Page 458 ~ Enter the blackness

I was stupid. Stupid to think I was moving forward without a catch. My hook came in the form of my dreams. Perhaps it was seeing Kam again after such a long absence.. perhaps it stirred up memories that I had supressed. Perhaps it made me realize just how lonely I really am. Now.. Shi always said.. How can you.. of all people be lonely with your own little tribe around you. He meant my children. But.. there is something lost in the company of family that does not replace the company of one you love. I love my friends.. I love my family.. my people.. etc. I miss loving. I wont step back and shake my head and say I do. Who in their right mind actually would? Not me. Ok well.. I might put up that front and boskshit my way around it. It's called selective avoidance. If I dont dwell on it.. maybe other's wont. Anyway... I got sidetrailed. My dream...

In it.. I was being called by one of my past. One that not only hurt me.. but tore my world right out from under me with His lies and deceit. He began to treat me and speak to me like nothing happened.. like He had not done anything wrong. I felt myself falling for His manipulations all over again. I was going to give into His wiles and forgive. But then I heard another voice... and another. A male and then a female. And only after waking and running from my wagon do I know who it was. The male I know was wishfull thinking on the part of my psyche. The female.. was Tarra. She had come to me.. I think on my own part. I dont think She would invade my dreams anymore as we spoke of. But Her words hung true and gave me strenght to ward off this night vision of whispers. I stood up to the Man in my dream and gave Him hell. I turned my back and walked away. His final words were... You'll be back... and the dream faded like a heavy blanket had been torn from me. I had to get out of that wagon... I needed air and sounds of the bosk in my ears. I was shaking and scaired. But I felt a swell of pride that I had resisted and walked away. Again.. it was my life and I reclaimed it.

I am not a painter. But I grabbed a brush from my wagon and a small jar of red paint. This night I visited all my friends that are considered family. Trustworthy and loved so deeply by me. On the sides of their wagons.. in a small spot that would not destroy the paintings on their own canvas'... I placed a small brush-stroked red feather. Fonce and Tarra got alittle more detail to their's. The feather was held in the talon's of a great winged beast.

I returned to my wagon's just as it was time to move the line again. Sliding into the saddle of the Red... I still couldnt shake the feeling I had. I would need to talk to someone. Two someone's.. and I needed to do it soon.

Skies... I hate the trail.

Page 457 ~ Emotional longitute

Now... I am an emotional creature. This is not a secret. I am passionate and will fight tooth and nail if I believe in something. I am soft in the sense.. I have feelings. I am tough though.. at least over the hard shell I keep visable... keeping out anything that might hurt me. It's years of dedication and practice in becoming a bitch.

All my planning went out the smoke hole tonight.

Fuck.

The move prgresses as most any other. No real incidents... not yet. Never turn your back on the Sky... that's when She leaps down.. jabs you in the ribs and whispers.. Tag! Your it!

Whatever possessed me to wear a skirt today... I dont know. I just needed to feel more feminine. I assume it's due to the lack or nonexsistance of a Male figure around to remind me I was one. It is true... at least for me... to slip into the role of a Mother AND a Father... for the sake of my children. I had 8 years of being Dakota and Shanay's dual parenting role. I had a few years of the same for Jerus' children... and now.. history repeats in that Vee and Ess need me to be Mama and Papa as well. It isnt easy to separate at times. You tend to be more rough around the edges.. perhaps actly more manly. It isnt intentional.. I assure you. It just happens. It was... infact.. Jax that recommended I perhaps wear a skirt. I gave Him an are you crazy look... but the more I thought about it... I decided it was an "ok" suggestion.

I had had a very nice conversation the previous night with Tarra. Obsticales and circumstances had kept us apart.. each in their own right... and we reconnected back on a level that had me soaring. It was good to know She had not deserted me. And I think She saw I had not done the same for Her. We fell back into the time where we could talk of things not shared with any other. And in fact.. I had no trouble in speaking of my mind... things that would bring most unpleasant things my way. It felt so good to tell Her... for I know that nothing will do a U turn and come back out past Her lips. A weight was lifted from me that night.. and I believe in turn.. it has made me more confident.

Too confident perhaps?

I ventured to the main gathering of people when the wagon's stopped last night. Mistake? No.. perhaps not. Fonce, Ayguilli, Cana, Ba'atar... even Ogedeii were present. It was good.. nice.. until that arrogant Ayguilli piped up. Now.. Ive dealt with Ba'atar for sometime now. I am used to His arrogant and in my opinion obtuse way of thinking. But tonight.. Ayguilli seemed in rare form. He spoke to me like shit. His points were valid... but gave no more weight to them than stones in a stream. He still judged me for how I was... which.. given we have only been in each other's presense enough times to count on one hand.. I dont know how He came to judge this. He is obviously the type to go on rumors and whispers on the wind. Which.. is perfectly fine for I care nothing of the Man or His opinions. Oggie... on the other hand.. The Sleen Man... liked my skirt... as did Ba'atar. I think Fonce did too...... He almost needed His jaw picked up off the grass. At least that's the reaction I saw. He said it was "wierd". Me? In a skirt was wierd? Not the reaction I hoped for. It kinda made me want to run back and get those soft.. form hugging leathers and wiggle back into them. Now.. The purpose I was going for.. what I wanted to say was.. I am emerging from my past.. I am better now. I am happy and confident. I did not put the skirt on to flaunt anything or advertise I wanted something sexual which.. did seem to be part of the outcome from a few. That was and is hardly the case. Alot of Women wear skirts... I just happened to be one of them that night. But I may not do it again... because I do not want to be seen as a acting like a slut in some people's eyes since they still tag me as such. Fools. Those are the one's that cant see past the books cover. Then again.. maybe I will. Maybe I will wear that vest Dashie gave me... along with my skirt. Of course it will wait till warmer weather is received. Who knows. I do know that I am a Woman... and I am ready to live.

The Men ruined a perfectly good night. I had work to do anyway. Chips to collect under the Moonlight of Sky. I bid the Male, Aygulli a good night. Since He can only refer to me as Woman.. He shall now be Male. And I teased the Sleen Man by calling Him such before I left. A sleen. Heh. Yes.. He is one. Ba'atar was proper and received the same farewell. Fonce called me Silken of the Skirt. Cute. Ugh. Oggie said Night Skirt. That's when the call from the darkness was returned... Sleen! I hollered and disappeared into the night.

Confusion?

Fuck......

Page 456 ~ Ready or not

The stir of restlessness had grown to a point where I couldnt sleep.. eat.. or concentrate. There was still an endless amount of work to be done and no longer anytime to do it. Fonce had seen to the wagon wheel's and stocking the food for the trip. The most important things were in place... the rest would have to be done during the trip. I caught a glance of Fonce before daybreak and passed a quick thank you... for I knew it would be long till I saw Him again. Vee and Ess were excited... this being the first move they could remember.. and as wagons were pulled from their respective spots... the one's they had bogged into for this season.. a variety of small creatures ran for cover. This left the boys scampering and chasing a few of them as they scuttled along the disturbed grounds. I had a few empty jars that served a purpose for containment for a few of the detainee's. Unfortunately... after about an Ahn... the boys had collected way too many. Twenty jars.. full.. to be exact. When I asked the reason for capturing the whole North plains supply.. they inquired that they were scaired the movement of bosk.. people and rolling wagons might crush or kill all the critters. This.. took me aback. Good thinking.. I thought. I explained it as it was life.. survival of the fittest.. which.. still did not set well with my twins. So... I came up with another idea. Dispurse a jar to each person along the trail. They boys smiled and nodded. Gifts.. they both chimmed in. I said to make sure that Tarra, Cana and Nette got one. They eagerly agreed... and headed off to find the elusive Spex First.

I am rather happy to leave the Wintering grounds. This place holds too much for me... and I feel my ability to move forward is being hindered here. The death of two mates and the seperation of one.. still fresh in my mind. I need to get on with life... and I need new air and new surrounds to do so. I need the warmth of air.. the freedom of taking off on a ride without the bundle of jackets... the desire to sit on the platform at night without looking like a Kur.. huddled into furs. Flowers.. warm water... warm grasses... the feel of the earth beneath bare feet.

I was still tying things down.. packing and preparing when the call came to move the wagon's. Fonce's men had taken up the reins for the teams and with or without me.. they were going to move. And did. I followed on the back of the Red kaiila.. still nit picking on things here and there. Vee and Ess rode with Jax... He let them rein the team.. taking turns. I knew towards the end of the trail.. the boys would be driving their own wagon. This pleased me... and I hoped that Shi would be able to ride by and see His son's... but I held no promise and kept this silent as my own secret.

Happy trails Tuchuk... look out Northern Grounds...

we roll.

Page 455 ~ Spring waters

Not that it is possible to tell... but to me... I sense the coming of the season by the water. Call it crazy... but it even smell's different. It's fresh.. crisp and moves faster. Like it has a purpose... to nourish the grass... the flowers and the beasts that rely on its life. The stream has always been my favorite place... to relax .. to think... to work. I never minded doing the laundry for just this reason. Today was no different. I had Vee and Ess' tunics to clean.. this led me happily to my favorite spot where washing began. The small garments were scrubbed.. twisted.. snapped loose then hung to drying reeds. I couldnt help the song that slipped forth.. smiling.. living. I wasnt there long... alone at least in my plight... and greeted with one of my favorite voices had me pause in my duty and turn. I hadnt been able to find Fonce these past few hands... His work.. and mine kept our paths from crossing. But in just those few moments of smiles and greetings... I realized just how much I missed Him. I told Him how sorry I was for His loss.. and offered my help should there be anything I could do. In His usual way of averting direction from Himself... He said that it was He who should be asking me if I needed anything. In truth... I had a million things to do to ready for the move. I did not hide this from Him... though I did shorten the list to a few things. He gladly accepted responsibility... at least made it seem that way to me. I more think it a task... and I still do not like to be considered a burden or one in need of help. But I would not fight it... not this time. I had been off helping other's tend to things and really let my own priorities go. Jax had seen to the wagon contents being tied down. I still had to pick the bosk teams from the herds.. ready the tack... the wagon's needed wheel work and the canvas' needed fixing. It was overwhelming. I was so thankful to have His assistance.

The repair list turned direction to talking of other things. The diversion from the move was nice. The discussion at hand now was an ease to my mind. Fonce always laid things out and picked them apart with such care that they made sense... like the answer was right there. I always say... "How did I miss that?" It was always right there in front of me... He just makes it seen so much easier for my mind. I would take His advice to heart and mind. Only hoping that sometime... I might return the favor to Him. I still want to get to know Him... it's just not easy. This is something I need to expand on in my efforts.

I had more work to return to... as did He. And we left each other's company with chuckles and smiles. It always felt good to smile. That... tension had returned though. Not a bad one... but.. a good one. One that made the flesh tingle and the mind race. I held a wicked grin the rest of the day. Even after the laundry had dried and been folded. I baked Him some bread... packed up some jerky and delivered them to His wagon's. Finding one of His slaves... I gave her a string of beads and instructions as to how to present the small token's of my thanks. she would be allowed to keep the beads if her Owner deemed her worthy of them. Although I did not know her name... I knew she would take the responsibility of presenting my items in the way I had instructed.

I sat near my fires... preparing dinner. Damn... smiling. How is that just possible? I felt my forehead... and I smiled more. Yup... I had a fever.....

Spring fever.

Page 454 ~ How soon was not soon enough

Nothing has brought me comfort as much as having Vee and Ess with me these past hands. It ease's the heartache that I feel in missing my other children. To my surprise.. Dakota returned last night. It was late and a very excited Jax entered my wagon to rouse me from a light sleep. I didnt have to dress other than to throw on a thick fur and wrap it around me... stepping out onto the platform. His smile was as bright as the Central fire on a cloudless day. He'd grown so much... inside and out. Physically I saw it immediatly and did the Motherly scan of Him before I ran down the steps and over to Him. Kota pulled me into an embrace that told me how much He missed me and for a moment with His size and body type... I felt His Father, Steel around me. How proud He would be... I thought to myself and I smiled up to my oldest son. He wrapped an arm around me.. much as His Father used to.. escorting me to our fires where we sat and talked. He told me of all the children and how they were growing very irrated with being away. It was as if someone had snapped a blanket off their heads and the mood changed. They were thankful to have spent time with Aunt and Jerus' family at the back wagons... but now they wanted to be home. Dakota had readied everything and the kids began the trip back to the first wagons. Kota told me how He would return to the small caravan in the morning and bring the train of three wagons back to their rightfull place. It was only fitting that for the move South all of my personal clan be as one. I nearly shot up from my seat when I heard about the move. I'd forgotten... only in the mental sense of it. My body told me it was time.. I was aching for warm air and breezes that made you close your eyes.. tilt you head back and take in the scents of fresh flower tinted air. Dakota took my wrist and led me back to sit.. pulled into His shoulder and a warm embrace. He bid me not to worry. He had His men... I'd also forgotton He was a commander of His own Or. Flip and Flop would be back... and Enu and Raz would also return. I nodded and then He dropped a question that had me all achy inside... "Would Shi be around to help" I could only shrug and tell Him that.. I had not seen hide nor hair of Him since the parting of ways. I knew He was beyond busy... and I was hardly a focus of His concern or attention.. as it should be. But I had Vee and Ess. Another thought that made me smile. Kota nodded and said not to worry... we would somehow get all the wagons ready.. the bosk and so forth.. that we would be fine. I doubted Him of course... if only slightly.

We spoke well into the night and past the break of day. Vee and Ess woke to cooking bosk strips and eggs. It had been long since they saw Kota but were none shy at the sight of their oldest brother. Both ran to Him and He gathered them up to be tossed into the air. I watched as He ruffled their hair and sat with them to be served breakfast. It was a sight beyond words. Slowly my life.. my family was returning.. and soon the sounds of my campsite would be once more filled with the laughter of my kids. Jax rose from a good nights sleep... and we all sat around the fire.. eating.. talking.. laughing and joking. Dakota asked if He could take His brother's out to meet the rest of the wagons... and two sets of eyes looked to me with hope. I of course nodded and smiled. "Yes.. bring them all home my Son's!... We will now ready to move South... how wonderful that will be." I sent them off with food and water.. standing beside Jax as I was waving.

"Soon, Jax... Soon. My life returns"

But not soon enough for me.

Page 453 ~ Within the grass

The twins had bathed and we all readied to head off to the spot for Garyx pyre. We stood back from the other's for two reasons. One... I had to get back to a Woman in labor that was ready to give birth any moment. And Two... I did not want to further aggravate Tarra. In the past hands... we have not spoken for more than a simple greeting. I knew that She was upset over something.. and frankly.. I didnt want to get into an discussion over whatever it was. When I had been confined to one of Ba'atar's wagons way back when... I had the hope She might come. I had the hope many might. But She knew of the struggle I held with Shi and what He was doing. I was wrong about alot of things. Once.. I had made an attempt to go and see Her after news of Garyx passing... but was met with Ulric and the words She wasnt seeing anyone right now. Understandable. So the boys and I.. said our wishes for Garyx journey quietly among the grass and then I had to leave. (Got called into work)

Jax kept the twins to stay for the full event. I returned to Erin's wagon. The Woman was young and Mated to an older.. more hardened Warrior. She struggled with the birth but Shanay assisted beautifully. Erin is a tiny thing.. and the birth of a rather large boy gave Her difficulty in the shoulder area. It took both of us to manuver the small boy from Erin.. but eventually His cries were heard clear. It was close to the 20th Ahn when everyone could finally rest and we all could return back to our wagons. Jax and the boys were already there and I readied them for bed. They were full of questions that I insisted would have to wait until morning. I was tired myself. There was much work to be done tomorrow. It never stopped. But... that is how life on the Plains would have it.

Page 452 ~ Selfish Importance

I found myself and the boys near the stream these past few hands.. comforting and happy. They learn to fish.. they ask of stories.. tales of the Tuchuk. friends.. family. Its been another step forward for me.. to focus not on myself but everything other than. My work.. as little as it is.. keeps me far busier than before. My eyes have opened more than ever. It is a new awareness of things around me... and people. People that have disappointed me in their own selfish ways. Perhaps that's how I acted.. for I feel the disgust in being around certain one's right now. One thing I never did was act fake or save face. If I didnt like you.. you knew it. Part of the reason's I was always in trouble. That's ok too. I know now there are rules and laws for certain people that dont pertain to other's.

I have yet to catch up with Cana and the boys and baby girl's. Ive stopped by several times.. trying to nab them.. but either one or several were missing. In the upcoming days I will sit and take one at a time as I run across them... compile my notes and assessments and then seek out Ba'atar. Everyone is busy with the move and now with Garyx's pyre. The sounding of the drums told me of His loss. I do not worry about Tarra... She is strong. I know the heartache She feels... losing a soul Mate. I only hope peace and comfort for Her.. that She may find Her way back from this with ease. I did go to Her to see Her... but was told She wasnt seeing anyone. I nodded and left reluctantly.

The only person Ive found to seek me out is Nette. She is a welcome breath of light when She comes to visit. Our griping and venting makes us laugh. She is the only one I can call friend. I wish for Her too... that She find the peace of life and hope.

My trail towards Fonce also has ended at an impass. There came no response to what I had said. This too is fine. He is a busy Man with many things on His mind. I can hardly expect Him to see past whatever it is He deal's with to notice me standing there. It was foolish of me to think I could help... but that is a part of me that I dont believe will ever change. I dont think I want it to change... because if I stopped caring... I would be dead.

So... now what? What does the new future have in store for this old vulo? I cannot say. I cannot even begin to guess... and I dont really want to know. I know I live.. I know I love.. and I know its still good to be Tuchuk. That is one thing that people cannot strip from me. You can cut the flesh and bleed... and I will still be Tuchuk. You can break my bones and reduce them to cinders.. I will still be Tuchuk. You can step on me.. or around me.. speak sharply and/or with jaded whispers behind my back... I will still be Tuchuk.

And by the Skies... I will still be here.

I will....