Page 433 ~ The obvious

Not long after Fonce left... The door opened rather violently.. almost swung off the frame. There was no gentleness to His voice and no greeting.. Only a simple.. What did you do. His voice did not raise even into a questioning tone.. and it was then I knew that again I was being judged for my past regressions. I had no chance of explaining. But I did. I told my side of the story and I spoke that I made a mistake.. that I reverted back to when teasing with a blade was almost akin to foreplay. I understood... now.. to this Tribe.. in this day and age that it was seen differently. Fonce had also said the same. I offered to make ammends and give my appologies to Sef... but that had yet to be answered by the Ubar. In the darkness.. the figure then moved towards me. Even in the onyx shadows I could see that Shi held no expression. He pulled me up to stand and tore the clothing from my body. I had the urge to draw my arms about me.. to shield myself.. to hide from His view.. but I could not move. In that instant.. in one beat of my heart.. He had humilated and shamed me. I was frozen as He looked over my body and said that He saw nothing that would deem me a Male. I wanted this over.. I wanted this done.. I wanted to get away to run.. flee... escape. I could only answer each statement or question and further deepen myself into that pit of shame. He spoke sharply to me with each moment that passed... and when He said that a collar about my neck would make me lose more than freedom.. that I would lose my children... I snapped. I screamed at Him to then stop making me act like a Father AND a Mother... then everything fell apart. Because He did not "see" me.. did that mean that I was not around for my children? Wouldnt that turn the table and make everything that I was expierencing.. the same for Him? Yes. I just didnt want to argue. There was no explaining my side when He was in this justification mode. When I told Him I could not live like this anymore... not seeing Him.. Him not seeing me... that's when the seed was planted in my brain that I could be killed. Killed or collared. Either way.. either punishment was death. I asked that I be allowed to say goodbye to my children. He told me that it could wait. He left me.. standing in a pile of my clothing in this wagon I have come to hate. I hate the smell.. I hate the shape.. I hate the darkness.. the light. The noises it makes. It is... my captor. Survive.. I whispered to myself.. gathering up the remnants of my leathers and setting them aside. I took a wrap and tied it around me till I could get more suitable clothing brought to me. And then I sat.. back in that corner. Yes.. there were many times I wished to die in this muttled life of mine. Many times I danced with the edge of the mists.. and many times I prayed for it to just swallow me whole. But now.... now.. at this moment.. I wanted to Survive. I wanted to live.. free and happy. I am a Woman.. one in need of companionship.. one in need of friendship.. one in need of a shoulder to cry on. Arms to hold me.. Hands to caress me.. fingers to brush that strand of hair from my eyes.. to tuck it back behind an ear. I am a Woman that needs to be listened to.. not talked to. Not danced around and played like an instrument.

There is no doubt.. I am a Woman.

The tears that slide down my cheeks... dripping to the rounded tops of breasts.. down the curves of a feminine stomach.. to the valley of my thighs...

No.. I am definately.. a Woman.

or...

Is it you.. that has forgotten?

Page 432 ~ It's elementary

I grew tired of pacing... I grew tired of the sound of my boots. So.. I sat again. Walk or sit. That is what my excersize consisted of. There was no muscle being worked on lifting bowls.. no grind of mortar and pestle... no workout for my arms at all... no color to my cheeks from the brisk air and rays of the Central Fire in the Sky. Suddenly I felt angry. The events of that which landed me in this predictament on the edge of my brain... the tip of my tongue. There had been only five people there. Three Women.. Two Men. Me.. Fonce.. Sef.. Cana and the Prospect Yamka.. or whatever. Sef seemed to play along.. Fonce grinned.. I laughed. They got the jest.. they knew it was in fun. I also concluded that no Man would go running to Ba'atar.. whining and chirping about the incident... for it would prove them weak and unable to handle a Woman. Therefore.. I was left with two culprits.. Cana and Yamka. Could I rule either out? No. But it did hurt me that I could not rule Cana out. Not long after this insight.. I heard my name being called from outside. It did not register at first.. but I did finally move to the door and was released. I was surprised to see Fonce.. building a fire and motioning me to come and sit. Oh hell yes.. please and thank you ! He bid me to talk to Him.. and I found out that He was the Spex that would... evaluate me. Great. So.. we sat and talked. I aired my thoughts.. my opinions.. and my pointing of the finger. My index.. not the middle one. For awhile the talk continued... but it did not last as long as I previously thought it would. My answers seemed to satisfy Fonce.. and His words to me were encouraging as well as devistating. I had to drag myself back to the darkness of that wagon... the darkness of solitude. I knew what awaited me in there.. and I had much more to chew on and digest. I asked but one simple favor before Fonce left... and I was engulfed into the shadow of confinement. I know He will do it for me. To find my boys.. and to tell them that Momma loves them and not to worry... because I will.. Be back. Given what they have had to live with.... I only hope... they believe Him and understand. This isnt forever. I will....... survive. For me... for my children.. and for the one I will stand beside... the one I will wait for every night.. the one I will miss every morning and day when duty calls. The one I will greet with a smile and arms full of love when returned safely from a day of work . The one I will love utterly and with a passion never before seen. I will. By the Skies above.. I will.

" There are four things.. that you cannot recover:

The stone... after the throw.

The word.. after it's said.

The occasion.. after the loss.

The time.. after it's gone. "

Page 431 ~ Day to night.. night to day

Days pass. Sometimes I wasnt sure just what it was. Dark or light. Sure.. there was light filtering in. But without contact.. your mind play tricks on you and you tend to question even the rational. I ate.. ravenous at times. Afraid they might forget about me and stop bringing it. I even took to storing a few bites from each meal.. just in case. No.. this was not paranoia.. but it was survival. Something I could remember from my past when I was once held captive. I wanted air.. and freedom. I wanted to know where the fuck Shi was and why hadnt He come. He said He would only be a message away.. but even that now seemed to have slipped away. Another thing that had me storing supplies. I didnt know when and If He would ever return now. And if He did.. it could be months. I started talking to myself outloud... just to break the silence. It was normal. One not allowed the return of communication.. one deprived of human contact would only naturally do it to keep from totally losing their mind. Sensory deprivation. Yes. A torturers trick. Usefull.. unforgiving. But I will not let it get to me. When I heard the steps of my morning meal coming to be dropped off. I thought to rush the door. I thought to burst outside.. even if to feel the ground beneath me and draw the air into my lungs. That would satisfy them.. wouldnt it. Yes. I remained in my corner... outwardly resembling that of a frightened animal. But inward.. inside.. I was seething with pent up emotions that needed an outlet. The trips to the trenches.. were hardly a condolance. They were not under my own control.. other than the need to my body to rid itself of normal wastes. I had to ask. I could not go under my own power. I could not just walk out and where I wanted. The worst was the twins had been taken to Shi's wagons. It had been ordered. And now it had been carried out. All of my children were gone. The Ubar made the request that the children would be cared for by their Father's families. Thankfully.. Aunt, Wily, Talia, Starr, Mia and Sonny were already with Jerus' familes well before this.. spared this last bit of indignant recourse. Perhaps this visit was more than sheer coincidence and my agreeance to it was more than a simple acknowledgement that they needed to be elsewhere. My plate was set inside. A basket of bread.. a bota of water. Some meats and cheese. I only moved when the door was closed and brought the items to my corner. Sitting back to eat... and having a rather intense one sided conversation. When I was finished.. I rose and went to the door. I knocked.. I called out that I needed to tend to business. The door was opened and I stepped outside.. a hand to my elbow led me away. I had the increadable desire to bolt. To throw an elbow into the guards ribs and just take off. I would not get far.. my leg still hindered me. But the idea was there. Relief was tended to and on the way back I saw Jax. I tore my arm from the guard and ran as I could to Jax.. grabbing His shoulders.. shaking Him... "Please.. for the love of the Skies... PLEASE.. talk to me !!" I was trembling.. shaking. And I was harshly gathered back up and spun around to be forcefully returned to that wagon. I went limp like a child that did not get their way... I floundered.. spun.. twisted.. all to no avail. He was bigger than me. But I did catch Jax's look.. a pained.. twisted.. trying to control Himself expression that made me stop in my attempts to thwart confinement. I returned to the wagon without further incident. I sat back to my corner.. took my bota... and sighed... "How are the bosk?" "Are the quiva's sharp?" "The axles greased?" Carrying on the conversation with the only Tuchuk that was allowed to speak. Me.

Page 430 ~ Interior Modifications

The silence. How I lothe it. I cant stand it anymore. Even the slow.. tempured whisps of my breathing is beginning to sound like a drum within my ears. I have no way to silence it. I call out.. cry out.. hoping someone will answer. But no words come. No face is seen. Is this their remedy? Is this their plan? How long will they keep me here? Are they trying to push me over the edge... or is it just my imagination and lack of communication and contact with the outside world. My bouts of paranoia are growing more frequent. No one has come to talk to me.. explain to me what I am to do to remedy this situation. I am.. for all intent and purpose... caged. My dreams grow more vivid and more intense. The Dark One spoke to me last night... showing me His hands. For now.. they were empty.. but large. Calloused and the muscles within His palms did not match any I had seen during a conscious state. In the depths of my dreams He further taunted my inner fears. I felt that rush of... well.. His Dominance. It was a blast of inky air against my chest... and when I cowered.. His chest swelled with a pride and a conquoring laugh eminated. I hid.. I tucked myself into a corner and closed my head off to any sight of Him. I covered my ears.. but His voice leaked into my eardrums. They rang.. buzzed.. vibrated with a gritting of my teeth. Still He spoke... whispering words of distaste and eminant demise. My demise. "NOooo!" I screamed.. long and hard. My lungs burned.. my throat felt like harsh sandpaper... and I woke sitting in the corner of this wagon. Tears still fresh down my cheeks. I had to physically slow my breathing for fear of passing out. Cupping my hands over my mouth to aid my quest. It took several Ehn to restore that which was normal. My heart rate took longer. I got up and paced.. unbeknowst to me.. I was stepping in time to the thump of that muscle in my chest. Back and forth.. back and forth. Turning from wall to wall. My limp had improved.. but the bone was still sore. it would take time for such an injury to heal.. but it was healing. Looking to the door.. please... wont you open it? Please.. wont you talk to me. Someone.. anyone. I was answered with only the patter of my steps against the wooden floor. My only companion. My only solice. And it was driving me insane.

Page 429 ~ On with the show

And so.. it was explained to me why I am a captive in a wagon... under guard no less... isolated in solitude. Cool. Yep.. I know why.. and it makes total and complete sense. I have asked for the person that I offened.. hurt their feelings.. disrespected.. and every other gament of the spectrum to be allowed by so I may bid them an apology. Will it be granted?? Who knows. I'll just sit and wait... Supposedly until Shi returns and see's the head honcho.That might be awhile. Am I angry?? Nope. After hearing what I had done wrong and knowing who was there during the incident... everything makes sense. I can fully expect to be persecuted harshly. I wont complain.. I wont whine or throw a tantrum. I wouldnt give them the satisfaction. Though I am disappointed at the embellishement of other's to make sure I got the axe. Live and learn.. add this to the chapter of.. things not to do and who to never trust again.

The quiet isnt bad. The twins are fine.. Im fine. I have time to catch up on reading and receipe's that could be tweeked just right. There's lots of sewing and mending to do... letter's to write.. people to catch up with.

Now it's time to make some dinner for my youngin's. And with all that is bouncing around in my head... I cant help but laugh.

You can remove the cause... but not the symptom.

Skies.. aint that the truth !!!

Page 428 ~ Wish you were here

(OOC Thank you all for your patience while I finally got high speed internet. Yaaahooooo! No more dial up. No more freezing and lagging. It's been a long week with trouble shooting and finishing touches.. but I think I finally got it all worked out and settled!!! Now.. on with the fun!! xoxo)

I received word from Aunt today that She and the children were fine. Having a good time.. Wish you were here.. yadda, yadda, yadda. It brought a smile to my face. Me and This one and That one were enjoying the quiet time.. it was odd to just have the two boys with me. I still felt my attention pulling in other directions.. waiting for a child to come running with a scrape.. a cut.. a story of how someone picked on them. This one and That one are growing so quickly.. I was able to just sit and devote my time to them. Watching their attempts at first steps.. seeing the flop back to those lil tushies. Not since Dakota and Shanay.. have I been able to fully relax and watch nature take it progress on the growth of youngin's.

While the boys napped... I caught up on my gossip through the networking of people... checked on a few patients that needed some stitches removed and then sat at the fires with some paperwork. I didnt really pay much attention when Jax arrived. Engrossed in my parchments... treatments and such. It was when His hand touched my shoulder to get my attention that I looked up. Something about His expression caused my stomach to flop. Shooting up... I grabbed Him and asked... "Is it one of the children? Is it Aunt?" "No.. get some things for you and the boys... You have to come with me." He said. I lifted a firey brow but He gave me no room or time to question. Ushered to the wagon to gather up things I needed... which included the twins. Jax took all the satchels and with the sleeping boys in my arms.. I was led away.

We wove the rows of wagon's till one of them was pointed out to me. I looked to Jax and the Men around it. I leaned up to Jax and asked... "What did I do?" He just shook His head and tipped His chin to the steps. A bit unnerved and terribly confused.. I walked up and into the wagon. Jax brought the satchel's inside and then turned to leave. "Wait! Where are you going? Why am I here!" I spoke up. He turned slightly and whispered... "It's ok Silken. Just relax. Everything is fine." And with that He left. Fine.. fine? My foot everything is fine. I got the twins settled and then headed for the door. Met with a guard outside that told me I was confined to this wagon. This... got me angry. I had done nothing.. so what was this all about? I could only huff my annoyance and return to the furs to sit and wonder just what the hell was going on.

Rubbing the backs of my sleeping warrior's... I told them not to worry. That this was an adventure.. much like their older siblings were on.

Im glad they did not hear the tapping of my foot against the wagon floor.

But I did.

It grew louder and more irate.. the long I sat in confinement.

Now what?

Page 427 ~ And thy water shall bathe me

It was the turning point of the season. (Happy New Year Everyone) I waited at my fires for Ahn's.. alone. I seem to say that alot. When the moon's rose to the 20th Ahn... I was visited by Aunt. She leaned to kiss my cheek.. whispering words of encouragement and love. I told Her I was trying my best to hold on. When She sat with a small sigh... I knew She was up to something. Asked Her flat out.. I did. "What?!" She then proceeded to tell me that She would like to take the children to the back wagon's. Jerus had family there and so did She. I thought this over with little emotion on my part. Frankly I thought it would be good for the kids. I agreed.. perhaps to quickly.. and saw the look on Aunt's face. I had to add that... I thought it was important the children hear of their Father from more than just me. Nahir nodded. But... the twins.. Shi's boys.. would remain here. I did not have permission to let them go. Again.. Aunt nodded. Neither one of us saw things differently... yes they had different Father's but it was a fact we did not bring up to segregate them with. Fact remained... the twins were Shi's blood and I had no right to remove them... even if He wasnt around. I also told Her that She would need to get each child's permission to go with Her. Nahir smiled that small smile and nodded.. then told me that She already had. Wily.. Talia.. Starr.. even Mia and Sonny.. had all agreed.. rather eagerly to go. It was... an adventure in waiting. For a moment.. the Mother in me became angry that my children wanted to leave me. But I soon was reminded that I also needed time to find myself again. Aunt had a way of slipping those tid-bits of information to me that didnt hurt as bad than when someone else might say it.

So we would have a big dinner .. and in the morning... they would venture off. I made everyone's favorite's to eat. Using the meat Fonce brought the other day... fresh meat always tasted so good. I thought about Him alot over dinner. How.. everything He is going through and has been through... He still had time to think of me. He always did... that is what I respected Him for. Our talks at the fire were not only comforting but also informative.. and I was glad He was back.. happy He found His way home to His people and those that love Him.

With dinner over.. I kissed each child and told them I would rise with the Central Fire to see them off. Excitement spanned the area and they all ran off to make sure they had their things packed. Aunt offered to help me clean up... I shook my head and told Her to rest... She would have Her hands full starting tomorrow. Again She kissed my cheek and then headed off to sleep.

I cleaned up the plates and stored the leftover food. Now in need of a washing myself... I headed to the stream. It was late.. dark...and chilly. I would wash my hair there... instead of the warm baths.. something about the cold water that made my hair shine and feel so soft.. I could withstand the air just to do it. Stipping to the waist.. I unbraided that long.. thick rope of fire and then knelt over the rushing water and began to clean my hair. As I was almost done.. I felt the prickle of flesh rise to my back. I sat up sharply and looked around. I could see or hear no one.. but I could feel eyes on me. Grabbing a cloth.. I covered my hair.. and well.. my hands covered the rest of me. I shot up and out of there quickly. Be it Man or beast that gawked.. I would not stay to find out. Rushing up the wagon steps and diving into my furs.. I lay there for awhile just deep in thought. I would have to get some sleep.. ok.. more like rest. I needed to be up to see my children and Nahir off. The rest of the night dragged painfully slow.. but also.. morning came too quickly.

I was starting to regret letting my small Tribe go.

yet... I knew....

I had to.