Page 543 ~ Day in... Day out

I must admit.. even for me.. having nothing "new" to do is becomming a thorn in my side. When I say nothing to do.. I mean nothing to stimulate new senses. Every Tuchuk Man.. Woman and child has things to do. Tending.. herding.. working.. the usual stuff. But there is nothing new to speak of. There is no one to speak to. Though.. I did see Fonce.. and that had a few neurons firing up and someone to speak to other than myself or the children... it is still the same thing day in and day out. Im so.... well... bored ! I do not get to talk to Ash since He comes in after I am asleep and is out before I wake.. Im starting to take this personally and think He doesnt like me. *chuckle*. Or.. that is His way of dealing with me... by selective and precise timing on His part. Avoidance is golden I suppose.
I did find myself with a visitor the past night. Good ole Shi. We had the chance.. and the time to sit and talk. I was hoping for a good Kur hug upon His return home... I guess I expected it... but it did not come. He infact kept His distance.. which was good for the both of us I suppose. I will continue to keep my distance from Him.. other than to tell Him about His son's... or any of their needs. But nothing more than that. It is imperitive that I stay as far from Him as possible. I do not want Him hurt by me which I seem to do at every turn. Its not on purpose.. but I just find myself acting like a goof whenever He is around.
Snow has given way to rain.. another sign that the move will once again be upon us. I can say that I am happy to see this. I love the warmer air and the summering lands. I love the flowers and the green grass. I hope that people will soon venture out of their winter wagon's and return to the fires where we can enjoy the company and sounds of other's. I cant wait to shed the cold clothing and furs wraps. I cant wait till the kids can be sent outside to play on a moments notice.. without bundling them up like small bosk. Its times like these that I look around a wagon.. crammed with children and wonder... what the SKIES am I doing here!!!??? I have many wagons.. yet this small tribe of my blood all want to congregate in one.... MINE !! This one fighting with that one.. this one poking that one.. this one taking that one's item... This one pulled that one's hair.... UGH!! I need time away ! I am losing myself in a sea of little red heads.
Please warm weather hurry up... I need a long soak in a gentle stream....
... alone.

Page 542 ~ Under the watchfull eye

Sitting by the stream.. enjoying the quiet of late.. I really didnt pay much attention to anything around me. I heard the water.. I felt the stabbing chill of air as it crept under the layers of fur draped over me. I am numb. I think its the isolation. There has been no contact with anyone of the Harigga in a long time. Perhaps this unbearable cold winter keeps them all inside... within the safety of their wagons... but not me. I cant stand being cooped up. So.. sitting by the stream has become a time of reflection for me. And... a reflection up and slapped me in the face tonight. It came in the form of Shi. Why? I dont know. He always had this uncanny way of knowing when I was thinking about Him.. or perhaps.. needing Him. But in any case.. He showed up. Just.. checking on me. So.. I lied... or tried to. But He saw right through it. The conversation was neither joyous or enlightning. I felt like I had nothing to say to Him. I know He felt it too. Yet.. I have to keep my distance from Him. I cannot hurt Him anymore... Ive done that enough in the past. I failed Him... and I failed me. Just seeing Him standing there as He looked at me... made it hurt all over again. He will always be my oldest and dearest friend.. and I will always love Him.. perhaps more than I should. He is the Father of some of my children and He will forever hold a piece of my heart... but... well enough said. Im growing tired of things... and increasingly aggitated. Its time.. for a ride..................

Page 541 ~ Watching from a distance

Days keep passing. Days turn into weeks... weeks into months... months into years. I find little time.. or perhaps interest in writing anymore. The only thing I can concentrate on is the children. If not for them... I'd have left this life long ago. Them and well Ash. It is hard.. not seeing much of Him other than when He sleeps. His warmth beside me night after night.. His firm yet gentle grip kept on an arm or leg... or even the light resting of a hand to my back or hip... allows me a few moments rest in the dark cold of night. If I am lucky to gain an Ahn of sleep when He is beside me... I know I jolt awake the moment the chill hits me when He leaves in the early morning Ahn's. Even beneath the cover of many furs... I am cold without Him. The only thing that remains is a feeling of the outline of His hand where it rested.. or the touch of His lips against mine as He kissed me goodbye for the day. He works too hard... much too hard in my opinion... but then again.. I am bias and wish more of His time to be spent with me. For this.. I cannot tell Him what it is that bothers me... because I know of His unbending will for Tribe above all. Sometimes... I tell myself it is Tribe above me... for that is truth. That is essentially what it is. As hard as it is... I am not the most important thing in His life. Or... so I had thought.
As fate would have it... tonight I was working on some medical journal's and tending to the dinner. I was fully engulfed in work.. keeping myself busy to ward off any ill idea's that would land me in hot water. I hadnt noticed Him arrive.. or the fact that for many Ehn's.. my Mate stood beside a wagon and watched me. Only after something I said to our youngest Son was repeated by Ash.. was I awakened to His presense. It is true.. part of me wanted to run to Him and squeeze the stuffing out of Him... yet.. that bitchy attitude brazen Wench part wanted to give Him a hard time and give back some of the hurt I was feeling. I wasnt nasty or mean.. just.. coy and cocky. Ash just laughed. This further infuriated me and I stood up with a wall between us. Damn Him. He cuts through me like a sword into hot butter. He needs no tools to get past that wall and into my space. He needs nothing more than His voice and that look He gives me. I had to break free of His gaze and get His dinner. I had to regroup and replan my attack or surely.. I would fall to His hand. So.. after getting His meal and drink I sat to a step beneath the one He took. Subjected to listening to Him.. I started to break. I had been a selfish bitch. I never thought of things the way He put them to me.. I didnt know.. or perhaps.. didnt care to remember.. just how much this Man loves me. In telling me.. Tribe above all... He said how He worked hard among the people day in and day out.. to make sure that things went well.. so that "His Silken" would be safe and protected within the circles. Skies... I felt like shit. I was guilty... guilty of being a heartless bitch who only thought about Herself. Yet.. He did not judge me or scold me for my emotions or reactions to such circumstances. Instead.. He embraced them and even apologized. *gulp* My heart sank deeper. I in turn apologized for acting how I did... and He smiled. If ever I was connected to someone.. it was Him. In the past I had only thought I was entwined in this life to a Mate.. I was lying to myself. I think I was well aquainted to the other's but on a different level. This time... it is for real. It goes deeper than I ever imagined could be. It is simple.. yet so complex. It is love and hate.. anger and contentment. Everything that could be expressed on an opposite spectrum of emotion ... and we bond tighter than a wet leather knot. How do I explain this to Him... to anyone?? I cannot. I can only be there when He needs warming at night.. I can make sure He is fed.. I can make sure I am there for Him when He needs me... and I can make sure that He knows.. I love Him. And.. I do.
Ive grown up and out in a totally different direction now. I am.. refined. Ohhhh I still have those rough and touch edges given the chance.. but I know I have someone to buff the sharp corners and mold me back into shape. I can wake up now every morning and be proud that I am His Mate. I can hold my head high and let other know that Im ok.
I may still faulter.. I may still slip into that dark abyss at times and wallow in self pity... but I have someone to reach a hand in and pull me out... brush off the dust and set me back on my feet. I love you Ash.
Its more than just red hair that brightens the day....
Its an inner light...
and yes...
you can see it now...
from a distance.

Page 540 ~ Timeless torment

I had packed this old journal away many moons ago. There was little time to sit and reflect on things as they happened. Much had changed... some has not. The people still thrive.. still work and play.. yet.. we have grown distant to those that once shared the warmth and fun of the first fires. The move came and went... more of habit than on orders. The Ubar has not been seen.. at least by me. I have not seen Tarra or Kam.. Fonce, Sev... or anyone for that matter. I wondered for the longest time if I had sleptwalked into another place.. another time or perhaps the outer wagons and just didnt know it. Everything around me is familar.. my wagons, my children and Ash... but those that filled it with the love of family and friendship.. seem to have all but disappeared.
I found the move to be.... lonely. With most gone... it is He that has taken up alot of the work and duties among the first fires. While I would never complain.. at least to Him for I know what He does ... He does out of love for the people.. I cannot deny how it makes me feel. Its not an abandonment type feeling.. but I do feel second to other things. Still... I press on. As I have always done... just a constant familar redheaded becon for those that may return to a familar spot.
The children grow strong and well. Each coming into their clan.. and into their own skin. They still hover over me at times when Im down... or just plain ole feeling sorry for myself. Ash's son, Bull talks up a storm when He is given the chance. I love to sit and listen to His tales and just smile at how much He reminds me of His Papa. He knows I miss His Father very much by the way I just hug and cuddle Him. Though now.. He squirms from me and claims that He is "jus too big ta be baby'in" With them all off on their own adventures of growth.. I am left with much time on my hands to wallow. If Ash were here... He'd be damned to let me sink like this. So... I do my best to keep my head above that abyss that always threatens to swallow me whole.
Tonight.. I think about the choices I made. Were they the right ones? Is this how its supposed to be? Ive asked this before.. Ive gotten advice... but...
this time...
there is no one around to talk to.

Page 539 ~ How can I believe.....

.... if it feels like a dream

But it wasnt. I knew when I felt the hair on my arms and neck stand that it was real. My look of surprise and the fanning of my vest from the pulse of heartbeat must have told Him I didnt believe. It was His voice in my ear that sent my world tipping to the side and had I not grabbed onto Him.. surely.. I would have fallen over. Had I missed Him.. was the question. And I had no way to show Him with words or actions.. it is too great a feeling.. a great vast emotion that I cannot fathom to explain.

Quickly.. I took the baby for His nap at my Mate's urging of needing to "be with me" Thankfully.. Bull was tired and didnt fuss. When I returned to Him to bask in the glory of His shadow.. standing before Him... I had released my hair to feather about my body. I know His love of my hair and I so love the feeling of His strong hands milking into the strands... to be pulled so my neck arches back.. exposing a cherished collum of throat. His kisses do more than excite me.. traveling the lenght of my neck.. to my shoulders and lower to more erotic places. As He speaks.. words meant to excite me.. as well as confuse me and make me think... I can barely breath. He knows this.. and it amuses Him. He enjoys how I become clay in His hands... to be molded and conform... and I love the position He places me in. For in those moments.. alone as a couple.. I am His. I love Him so. How do I tell you... I wonder and think hard. But my song would have to wait because I am being led into the wagon. The firebowl is lit.. casting a dance of flame throughout the area. I am bathed in the color of fire.. I am heated by not only the heat but the love within my Mate's gaze.

Gone are the moments I cursed Him for working so hard. I can only wait with baited anticipation for His touch. It comes in the form of words that though spoken with love are forcefull and demanding. I have no choice but to do as He wishes.. and I have no other wish than to please Him at this moment. How do I tell you that I love you this much?? Thinking.. as my clothing is removed. A split tick of time.. just a quick flash.. I am shy and timid.. standing before Him in a blanket of only my red hair. His voice then deep.. dark... intimidating.. bring me before Him. I can only look away. I dont deserve this.. I dont deserve Him. How? Please tell me how I can let you know... that I need you this much ! My silent wish answered by His kiss. A deep.. longing passionate kiss that makes my legs faulter. I held onto His arms... a leg lifted to brush the outside of His thigh... and now we float like a leaf on a gentle breeze to the softness of furs beneath us. As I looked up at Him while the moments again ticked away.. He teases me till I plead for Him to take me. It is not just sex... it is not just the culmination of the moment that I crave. It is Him. His essence. His soul.. mine.. joined. Lovers entwined and shared in something that cannot be given name. It is simply... together.

Time went on forever... and when we lay still wrapped around each other.. just a mass of arms.. legs... hair and torso's... I tried to think.. How do I tell you what you mean to me?? I thought hard.. I wrestled with emotions I cursed for boiling up in me. My indepth insight was broken by His words... so gently spoken.. so easily understood. "I love you Silken" He said.. stroking my back and grazing lenghts of my hair in His fingers.

And then I knew. I had the answer. I knew how I could tell Him. I knew what I could say that would let this Man know He was my world. He was my air. He was what I needed all along.

"I love you Ash"

It said..... everything.

Page 538 ~ And so I waited

and waited... and waited. Somehow I drew the strenght to not throw a fit while I sat and watched for Ash to return. For days... my routine was the same. Wake up.. find Ash gone already to the Forge.. take care of the kids... work.. then sit on the steps till I fell asleep "waiting" some more. Finally.. I could not take it anymore. I headed to the Forge.. and there in the door... I paused to watch my Mate hammering the steel that had been supplied to Him. Several times I saw His forearm rise to brush over His forehead and wipe beads of sweat from His flesh. I saw the flex of muscle and the strenght it took for Him to wield the hammers and tools. I saw concentration... determination.. and pride in His work. Everything I had been feeling.. the anger.. fustration... left me in a blink of my eyes and to fill that void was inserted guilt. Guilt that I had been feeling so selfish in my plight to spend time with Him that I'd forgotten that other's counted on Him.

For awhile I watched in the shadow of night near the doorway. A smile that had been surpressed for sometime now did creep onto my lips. I felt somewhere in my chest.. perhaps in that heart of mine that although He was elsewhere.. He was with me. Thinking of me in the dark recesses of His own mind... and for that moment I was comforted. Before He could see me... I turned and left. I did not want to bother or disturb Him.. or sidetrack His concentration with my presense. My steps were slow as I headed back to the gathering of wagons and sat on the steps for alittle while.. all the time.. the picture of my Ash working so hard kept flashing through my visions.

Guilt

It was eating me up.

I wanted to run to Him... to tell Him I was sorry for everything I had been thinking. I wanted to appologize for wanting to yell and scream at Him for neglecting me. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and thrash myself for ever thinking of swatting Him upside the head for ignoring me. I did none of these things. Instead.. I headed to the stream to wash up. If my Mate was to return to our furs to rest and sleep.. I would make sure that His Woman was dirt free... hair smelling pretty and the rest of me as wonderful as He makes me feel. I knew I would be long past asleep in our furs when He returned. And lately He did not wake me. Instead He simply pulled me against Him and held me like precious cargo. Tightly yet lovingly. Even in my sleep I sigh as He does so... finally feeling that security in His grasp. Nothing would ever harm me with Him there. Nothing could penetrate the barrier of protection and love He gives me. Though He is exhausted.. He still finds the moments to brush my hair from my face and kiss me.

In the morning.. I can still feel the warmth of His embrace around me. I can only hope to one day wake with the real thing wrapped around me. But for now.. I will have to find the strenght and comfort in just knowing He was there... and He cared.

How ever long that takes...

I will wait.

Page 537 ~ Moody blues

I havent felt much like writing these days. Who has the time? The kids and I are readily busy preparing for the move... and with a seven month old crawling about.. tugging on everything and getting into whatever else He can find. Bull is a good baby. Tempered like His Father.. which Im lucky. Calm.. yet assertive. My attitude hasnt reared it's ugly head in Him much.... yet. But... I also find myself rather blue. I dont know why.. though.. I have an idea. There is a reason Ash has not requested I take the sip root. He wants more children. Cant say that I blame Him. They are simply.. awesome. We may not have time for much socializing and chatting these days... yet.. we always find time.. in the quiet of our furs to remind each other of the love shared between us. I try to stay awake until He returns to the wagon each night... but mostly I am asleep. That doesnt mean I dont wake up when He climbs into the furs beside me... or.. He wakes me up with kisses and caresses.

Im almost positive Im pregnant again. At my age... young as I am... it's hard to tell. A Woman's cycle can go off kilter after having a child... and due to other factors. So... Im waiting... just a bit longer to see for sure. I could be two moons along already. I do have a small bump... but that could be left over from Bull. Its just hard to tell. Bull is now drinking regular milk... and eating mushed up foods. I dont have to nurse Him anymore. So I believe within the next few weeks... I will be certain.

Then there is that glow that a Woman has when She is with child. Mine is alot brighter.. since my hair just seems to shine like a raging inferno of flame when Im pregnant. I think Im down... because I know I may well be heavy with child when the move is upon us. It is hard enough to make it into the cold season and do this journey being healthy and all. Pretty sure that is why I am keeping to myself. I dont handle "worry" all that well.... but I think its about time Ash does some of it for me. I might just have to tell Him soon... if He hasnt begun to notice the changes already. I dont want Him worrying about me... I dont want His mind drifting anymore than does now while He is at the Forge. I dont want Him worrying about me on the trail. Well.. maybe just alittle. He's so cute when He does. And the smile He gets... when His hand lays over my swollen stomach.. just makes me all... warm inside. Yeah... those are good things. Things to hold onto. Things to make me smile. And I cant wait to see His smile when He finally realizes... He's gonna be a Papa again.

Im not so blue anymore.