Now... I am an emotional creature. This is not a secret. I am passionate and will fight tooth and nail if I believe in something. I am soft in the sense.. I have feelings. I am tough though.. at least over the hard shell I keep visable... keeping out anything that might hurt me. It's years of dedication and practice in becoming a bitch.
All my planning went out the smoke hole tonight.
Fuck.
The move prgresses as most any other. No real incidents... not yet. Never turn your back on the Sky... that's when She leaps down.. jabs you in the ribs and whispers.. Tag! Your it!
Whatever possessed me to wear a skirt today... I dont know. I just needed to feel more feminine. I assume it's due to the lack or nonexsistance of a Male figure around to remind me I was one. It is true... at least for me... to slip into the role of a Mother AND a Father... for the sake of my children. I had 8 years of being Dakota and Shanay's dual parenting role. I had a few years of the same for Jerus' children... and now.. history repeats in that Vee and Ess need me to be Mama and Papa as well. It isnt easy to separate at times. You tend to be more rough around the edges.. perhaps actly more manly. It isnt intentional.. I assure you. It just happens. It was... infact.. Jax that recommended I perhaps wear a skirt. I gave Him an are you crazy look... but the more I thought about it... I decided it was an "ok" suggestion.
I had had a very nice conversation the previous night with Tarra. Obsticales and circumstances had kept us apart.. each in their own right... and we reconnected back on a level that had me soaring. It was good to know She had not deserted me. And I think She saw I had not done the same for Her. We fell back into the time where we could talk of things not shared with any other. And in fact.. I had no trouble in speaking of my mind... things that would bring most unpleasant things my way. It felt so good to tell Her... for I know that nothing will do a U turn and come back out past Her lips. A weight was lifted from me that night.. and I believe in turn.. it has made me more confident.
Too confident perhaps?
I ventured to the main gathering of people when the wagon's stopped last night. Mistake? No.. perhaps not. Fonce, Ayguilli, Cana, Ba'atar... even Ogedeii were present. It was good.. nice.. until that arrogant Ayguilli piped up. Now.. Ive dealt with Ba'atar for sometime now. I am used to His arrogant and in my opinion obtuse way of thinking. But tonight.. Ayguilli seemed in rare form. He spoke to me like shit. His points were valid... but gave no more weight to them than stones in a stream. He still judged me for how I was... which.. given we have only been in each other's presense enough times to count on one hand.. I dont know how He came to judge this. He is obviously the type to go on rumors and whispers on the wind. Which.. is perfectly fine for I care nothing of the Man or His opinions. Oggie... on the other hand.. The Sleen Man... liked my skirt... as did Ba'atar. I think Fonce did too...... He almost needed His jaw picked up off the grass. At least that's the reaction I saw. He said it was "wierd". Me? In a skirt was wierd? Not the reaction I hoped for. It kinda made me want to run back and get those soft.. form hugging leathers and wiggle back into them. Now.. The purpose I was going for.. what I wanted to say was.. I am emerging from my past.. I am better now. I am happy and confident. I did not put the skirt on to flaunt anything or advertise I wanted something sexual which.. did seem to be part of the outcome from a few. That was and is hardly the case. Alot of Women wear skirts... I just happened to be one of them that night. But I may not do it again... because I do not want to be seen as a acting like a slut in some people's eyes since they still tag me as such. Fools. Those are the one's that cant see past the books cover. Then again.. maybe I will. Maybe I will wear that vest Dashie gave me... along with my skirt. Of course it will wait till warmer weather is received. Who knows. I do know that I am a Woman... and I am ready to live.
The Men ruined a perfectly good night. I had work to do anyway. Chips to collect under the Moonlight of Sky. I bid the Male, Aygulli a good night. Since He can only refer to me as Woman.. He shall now be Male. And I teased the Sleen Man by calling Him such before I left. A sleen. Heh. Yes.. He is one. Ba'atar was proper and received the same farewell. Fonce called me Silken of the Skirt. Cute. Ugh. Oggie said Night Skirt. That's when the call from the darkness was returned... Sleen! I hollered and disappeared into the night.
Confusion?
Fuck......
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