.. and wanted to be sure that when things for His day were all said and done.. or He had been called away to speak with someone.. He just wanted to know that I would be there... waiting for Him.. ready to assist.. ready to pull Him back down to the ground so things just didnt seem like.... messed up. I assured Him that I was going no where.. and would do nothing differently. I would always be waiting for Him... well.. I did give Him a few exceptions to which He laughed heartily. What followed then.. was the statement that.. "Everything has come full circle, Silken" Beyond that... everything He said.. was just a blur. Not once.. but twice.. I had now heard this. Was this my own personal Omen? Was the Sky just.. sticking that dagger a little bit deeper between my ribs and giving it a small twist? Suddenly... I felt.... sick. I told Ash I had people waiting at my healers wagon... and hurried off quickly. I wanted to tell Him... I wanted to scream.. cry... throw a tantrum... but knew I could not. Several times as I walked the rows in the darkness... I stopped and turned back.. intent on finding Ash and just... laying it all out on the table. But I couldnt. What if He laughed? What if He just.. tried to convince me.. it wasnt what I thought? When there are only two people I could actually tell this too.. that might understand... yet... might think me silly??? Fonce and Tarra. I had stopped by Tarra's wagons.. but was told She was not available. Understandable.. She is very busy I suppose. We all are. And Fonce... well.. He already thinks me insane... so.. its just better to deal with it... even badly on my own.
So... I was sitting in this old beat up wagon of Shi's when I heard boots on the steps. The door opened and in walked Jax. Now... Jax has been with me since.. well.. since I was little. He did not become a more prominant figure in my life until Jerus. When He was made Commander of the guards that would follow on trade routes. Once Jerus died... all the other's left... taking other positions and what not. But Jax stayed. We have a love hate relationship.. and probably always will... but the Man has stuck His neck out for me more than once.. and lost a few pints of blood on more than one occasion... and even had some of His ass chewed out for a few of my adventures. But I know that no matter what... He always has my best interest at hand. He came into the wagon this night and grabbed me rather hard by the arm... yanking me from the wagon and back outside where I was ushered... and none to gently... by the shoulder back to our wagons. He sat me down with a shove to the shoulder and fingers around my neck and said only two words. "Your Spoiled" I lifted a brow... then frowned and snapped at Him. "What? Are you crazy?" I said. He shook His head and wagged a finger at me. "You cannot just walk off Silks. Not anymore. Your Spoiled. You need to stop running from Ash.... You need to tell Him" He said again. "Tell Him what?" I said and Jax laughed. "You know damn well, what.. Woman" He said and I looked away. Jax knew everything... my secrets... my fears.. loves.. hates.. and yes.. He knew things from when I was little as well. This was a moment when I didnt need Him prying into my brain. He told me that He was going to get Ash and would lock us both in the wagon until this was straightened out. I told Him.. good luck trying... I was always a master escape artist. Soon as He left.. I made a dash for the bathing wagons. I knew that was one place He would not enter. Latching the door behind me... I readied a nice hot steaming bath and undressed to slide into the lapping hot water. It enveloped me like a cozy blanket... and I sighed... trying to let the days events literally.. wash away. And almost suceeded... till that knock came at the door...
"Go away" I said... angry now that someone had disturbed me. "I will not" came the reply... Jax's reply no less. Heh. I ignored Him. "Silken? If you do not open this door, by the count of three... I will break it down" Jax said. I only chuckled.... and listened.
"One" I looked to the door... waiting.... waiting....
"Two?" Grinning... He wouldnt... no.. He wouldnt dare. I waited more.
"Three!!" Came and nothing happened.. so I settled back into the water with a smirk....
that is...
until the door cracked and splintered the frame .... flew open and the latch went flying across the room.....

Page 549 ~ Tip me over

The bonfire. Ive grown accustomed to building one every night. I dont know why I have this need to make it so big. Perhaps it just adds more light to the Harigga... and perhaps I hope to draw people from their hibernation in wagons to join the main fires once more. Maybe its just something to occupy my down time. In any case... it does draw a few. Mainly Seveya. I have to admit that as I add the chips to the fire... letting it grow steadily.. I watch the rows in hopes that She might just appear. Her company is welcomed... and Her compassion unmatched. I think She senses that I am a jumbled mess of things in my mind.. and in Her own little way She tries to ease it from me. Yet tonight... I totally blew that away. I was at the fires with Tae nestled in the craddle of my thighs when Sev arrived. She sat down and we both talked for a few moments about this and that. Mainly about how things had gone between Fonce and Ash and the capturing of the Greys. My arms were tired.. and my legs needed a break so I plopped Tae down into the craddle of Sev's skirt. I saw Her hesitance to touch the baby.. and did not push it. Some people just dont like to hold babies. But this was not holding... it was just... becoming a valley of sorts to hold Her. I watched as Tae smiled to Sev and used a floppy still uncoordinated arm and hand to swipe at Her colorful braids. But... Somehow.. in my wildest of dreams as we spoke... I did not expect to mention the whole "coming full circle" thing. But I must have said it because Sev agreed that it had done so. I felt my chest seize and I couldnt breathe. I paniced and though I knew I had left Seveya feeling She did something or said something wrong... I had to get out of there fast. She questioned me... What was wrong... I could only answer that I was tired.. I felt ill... the baby needed to eat. It just felt like my dreams had torn into my chest.. grabbed my heart and pulled. I needed to get to my wagon before I broke down... or completely lost my mind. Quickly I took the baby and left... at least trying to assure Sev that She did nothing wrong with a few nicities of words and then climbed into my wagon to... well... hide. I fed Tae... and then wrapped her up in tiny furs and set Her down for a nap. I found myself searching the wagon in my secret hiding places... trying to find my old flask... or that old tarnished silver tin. Neither of which I could locate. Then grabbing the keys to my medical supply wagon... I was just about out the door... desperate to get just a small bit of kanda when Tae let out a small whimper. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I looked to the jingling keys in my hand and when the reality of what I was doing with them set in. I finally cracked.. pressing my back into the wall and sliding down it into a crumpled heap on the floor. I knew that I had to tell Ash. I knew that if I didnt speak to Him... I was going to force myself down a path that would be.... self destructive. Ohhh but the urge.. the fucking craving to stop the pain was overwhelming. It took all I could not to get back up and walk out that wagon. Instead... I crawled to our sleeping platform and into the furs. The pain in my head as well as in the pit of my stomach was so severe I think I finally just passed out.
Thats when the dreams came... full force.
I was standing in the back of a large group of people that all focused on a Man before them. Slaves surrounded Him... crawling... begging with the touch of hands... writhing at His feet for His attention. I had to get closer.. I had to see who it was.. and I began to shove and push my way through the sea of bodies. I never seemed to gain ground... but finally.. I made it to the first row and broke through... landing on my hands and knees between two slaves. My first sight was of boots. Then righting myself slightly... I scanned upwards over legs... to a waist. Higher yet to a stomach... then a chest. My skin felt prickly... warm... and like it tightened as I looked further up. Now the last horts and I looked to the face. I know... I screamed in my sleep... for I was looking at Ash. He just looked down at me... laughed.. and kicked me away in favor of the half clad sluts worshipping Him. I begged Him... pleaded for Him to not do this... not hurt me... but He only jesture was to remove a collar from His belt and dangle it on a finger at me. My head shook slowly side to side as tears fell. He stepped closer... crouched and grabbed a fist full of my hair... His voice then at the shell of my ear.. whispering... "I dont need you anymore.... unless... it is this way" and the collar was shoved into my vision. "No.. no!" I whispered with a meek..timid voice. "Then you will die. I have no use for a Mate any more" He said... and with that the collar was tossed aside to be replaced with His sword. I heard it cut through the air as He lifted it high... and I looked to Him once more. "Ash... please! I... I love you!" I said. But He only smiled and then the blade was sliced down.

It was that tinglie.. shot through a tunnel at high speed type feeling that I remember next.. and I was soon sitting up with a start... shaking.. sweating and crying. The dream still so profound.. so vivid that I looked around for signs of Ash... or.. my head rolling around seperated from my shoulders. Tae had awoken... prolly from my cries and screams... so I took Her to nurse and tried to calm myself down. Was I going crazy? Was this what full circle felt like? Is this how the end.... began?
I just wanted someone to tip me over and pour out all the bad stuff.
I needed to find Ash..... He would know what to do.
He just had to.

Page 548 ~ Full Circle

For some time now.. Ive been keeping secrets. Not any devistating kind of bombshell that would rock the world with repercussions or things of that sort. But the kind of secrets of thoughts and fears that culminate within this scattered brain of mine. The dreams Ive been having are... keeping me from sleeping a full night. Maybe Im just sleep deprived.. being up with Taeleah all hours and off my normal pattern. Maybe its the fact that so much time has passed and there was no sign of Ayg. And I knew that a decision would need to be made on the Greys. I also knew that Ash would be a canidate for those Greys. Ash was a great Ubar the last time He led the People. True.. He accepted the position before during a time of great turmoil... but what great leader didnt? Isnt the current leader the one that inherets all the bad stuff from the one before them? And are they not the one's that get blamed for current problems? Im not stupid. I know this. So... with all the dreams and now Ash accepting the Greys.... Im in mental and emotional meltdown. Believe it or not.. it was Seveya that kept me from opening up my mouth and saying something stupid when Fonce and Ash spoke last night. Somehow... just our shared looked .. comforted me. It helped that we spoke before the decision was offical. I felt Her... compassion and I felt for the first time in a long time that... someone had my back. Someone I could trust and count on and know that I could go to them if I needed to talk. She actually was giving me a chance... unlike some that will judge me right off the start line. I did not tell Sev this... not yet. But I will... soon as I get this puzzle of a brain back in order.
Am I scaired? Shit yes! Petrified ! Ive been on these plains and through countless Ubar's over the years. I DONT want this to turn out like them. I dont want to lose my Mate. I dont want to lose myself. Yet... I know that I cannot be selfish. Ash belongs to the People now. His time and His effort is theirs. Selfish? Yes... yes I am.
So... I started to think. My life began as a young Tuchuk. Free.. happy... wide eyed and ready to take the world on by the balls. Events unfolded and I was enslaved. First En Safora to the Ubar... then the tribe and then En Safora to the Law Giver... and eventually freed to take my place as His Mate. And Ive been free ever since. Since Hawks died and I was left to raise His twins alone... Ive had several other Mates and handfulls of children. Ive had my good times and Ive had bad times that embarass even myself. I just have to remember that... the past is what makes us who we are. None of us are perfect.. including myself. But everything Ive done.. good and bad.. molded me to who and what I am today. Besides Shanay and Dakota... Hawks left me with something I still carry with me to this day. He told me of the circle of life. He made sure I remembered and never forgot that everything comes full circle. Life and death. So... with Ash becoming Ubar... this means that my circle is growing to a close... coming complete. The is no more ring to move around... I am at the end. Once this run is over... to me... I believe it will be the end of me. My death.... for I have lived now this full circle. Skies... I cant put it into words.. exactly what I mean. I have it mapped out vividly in my mind and Ive lived by it forever... having never seen the end of my circle... until now. I have not shared this with any other living soul. No Mate prior and not even Ash. I know they will think me silly... I know they will say that I have pleanty of living to do after this. But I would not believe them. Its just... something inside me that tells me... this is my ending. The story was written long ago and now the ending must be completed. It is why... I told Ash that if He ever died.. or if He ever grew tired of me and left me... I would be no more. He is and will be the last Tuchuk to ever know Silken, the Mate. It is why... I could not die with Hawks the first time my heart was broken. The Sky stepped in and shook Her gnarled finger at me and laughed. "Not yet, little hawk" She said. When Steel was taken away in a time of War... when news of His death reached me years later... that I melted into my furs and remained there for weeks without food or water. She glared at me... "No.. still not yet, little hawk" It is why when Jerus was killed... I could not draw the dagger deep enough to drain myself of blood and go with Him. She grunted... shook Her head and snickered.. "There is more to do, little hawk" My wishes to go with them.... would not be granted. I know now.. why. It is because I had not come full circle with Her.
A circle goes on forever Silken. There is no starting point... no stopping point. Right???
I dare you to tell that to the Smithy that made it.

Page 547 ~ Flip

The Sky has a funny way of sneeking up on you and flipping the cards. The Sky is notorious for these games. One day your moving along and then "Flip" ! Corraled into something more dreadful. Now was no different... Life had sprung into the Tuchuk. Part of it came close to 9 days late of my due date. Ash had been summonded by Jax to the start of labor.. which after this many children.. did not last long. Shanay had been trained well... keeping Ash settled and calm while I did what I had to.. bringing this child into the world of the Plains and People. A girl.. a beautiful girl that was handed into those huge hands of my Mate. She looked so small against Him... a tiny bundle that was minored with His size. But the love in Ash's eyes were bigger than anything. We had tossed many names about. And when He held His daughter... He bid Her to carry a very special name. Taeleah Ember. But I was not to be left out on this one. I had my own choice in mind.. and I wanted Ashlyn. Somewhere amongst the tears of joy... and my stubborn opinion... our daughter became known.. and was offered to the Sky in prayer as Taeleah Ember Ashlyn Ley. Life moves on... sometimes faster than we hope... evident by this new life that is nestled between Ash and I as we slept for a few Ahn's that night. A... few mind you. Taeleah has one of my more.... annoying traits. A piercing whail that cuts through you like hot steel. Luckily.. She takes to nursing quickly.. without further fuss and I can half sleep as She feeds. Tucked into Ash's embrace... His arm curled around me and gently stroking His daughters tiny forearm... we rest. Aunt cares for the other children. Little Bull is no longer bent out of shape... now that He knows He is still my baby... my baby boy. Something that had Him quite hell bent on throwing fits here and there. Yes... everything is right as rain. So I thought.
Flip !
Days later... Taeleah is settled into a deceint sleep pattern... enought that I can rest and Ash can sleep mostly. I had put Tae into the furs on our sleeping platform and settled down to pull myself tightly against Ash. Draping an arm over His chest and a leg over His... His grip around me tightened and drew me even closer. His chest rising sharply.. then settling back into a peaceful sleep. Thankfull.. I am able to provide Him this comfort... I too drift into a more deeper sleep than Ive had lately. Until I began to dream. Now... it is not unusual to not remember details of dreams.... this was no exception. Yet... I woke before dawn.. sweating... breathing hard.. and with this fear of whatever it was that had invaded my mind. For days after.. bits and pieces flooded back into awareness. I knew it had to do with Ash... I knew it had to do with the People.... and I knew that Fonce was connected. Odd? Yes. So.. I did my best to put on a happy face... push the visions from my mind and carry on.
Flip !
Enter the main fires. I was resting there tonight. Enjoying the fridged air that to me was cold beyond cold. I had a bonfire that could be seen for passangs. Ash appeared... then Fonce.. Sev.. and Ramza. Sudden familar feelings.... and yes it felt good. Tuchuks had emerged from hibernation... I will quietly attribute that to my bonfire of course. But that nagging ache in my head began to return. Greetings exchanged and some catching up was done... then Fonce spoke. "Ash? when you have a moment... I'd like a few" As if someone had thrust their fist into my chest.. I lost my breath. I saw... and I heard those words before. Deja Vu Silken? Yes Ma'am. Ash and Fonce began to speak. Fonce asked Ash if He had taken over the Greys. Ash said no. They were not His to take. Fonce asked if Ash wanted them. Ash said.. He was not next in line for them. Now... Men say that Women are confusing... and yet these two Men danced around the issue of the Grey's with two left feet. I could tell as I looked at Seveya that we both sorta were thinking the same thing as they skirted the ultimate decision. So as Ash was called away for a few moments.... I was then asked... What do you think of being an Ubara? Well fuck me.. I thought. Of all the things Ive been ... Ive never been an Ubara... nor have I ever really imagined being one. Now... while I wanted to say... I'd be honored... which in this case was true... in my usual Silken response I replyed... "well.. Im useta dealing with children" Insert the laughter here. If anything.. that was brutally honest. Ash returns... stage right. I can tell His mind frame has changed... but... for some reason... He does not even acknowledge my presense there. More flashbacks of my dream double imprint on the moment. Almost similar... almost a double exposure of time.. but not quite. There is just enough distortion that it gives me a headache and makes me feel... weak. I know the questions before they are to be spoken... Ive heard this script before... but I have never heard the final outcome. It didnt take long before I had the ending. Fonce had asked Ash to continue to lead the people as He had been doing. I looked to Ash..waiting with baited breath for His reply. His answer would determin many fates. Including mine. I wanted to scream... wait !! wait !! Let me tell you something !! But... I was too late... Ash accepted the Grey's. It was at that moment that I remember the full dream. Everything that terrorized me... pained me to see and feel... hit me like a thousand stones.. right in the chest. I never got to tell Ash the dream... and I dont think I will. He doesnt not need the silly imprints of visions from my sleep to chew upon.... worry about. He has a new responsibility now.
There is one that knows... for He was there when I fell apart after everyone had left the fires. Somehow I will thank Him for His kind words.
I left the fire with Jax's arm curled about my shoulders... a small wooden bosk widdled from a piece of wood and a bowl of tea. He guided me to a small private wagon to rest. Carefree.... worry free times of days past now gone. I know Ash....
It would be Tribe above all....
and I was included in the "all"....

Flip !

Page 546 ~ The cold within

While cleaning out a wagon preparing for the move once again... I stumbled upon this old weathered book of remberance. My fingers gently brushed over the worn supple cover and I began to peel back the binder to a random page but... stopped. My heart fell into a grasp of hurt and I closed the book and tossed it aside. I was almost.. afraid to touch it. I didnt want to remember. I didnt want to feel. Eventually it got the best of me and with a heavy fur draping my shoulder and swollen belly... I sat against the wall of the wagon and began reading. I laughed.. cried.. grew angry and then... nothing. Nothing.. as I came to the next blank page. Staring at it for a long time... it called to me... begging me to write in it. I spoke to it.. arguing that it wanted more than I could give. And as much as I fought... I gave in. So? Here I am. I have nothing to speak of outside my own life and wagons. As the wagon rocks along the trail North.. I think of my unborn child that grows heavy in my belly. Soon He or She will breathe the cold air of the Northern plains... yet.. I am sad that the family I once knew will not be there to rejoice in this gift. Ash had been busy with this move.... taking over for those supposedly in charge and gathering others to get the Tuchuk moving. His work at the forge that He so loves suffers with this new responsibility. I do not complain nor voice my objections. I know it is what needs to be done. But it doesnt make it any easier. I am able to hide my emotions once again... I guess it is protection from the pain. I need to concern myself as it is with the arrival of our new baby and the care of all our children. Dakota has not left my side and Shanay watches over me like a great Tuchuk healer. I try to cover up the pains that have begun but I trained Her well... even She can read the signs... this baby will come soon. The other children cannot wait tho Bull's nose is a bit out of joint knowing His days as the "baby" are just about over. I am tired. So very tired.. and I try not to get up and move... perhaps holding onto the last bit of joy of being pregnant. So? thats it. Or.. thats all I care to think about right now. I hope I can hold out a few more days till we settle at our new camp. I cannot bother Ash now with this... He needs to concentrate on the People. I need His focus on the tribe.. not worried about me. Thats a switch... huh? Its time to tell Bull another story.. to cuddle and baby Him and rest... after all... soon... He will be a big brother... and I? I'll be a Mama again. Can.... I... make... it ???

Page 545 ~ The Quiet among us

It has been long since Ive felt the need to write in this book. Perhaps the quiet that surrounds the plains is the cause. I cannot say or... I just dont want to. Ive spoken to a few.. a very small few that have ventured to the main fires over these past months.. and each calls for the same thing but no one seems to be doing anything about it. I spoke my peace to two.. seems my words fell on deaf ears. I did not expect less. It is what it is. I cannot change it... and I wont try. The only thing I do is ... live. I live for what is in front of me. Ash.. my children... and a few of the one's I call friends. I survive for family and Tribe because it is not in me to just give up. I will never give up... not so long as I have a moveable bone in my body.
Trust no one... for the one you do will surely crush you beneath their boots first chance given. Those that lay claim to the heritage yet stay away for whatever reasons... and yes I have my opinions why. Ive watched the move take place twice with little if no guidance from those supposedly left in charge. Again... I just followed. Ash picked up the stakes and off we went. Wagons fell into place behind other's... but it was somber and quiet time. Even the bosk do not bellow with lungs filled of the plains air. So now.. we arrive back in the warm air and green grasses and life moves on .. even without us. Gone are the fun filled times of firelight conversations. Gone is the laughter and love of friends and family. Gone is guidence and existance. Gone is normalcy. Gone.... all gone.
Yet a few strong remain and survive. I am one. Ash... and our children. We stayed. We continue. I know no other way. He wouldnt let me give up... even though Ive thought it... I think Ive even spoken it. Some say they are leaving. Going to the city to find life... I know of one that did. Abandoning the group as soon as the chips fell. I cant understand that. I cant fathom it. So... I just let it drift away with all the other crap that Ive seen. I was born here... I will die here. Not for a long time.... Skies willing.
So just what is the next step? Where do I go from here? I cannot answer that either. I can only sit.. wait.. and see who or what the winds bring to the Tuchuk.
For as long as there is one... there will be many.