Page 518 ~ All of me

Heated words. The air is thick... hot. The kind of air that makes it a chore to breath. The kind where your shoulders pull back.. your head arches upward.. searching for the smallest break from humid air. Movements are restricted to simple things. Even the children have found quiet and a small relief of cooler air under the wagons. No running.. jumping.. even playing is a chore. Its dry also.. no rain.. no cool liquid drops from the Sky. The grasses are showing signs of thirst.. wilting and unable to replenish the lush blanket that feeds our beasts. The animals have become almost.. paniced.. like they sense something coming. Some of the Alpha Males have moved closer to the stream to secure the wet grasses. I have noticed the drop in the water level against the bank. I started marking it weeks ago.. it is down to a few horts in some places. The children and I did cut out a deeper spot in the silt near a bend in the stream.. but it seems now the animals have taken up residency there.. I dont blame them.

The haze that filters over the plains is unsettling. At night.. the Sky.. wicked bitch She is.. paints deep angry colors. Ive begun to wonder if I went too far.. cursing Her and telling Her to bring on Her best. I feel guilty for challenging Her and.. I am scaired of the changes Ive been seeing. Not only in the landscape.. but in the People.. and in me. Ive doused the campfires around my wagons... using only a few small copper bowls and lamps. It helps to keep the heat down... and subsequently sinks me into darkness where I cant be found. An old habit.. but a comfortable one. There are unspoken concerns... but they can been seen in everyone's eyes and worn on masks within their faces. This became a reality when the order arrived from the Ubar to stock the water barrels. I told Dakota to cut the paga making in half.. we needed all the barrels we could get.

I wondered if the heat had gotten to Ash... after a night of intense revelations and self awareness. It left me.. disturbed as to what I felt. I didnt understand what happened... not that it was bad... it was just... strange to me. The how's and why's as to what I was feeling... was unreachable in thinking. The more I tried to piece it together.. the more I self analizied and confused myself. Several times I wanted to place a palm to Ash's shoulder and shake Him gently to wake Him up. I needed to understand... I needed Him to tell me.. what was happening. What was wrong... with me? But this Man needed His sleep. He worked hard... especially with what He did to me this night. He has put sooooo much effort into me.. that I could never repay or begin to thank Him. I dont know what I did to deserve Him. I only know that He has been given a part of me I swore to never reveal to anyone ever again. And that's scary. To feel that open and vunerable... makes me shiver when I think of it. But also... I want Him to have it... I want Him to take it. I want Him to reach in and pull me inside out.. I want someone to see the real me.. finally. Not the one I hide behind all the time. I have grown tired of the fake front and the hard shell. Ash has shown me it is ok to be.... me. And His smile and words when such happens... make me melt in my place. I see that... its ok to be quiet and not so boisterous. Its ok to be feminine. Its ok to be scaired. And... its ok to trust.

So... with the light of morning rising.. and the return of the Central fire in the Sky bringing more heavy stinging warmth upon us.... I find myself craving what I felt last night. I dont know how to tell Ash this. I cannot find the words to express it. Ive mulled over several failed attempts at putting it into a phrase... but they all sounded so weak. I left the wagon as He began to stir from slumber. I sought refuge under one of my wagons within the shade and cool ground. If my words could not express my thoughts and feelings.... then perhaps the simple note and black strip of leather I left by His boots would say it all........

"All of me...... please"

Page 517 ~ Dont try so hard

Ash was busy in the Forge... again. Not that Im complaining.. I suppose I am use to if not getting use to Him working alot. The move requires much for everyone... who am I to be selfish. Uhhhhh.. exactly. Ive been keeping busy.. making sure the wagon's are up to keep and nothing is falling beyond simple repairs. Ive been stocking the supply wagons.. makign extra salves.. oils and remedies. I will need to take a trip to the trade post soon and get bandages and such to pile up for whatever may come. Ive also been making lots of cookies. Not spending time in the making of the Paga lately... has given me Ahn's in the day to find something else constructive to work on. Its not that Ive lost interest in paga brewing... but I know that Ash isnt exactly fond of me being there. Temptions He just may feel are too great for me... though.. He has not actually voiced His objection to my being there... I just gave the job to Dakota. Kota looked at me rather funny when I told Him I wanted Him to take over. He placed a hand to my forehead.. asking if I felt alright. I told Him I was fine... and that I just had too much on my plate.. something needed to go. So.. Dakota now does the brewing. Seems to fix a few things that worried me. But... back to baking. Ive discovered cookies. Sweet biscits and breads. I had lots of stone and idea's on how to make an oven of sorts. It took alot of trial and error... and in the end I was trying to make something more difficult that it was. It's that... undying urge to always be perfect or at least... make things really good. Eventually... after Jax told me not to try so hard... I went with a simply box design of stone and hardened clay. The first batch of cookies burned... had to lower the fire and make it smaller. The second batch was better... more adjustment on heat. But the third came out perfect.. chewey on the inside.. crispy on the outside. I was rather pleased with myself. I got to making shapes.. all kinds. Little bosk.. vulo... bones... swords... wheels. Anything I could think of... the possibilities were endless. The kids found them fun.. and it kept them busy trading different shapes for one's someone else got. Now here's where I went.. alittle.. whacko. After the kids went off to their various lesson's... I got alittle... frisky in my cookie making. Shaping up some boobs, which Ayguili got a basket of. Some tiny pecker's.. which of course a few of the Women got... and a nice batch of ass. Yep.. Ass cookies. I'd felt like one.. especially in how I reacted to trying to appologize to Fonce.. and in the doing of it... I felt bad for Sev having to witness that. I sent Her a box of the Ass cookies... and a note that I was sorry for being an "ass". It was worse when at the fires... She brought the box out and needed Fonce to read the note. From now on... Sev would get picture notes.. because I nearly sunk into the ground when She had to get Fonce to read my little... message. There were snickers.. jokes and "looks". Just shoot me now... was all I could think of. But in the end.. Sev came over and thanked me for the cookies. I hoped She understood why... but the talking too would just wait until a more quiet time.

I left soon after and headed to the stream. Sliding into the cool water for some relaxtion. I am still learning to battle my phobia's and not take the direct jabs at humor to heart.. so I needed this cooling off. I heard Fonce and Sev coming closer in the darkness. They stood not far from where I was soaking.. and when I heard the conversation taking place.. I quickly announced.. they were not alone. I heard words cut off and then they greeted me. I told them.. give me an Ehn and I would leave.. but Fonce said I didnt have to. I knew better... a couple doesnt come to a private spot to speak.. only to have an eavesdropper sitting there. Fonce was being.. testy. I was getting pissy... another bad combination.. and it finally culminated in Him snapping at me. Saying He didnt deserve or appriciate my.. attitude. Yeah.. whatever. He left... as He always does.. running off with Sev in tow.

So? I try to hard. I think I dont try enough most times. But for sure.. this time left me confused and baffled. Sometimes.. just saying Fuck it.. works.

It did for me.

Page 516 ~ Baby Face

Unable to wait any longer to see Ash... I packed a small snack for Him and headed to the Forge. He was inside.. as always.. busy working on things that needed doing before the move. I cant tell how long I stood there... leaning against the door frame... bathed in more than heat from the fires inside. Fires made by fuel... not from the heart. That came next.. all too soon.

I had changed into that long skirt.. the soft faded leather wrap that when I stood just so my entire leg from hip to toes would become visable. My vest was the usual old rather tight haulter that left little to the imagination. I braided my hair special... not simply down the back.. but pulled it all to the side... wrapped it in a design and then braided it so it hung down the lenght of my arm and then past down to my feet. I was feeling good... I was looking even better. I marvelled at how this Man brought it all out in me. This... unspoken need to be sexy and recognized for my efforts. MMmmmm. So there I stood.. watching Ash work the metal.. hammering it... cooling.. heating.. hammering more. The ripple of muscles beneath skin... the beads of sweat that trickled down His bare chest. I had to fan myself.. and in doing so.. cleared my throat for the perverbial attention getter. Ash set aside the hammer... pausing to look over to the person that had the gall to interupt His hard work. His look softened more when I tipped my leg out.. just a bit more. I felt His gaze traverse my body up and down and then He smiled. I asked Him... If I could interest Him in anything. He replied.. "What do you have to offer?" I told Him I was but a simple Woman.. I had food.. drink and the pleasure of my company. With that smirk of His He said... "The pleasure of a good conversation? Or the kind of company that could entertain me all night." I smiled and moved into the Forge.. the heat making me squint slightly as I stood before Him. "I am afraid I would be too brazen in answering that" I said.. insert calculated shy tip of my head here. He chuckled. "Do you desire anything?" I asked with a hushed low voice. "Desire? I desire a few things right now" He said and I chuckled. "And you?" He said.... leaving me almost breathless... I told Him what would be nice. "A strong, wise Warrior to take me in His arms... kiss me and profess His undying love would be nice" I said. Ash did that smirk/smile thing that drives me insane... and nodded. "There should be only one Warrior professing His undying love for you." He said.. and stepped closer... His hands now lifting to undo my vest. "You should be careful. You as a healer know the horror's of heat exhaustion... especially being in all this leather" He said as the vest was opened fully to Him. "Hense... my need for a strong Warrior.. He might need to rid me of this leather someday" I said with a grin. "Yes, He would need to be strong.. leather shrinks when it becomes.... wet" Ash said and leaned down to capture those hardened buds now open to the warmth of air in the Forge. Lickity split I responded with a moan... and just had to ask... "Who is the only Warrior to love me??" Ash stopped for a moment and grinned as He stood over me.. looking down... "I dont know.. but whoever it is.. He is really missing out!!!!" He said and then attacked my neck. "These... are mine" spoken after He left a kiss to each breast... "And this is mine" Whispered against my ear once He retreated from my neck. Then.. taking my face in His strong.. large hands.. He tilted my head up to Him and whispered... "And you my Silken... are mine" I melted. The heat in the Forge becomming more than in the air to give me trouble breathing.

Foreplay. Interesting as it is... was not needed. It was enjoyed.. dont get me wrong... but I was hotter than the oven's and any piece of metal in that joint. Kisses led to moans of desire.. whispered words of pleasure... and leather tossed in a pile.. discarded for the wiles of passion. Right in the middle of the Forge is where He took me. I couldnt help but think back to catching Ayg and the slaves at the stream... and I wondered... what if someone came in? I thought how disgusted I was at seeing what I saw... and then laughed... knowing I did the same thing. But my laughter was short lived... I was enticed into the darkness and thrown to the beast that waited over the edge of dreamfull pleasures.

Bathed now in the warmth of air and heaving chests that tried to catch a breath... I kissed His neck and jaw.. whispering my own words of endearment. I slid down and out of His grip to dress... giving Ash a moment to regain some control over His legs. I told Him I would be sure to bring a snack everyday now to the Forge... He was deserving of such for all His hard work. Now... There is this certain look at Man gets... a Baby Face when He speaks of His legacy and heirs to His name. It made the corner of my mouth tweek upwards when He said.. "You will think differently when you carry my baby in your belly." I laughed.. and headed back towards the wagon's. Without missing a step... I called back... "I get pretty frisky when Im pregnant." And I continued on to prep dinner for my family. It was a haughty little tune I sang on the way back.. a swing in my step... that certain air of confidance in me. I would have to make sure that we had pleanty of raw meat and chocolate around. That is... if my cravings would be the same. Who knew? The only thing I was sure of was that... Ash wanted a baby.

And damn it was going to be fun trying.

Page 515 ~ Time Out

I woke up with a headache. Rolling over.. I felt and heard the crunch of something soft beneath me. It was almost dark... a fading soft light washed over me... and that's when my eyes finally focused. Sitting up quickly.. like you do when you wake in an unfamilar place... I found myself out in the tall grasses of the plains. I had no idea how I got here.. or why for that matter. I did a quick check of limbs.. all worked... no bleeding.. So.. I hadnt fallen. I ran my fingers through my hair.. pressing my skull.. checking my scalp. Nothing. No bumps.. no sore spots.. no cuts. Hmmmm. Baffled.. I got up and did a full circle to get my bearings. The light of campfires dotting the Harigga gave me direction.. and I headed back. I tried to search my thoughts.. for what reason I would be out on the plains and... sleeping? But the last thing I remembered was a small tiff Ash and I had before retiring to our wagon. Skies... It wasnt that big of a deal. I wondered then... had He dragged me out here and left me? Nahhhh... couldnt be. It wasnt.. that bad. It was just a simple disagreement. I gave a firm nod... for sure.. I thought.. I had been walking in my sleep.

By the time I reached my circle of wagon's.. night had fallen. The usual hustle and bustle of activity played out. My children were cleaning up from dinner.. Aunt was telling the younger one's a story... Jax and Wily were working on lures of fishing... nothing seemed out of place. No one even batted an eye to my return.. so I assumed I had not been gone that long. I stood in the fire light for sometime.. watching.. hoping for a spark of understanding.. and it came in the form of Jax.. welcoming me back. I nodded... not wanting to seem confused or disoriented. "Thanks" I said. Jax nodded and stepped from the wagon to walk over. "How is the Woman?" He asked. I had to backpeddle and give a generic answer without looking like I'd lost my mind... which.. I was beginning to think... I had. "Uhhhh She is fine." Jax nodded.. then narrowed His eyes on me... staring into me and leaned closer. "How is the baby?" He said in a low voice. I answered.. "Ohh.. doing well." He scowled lightly. "Boy? or Girl..." He said even deeper and quiet. "Uhhh boy." I said and nodded.... trying to go with the flow of the conversation. That's when Jax moved closer to my lips and said.. "Liar." I snapped a gaze to Him.. narrowed a mirror image to His. He only shook His head and walked back to take up His work with Wily.

Aunt moved to me with a bowl of stew.. poking me in the side to catch my attention. I gave Her a smile and took the food... heading to sit near the fire. I ate a few spoonfulls... but I wasnt hungry. I figured doing such would take the eyes off me.. but I caught Jax now and then.. watching me. Thankfully.. Vee and Ess came over.. each taking a knee to tell me about their vulo hunting. Creeping up through the grasses... gaining a target and working with the bow's that Ash had been teaching them. I gave each a kiss on the cheek and then took to gathering the whole clan up for bed. I knew Ash would be returning soon from the Forge... and I wanted to look half way deceint. Now with each child snuggled into their furs... each with a kiss and hug... I headed to our private wagon to change and make myself pretty. I added some oils to my skin.. trying to cover the smell of dirt and grass.

Curled slightly to the sitting furs in the wagon.. I watched the firebowl. I watched the small flicker of flames with a smile. I couldnt wait for Him to come home.. this much I knew. For whatever reason this oddity happened... it seemed to do me some good. I felt light... lighter than I had in years. I felt strong and I felt revived. I wanted to hear all about His day... while He looked at me with that.. grin. I wanted to feel His arms about me... His fingers in my hair and on my cheek... and I needed to hear those words from His lips. Words of love and understanding. I had such an overwhelming sense of purpose now. A sense that I belonged.. somewhere and to someone.

I had just needed that small time out to regroup and gather myself.

Yeah... that was it.....

wasnt it?

Page 514 ~ I screamed till I could no more

I left the stream with my eyes closed. The tears were flowing as were these dreaded emotions. I.. felt my way back. I didnt need to see.. and I didnt want to see.. didnt want to see the faces that surely were looking at me.. staring.. judging.. critiquing. I wanted to die.. just curl up under a wagon and melt into the dirt. I cursed my new found emotions.. I cursed Ash for working them free.

When I felt familar ground.. my safe zone.. my wagons.. I opened my eyes. Pried them open from swollen lids so I could place the key to the lock of the Nightmare. Jax walked by.. asking what happened? Was I hurt? Did someone hurt me? I answered Him in a sob of air... I tried so desperately to capture in my throat. Able to do nothing more than shake my head.. I entered and closed the door behind me. Jax climbed the steps.. knocking on the door.. "Talk to me... " He said. "Ive had enough talking.. go away.. please Jax.. go away." I said. I knew He stood outside for a few moments more... then I heard Him leave. He would go to the Forge.. He would tell Ash.. I would need to be ready. I had to compose myself.. I had to hide. Not in the physical manner.. but within myself. I was ashamed.. embarassed. I should not have felt what I did. But I do.

There I sat at my mixing table.. head in my hands.. going over what just happened. It started out as a simply relaxing moment at the stream. I had gone to gather up my laundry that was so hastily dropped yesterday. The water looked inviting.. so I took off my boots... rolled up my pants... set my satchel aside and plunked my feet into the stream. It was nice.. calming. I began to grow aware of the sounds. The clicking of the stream.. the folding of leaves in the breeze... the grass bending to the wind. Odd.. I never really paid much attention to this before... until now. This awareness was broken by the carry of words... Womanly words.. well.. a Woman spoke them.. but they were not... Womanly. It was Sev. Cursing up a storm and then some. She was covered in paint.. of all colors. I offered Her some parchment... even a canvas. She looked at me kinda funny. "You seem to have gotten more on yourself." I said. And She nodded.. proceeding to tell me that She was throwing a tantrum.. and this was result. Ah.. I nodded. We began to talk... and in doing so.. I opened up a can of worms I think. Regrettably.. in doing so. I think I caused more harm than good. She told me how Ayg had refussed Her Brideprice from Fonce. My heart skipped a beat. Damn. Now I felt guilty. I could only tell Her... it wasnt that bad. Could be worse... She could have been given away without a care for Her worth.. or value.. like some disease needing to be quarantined... like an old used up cloth tossed to the wind. For yes... that is how I feel. I also told Her... I did not believe in Guardian's making decisions for a couple. That I believed it should be up to the couple.. unless a really bad decision could be seen. If the Man was a louse.. a complete and utter dickhead... and with very bad intentions. I know.. for a fact.. Fonce is no such thing. I know.. they would be good together... Ive seen how they act.. Ive seen life behind His eyes for the first time in a long time. And I felt guilty that I was given this chance at love... and they.. had been denied.

No sooner did this revelation arise.. Fonce arrived. I saw Sev panic.. and the Woman in me knew... She feared Her appearance. I grabbed Her and quickly pulled Her into the water. I scrubbed.. rinsed.. washed... and even primped.. all to Fonce's amusement. I tried to cover the sticky nagging emotions that I swore were more visable on me than Seveya's paint. When we left the water... I did my best to try and get out of there post haste. I was uncomfortable. I was nervous. I inadvertantly slapped my head.. telling that little voice to shut up. It wanted me to talk to Fonce. I had not since I departed in my fight to tell Him my feelings. I had to dive into something.. I had to.. hide. But no amount of hiding would do. Fonce knew. He prodded... He poked that raw tissue that was exposed... what I had all these years.. worked so hard to guard. Again.. I cursed Ash for letting this happen. I shut down... reverted back to shadow dancing. Closed myself off so that the blood didnt start streaming from my eyes and ears. I went.. cold. Fonce said "talk to me.. tell me what one of you wants to say." Pegged... nailed... cruxified. Ow. I was hurting. I was in pain. I dont know why... I just.. wanted out.. I wanted.. away. It was when Fonce said my name... "Silken" that I peeled apart. Ash would have been proud.. though.. I dont think He would have been to happy about what came forth. I told Fonce.. I was sorry. I failed. But... everything I ever said.. had not been a lie. I stepped aside... I let the better man win. And I smiled at Seveya. He thanked me. He wondered that very question for some time... and I saw a bit of relief wash over Him. Me... I was bleeding from the fingertips. He asked me something of why I didnt come to Him.. talk to Him... and I said that I knew I was not good enough. I could not stand up. I backed down. I relented.. and in doing so.. I failed.. and again.. I told Him.. Yet.. I never lied. Ever. Fonce.. bless His soul.. did His best to try and convince me that... me not being good enough was a lie. I knew He tried to comfort me. My feet were bleeding now. Eventually it came down to Him telling me that He hoped I would still come talk to Him. I told Him perhaps someday.. but right now.. It still hurt. Drops of blood ran from my eyes. I gathered a breath.. only to have this loud.. sob catch in my throat. I swallowed it down.. they were staring... they could see the blood trailing down my cheeks.. I knew it. I felt it coming out from every limb.. I felt it behind my eyes... and I began to grow blind from the darkness. I had to get out of there. I wished them well.. I told them they were good together and I extended my utmost wishes for happiness and peace. Then I closed my eyes and walked away. I was safe in the darkness that no one could penetrate.

I made it to the Nightmare.. I collapsed over the table... and I cried. I screamed into the wood of the table and slammed my fists into the top till my voice simply gave up. Vocal cords burned... muscles ached. I sat then.. for Ahn's with my head in my hands. Confused. Angry. Ash made me open up. He made me trust in emotions. I wanted to scream.. I told you so! Cause I hurt... I fucking hurt. I hurt my friends... I tried to help.. and I made them feel worse. Thats when the little voice inside me said.. "You did well. You expressed emotion.. and look.. your still alive" I laughed... alive.... yes.. but Im bleeding profusely. "See?" I said outloud. But when I lowered my hands from my face.... there was no hue of crimson... no thick dried or sticky blood in them. There was only moisture.

And they were tears.

My tears.

Page 513 ~ The Gem in Him

"Peel away the layers of the one you love.. and you'll find the true Gem"

Skies.. it made sense. Ash and I. We are older. We each have this hard protective shell around us. Why didnt I see it? It took that phrase from Tarra.. the one that stuck in my head to make it sink in. It is exactly what Ash has been doing with me these past months. He is doing.... just that. Peeling layer upon layer of tainted skin away to reveal the real... me. So... why can't I do that to Him? Because you idiot.. you dont have to. Ash has already let down His defenses.. He trusts you... and by the Skies damn Him... He knows YOU. UGH!

The hardest layer... for me.. is the one where I hold my heart. For many many years.. well beyond counting.. I can say that I was simply a trophy. Ive written about it before.. Ive even voiced it before. I was taken.. placed upon this shelf for all to gawk and admire... but with one problem. I sat and collected dust. I was just there to be viewed. No one ever bothered to reach in and brush me off and find out what was beneath those layers. No one ever looked beyond the red hair and tits. No one reached past that fire of an aura I exude... perhaps afraid to get burned. No one saw that under the skin was a Woman crying to get out... dying to live.. wanting to be free. That is.... until now.

I am.. the constant. I am the survivor. I am the one that remains. Through all my trials in life and love. I am still here. That counts... doesnt it? Why didnt anyone see that... yes Ive had five Mates... but.. they arent here anymore. I am. That says alot. That says I am undying. That says I can withstand the shit and I'll still be here. I was just waiting for the one that would say... I accept. I'll take on that challenge... and I will outlive your standards.

So with my semi-exposed heart in hand... I went to Forge. I found Ash and Wily there. I told my son to go and eat... I needed to see Ash. He had been cold the night before... angry with the whole Painting hanging thing. And... I saw His side. I should have been a bit more... restrained. I had brought Him a bota of paga. Even walked over and extended it to Him... but He was hesitant in taking it. Lowering it to the side.. I began to walk away. Hard as it was... I could not take His silence towards me. He sent one word my way.. simple.. yet commanding. "Wait" My steps stopped.. but I could not face Him. "Face me" He said and every neuron in my body fired like an explosion. I turned like the guilty party had been caught red handed. I was tingling with absolute.... excitement? Nawwwww it couldnt be. But it was. I stood there.. staring at my boots... "Look at me" He said. Twitch... shiver. And I did. Excuse me... have you seen my Mate??? This wasnt Him... couldnt be Him... but ohhhh hell.. I loved it! Where did you come from??? Yummie. "Silken.. why? Why does it bother you that I am upset with you?" He said. I tried to manuver around the sentance... but I caved.. "Because I know I have displeased you" I said. "Why does knowing youve displeased me.. bother you?" Ash said.. His voice was so deep... I was melting. "Because in displeasing you... I have also failed you." I said. Ash shook His head. "Why?" He said... and then it hit me. "Because I love you and it hurts to fail you." I said softly. My heart thumped. "Say it again" Ash said. "I love you.. and it hurts to fail you." Thump.. thump.. thump.. louder this time. "Just the first part Silken.. say it." He said. thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump.... "I.... love you" I said.. I felt small.. I felt open and vunerable. "Why do you deny yourself this pleasure? Why do you fear it?" Ash said.. and I told Him my fear. I told Him loving only hurt. Loving only left me alone when He would be gone. This made Him mad. I turned to run.. but He would not let me. This.... side of Ash came out that I never dreamed existed. And here... I was falling IN love with it... with Him... with the Gem that was under all the layers that is Ashoak Ley. I saw it.. I actually envisioned this red gem stone.. all the sides.. the facets.. and they shone a bright light. "You.. are Mine. You have been since I returned" He said. My knees went weak... I felt like I tried to stand on water but instead.. I sunk.. deeper into the silt of the sandy bottom of this river. "Turn around and face me. Face what you desire Silken.. face what you fear." Ash said. The suction of my feet to the ground prevented me from turning... I could get my head around... but my feet were cememted in place. " I cannot do it for you... this is something you must do on your own. " He said. Thump thump thump.. over and over.. loudly in my ear.. my chest was vibrating.. my lungs heaved for air. Suddenly.. the suction around my feet gave way.. parting.. and I could move. Slowly at first.. but I was soon turning to face Him. The air around me lightened.. yet I was aware of the heat from the fires. I was aware of every sound.. my body sucked each bit of sensory awareness into it. " I love you " He said. softly. I hung my head and cried. The fire snapped and jolted me forward. I felt it in my bones.. I felt the break of chips.. I felt the sudden burst of heat.. and I ran to Him.. wrapping my arms around His side.... crying into His chest. He spoke more.. from the heart.. and mine just ate it all up.. swelling bigger.. sprung back to life... I could not hear it so loudly anymore.. it blended in with the other sounds around me. I hung on every word He spoke.. waiting for the next tantilizing verb.. noun... pronoun.. adjective. "You are Mine. My Silken.. my life.. my love.. and soon.. the Mother of my children" Errrr... what? My look was priceless. "But Ash.. what about the Sip Root?" I said. "You are to stop taking it" He said with a grin. I hugged Him as tight as I could. He returned it.. taking most of my air in the tightness of the grip. I didnt care. I didnt need air. He was breathing for the both of us.

We walked to our bathing wagon. The steam around the wagon was thick.. inviting. Inside as the door was secured... I stood there looking at Him. Sweaty from work.. barechested... muscles still tense from hard labor. I was but an arm's reach from Him... I wanted to be closer.. I wanted to be against Him.. but He kept this invisable fence between us. Word by commanding word was given... yet it was not as a Man spoke to a slave. There was love behind it.. there was tenderness.. but there was the line of.. this is what I want.. you will do. And I did. Article by article of clothing was removed.. till I stood there unobscured by anything in His view. He welcomed me then.. into His world.. His space... I took care to undress Him slowly and then tended Him as He wished. There was no me.. there was only us now. The moments shared were rapturous... and He guided me shortly after to the bath. He stepped in.. and held a hand out.. inviting me in. I eased into the water and covered Him like a blanket of red hair and slippery flesh. His hands roamed my body like tending to a map. Every curve was followed.. every spot tended to. He was given the key... and He took it. He took from me.. all that I held so safe and secure. It was His now... He would protect it.. He would hold it close to Him so that none would ever hurt me again. I was... I am... His.

Ahn's later... we lay there.. catching out breath... totally spent. The water had sloshed out and doused the fires. We were bathed in the flicker of candlelight and I felt... complete. "Tomorrow.. we start on our family." I lifted from the bath.. and wrapped my hair in a towel. I held one open for Ash to step into. He did so.. but wrapped me in with Him. We left the bathing wagon.. together... as one. We entered our sleeping wagon together.. as one. And we slept together.. as one. The towel to me was symbolic. He would wrap me up and keep me close.. It was ok to give Him my heart.. to give Him me.. for He would not let anything or anyone in to poke at it.

I heard a distant rumble of thunder... and I smiled up to the canvas covering the wagon. I looked beyond that... to the Sky. That wicked fickle bitch and I laughed...

"Not tonight you ballsie Wench. Laugh all you want. You cannot hurt me anymore." I said.

I snuggled tight into Ash.. His arms never let go... and fell asleep.. dreaming.

Dreaming of the Tuchuk children we would raise.

Dreaming of.... life... and love.

My Gem.

Page 512 ~ Don't look Ethel !!!

Oh, yes, they call him the Streak

Look at that, look at that

Fastest thing on two feet

Look at that, look at that

He's just as proud as he can be

Of his anatomy

He goin' give us a peek

Oh, yes, they call him the Streak

Look at that, look at that

He likes to show off his physique

Look at that, look at that

If there's an audience to be found

He'll be streakin' around

Invitin' public critique

(Thank you Ray Stevens for this most memorable song from 1974. And thank you to my Grandfather for playing it for a certain very young... little girl back then. Laughed my ass off then.. laughed it off again today. Love you Gramps.. miss you)

Me and the troop.. AKA my redheaded clan of children made way to the stream to do some laundry. Some laundry? Like six basketfulls! I carried four.. Wily and Talia had one.. and thus began the conga line down the beaten path. Why didnt I have the girl's do the laundry? Simple... just because we have slaves.. doesnt mean my children will not learn how to live.. and will not become dependant toads that cant do anything for themselves. Ive seen too much of that lately. Grown Women and Men that cant do the basic things in life... yeah.. that's a pet peeve. Anyway... The usual banter filled the air... "Stop pushing me" "Dont walk so fast" "Are you touching me?" "Quit touching me!" "Momma? Sonny pulled my hair!" "Momma? Mia walks too slow...." "Momma? Did you see that?" "Momma? Momma? Momma!!!! Are you listening???!!!" Errrrr huh?

I was in my own little world... reliving what Ash and I had spoken about the night before. How something so simple as hanging a painting became such an issue.. still left me baffled.. and also left me in the vulo coop. He was quite peturbed with me... something I havent felt from Him in such a manner ever before... and yes... it bothered me.. deeply.

We were about to round the small bend in the trail when I became aware of steps.. heavier than a 14 year olds.. behind us. But.. before I could turn and peer over my mountain of baskets and clothes.. Vee and Ess stopped. Mia and Sonny banged into them and they stood there.. gawking. My first instinct was danger. A larl perhaps? A loose sleen? So I quickly shifted my load of bundles and swung around to see what the youngin's did. EEeeeeGAD! It wasnt a larl.. It wasnt a sleen.. but it was.. Ayguili and two slaves.. getting their funk on smack dab right there in the open. I knew He saw me.. I knew He saw the whole group.. damn .. it was like a show that no one paid too see!!! I looked for Wily for help. He was laughing.. little bastard. Talia was smiling and.... checking out the Sky. I dropped my baskets and quickly turned the little kids around.. shielding their eyes. Now... mind you... I am not a prude. I am also not dumb to the fact that this happens. But I will be damned if my three year old twin boys and nine year old twins will stand there and get a.. lesson from Ayguili and two slaves. Ok so I was more worried about what was going to come from their mouths. And thus it started with Starr asking.. "Momma? They playing Hide the Ost?" I ordered Wily to get the babes out of here.. Talia helped. Pushing their siblings back up the path. That is when I saw Seveya. My mouth dropped open... I was trying to yell.. "Dont look Sev !!!" but it was too late.. She had already gotten an eyefull. My stampeeding group nearly ran Her over.. thankfully.. She got caught up in the mix and we all took off.. leaving a dust storm behind.

I brought a crying.. complaining group of kids back to the main fire.. sat them down and gave them some juice. Tarra was there to witness. I could see the questions and amusement in Her eyes. I again had Wily and Talia take the youngin's back to the wagon. I would be along shortly to try and explain and answer to any questions that I knew had arisen. Tarra asked what was going on. So.. I informed Her that we had witnessed Ayg banging two slaves at the stream. One I knew was red.. the other.. I did not know and have no desire to find out who she was. Besides.. I think introductions at that point would be lost.. seeing how she was being bounced to Turia and back at that moment.

So... Tarra begins to question me. Did I not know this is common? That we see this everyday.. hear this among the wagons? No shit. Of course I knew this. But I had my Mom hat on.. and I was damned if I would budge on it. I also knew that.. heh.. I was guilty of such a public display... infact most reciently.. but... BUT.. I made sure no one was around.. and certainly.. would not have risked children seeing such. Thats just... common manners and moral's. Something I question in a few these days.

I changed the subject as Sev arrived. She was looking like She needed a harsh brush and some strong astringent to erase the picture on Her eyeballs. Tarra and I began to discuss my newly Mated life. I responded with.. Same ole same ole. It was infact the same. Oh sure.. things were different.. but all in all.. fell into a life I was accustomed too. This isnt bad mind you.. infact.. its good... because I can work back to gaining things I lost. Tarra said "Interesting". Now.. Ive known Tarra a flippin long time.. and I knew that word alone could go either way. So I added.. "Interesting in learning about each other" That was true. I have known Ash since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Ive spent many Ahn's with Him casually... talking and shooting the shit. But we never had developed past that. So... in saying we were learning about each other.. I meant.. How He likes His food... what side He likes to sleep on... Is He a left hang or a right... Does He get up to pee before He dresses?? or does He get ready for the day and then go... things like that. Things that only being Mated to a Man would you come to discover. Tarra said She was glad that I had found happiness... I had waited a long time and had been through some winners to get there. "You aint kiddin'" Was my reply. I told Tarra also that... Wouldnt it be great.. if you could take parts from different people.. and make the perfect Man? She said.. She didnt want a perfect Man. Well.. I agree.. but I mean perfect as in they have certain qualities that were pleasing. She said.. "peel away the layers of someone you love.. and you will discover everything you wish for... you will find the true gem inside." Damn.. why does She have to be right.. all the FUCKING time !!!! Bitch. ::grumble::

I had to leave. I wasnt running away on an escape route. No.. not this time. But I had a wagon full of children with questions. And I didnt really feel up to answering things about what they had seen. I was pissed at Ayg right now and had half a mind to send them all to Him. But then sense said.. "Is that something you REALLY want to do Silken?" Good Skies.. no! He would prpbably give them a real time demonstration or something. Ew. Believe me.. it was nothing to brag about. I just wish I hadnt seen it. There are a few things you need not know or see about certain people. And I did not need to see.. errrr uhmmm that.

I bid Tarra and Sev well.. and headed to the wagon. I heard the children upon my approach. I heard them all laughing. I heard the ringleader Wily... finishing up a story with... "And that is why a Warrior must get some sun on His ass!!! Tan those white shiney moons!!! " The uproar of laughter made me chuckle. Suddenly.. I knew...

Everything was going to be ok.