Page 541 ~ Watching from a distance

Days keep passing. Days turn into weeks... weeks into months... months into years. I find little time.. or perhaps interest in writing anymore. The only thing I can concentrate on is the children. If not for them... I'd have left this life long ago. Them and well Ash. It is hard.. not seeing much of Him other than when He sleeps. His warmth beside me night after night.. His firm yet gentle grip kept on an arm or leg... or even the light resting of a hand to my back or hip... allows me a few moments rest in the dark cold of night. If I am lucky to gain an Ahn of sleep when He is beside me... I know I jolt awake the moment the chill hits me when He leaves in the early morning Ahn's. Even beneath the cover of many furs... I am cold without Him. The only thing that remains is a feeling of the outline of His hand where it rested.. or the touch of His lips against mine as He kissed me goodbye for the day. He works too hard... much too hard in my opinion... but then again.. I am bias and wish more of His time to be spent with me. For this.. I cannot tell Him what it is that bothers me... because I know of His unbending will for Tribe above all. Sometimes... I tell myself it is Tribe above me... for that is truth. That is essentially what it is. As hard as it is... I am not the most important thing in His life. Or... so I had thought.
As fate would have it... tonight I was working on some medical journal's and tending to the dinner. I was fully engulfed in work.. keeping myself busy to ward off any ill idea's that would land me in hot water. I hadnt noticed Him arrive.. or the fact that for many Ehn's.. my Mate stood beside a wagon and watched me. Only after something I said to our youngest Son was repeated by Ash.. was I awakened to His presense. It is true.. part of me wanted to run to Him and squeeze the stuffing out of Him... yet.. that bitchy attitude brazen Wench part wanted to give Him a hard time and give back some of the hurt I was feeling. I wasnt nasty or mean.. just.. coy and cocky. Ash just laughed. This further infuriated me and I stood up with a wall between us. Damn Him. He cuts through me like a sword into hot butter. He needs no tools to get past that wall and into my space. He needs nothing more than His voice and that look He gives me. I had to break free of His gaze and get His dinner. I had to regroup and replan my attack or surely.. I would fall to His hand. So.. after getting His meal and drink I sat to a step beneath the one He took. Subjected to listening to Him.. I started to break. I had been a selfish bitch. I never thought of things the way He put them to me.. I didnt know.. or perhaps.. didnt care to remember.. just how much this Man loves me. In telling me.. Tribe above all... He said how He worked hard among the people day in and day out.. to make sure that things went well.. so that "His Silken" would be safe and protected within the circles. Skies... I felt like shit. I was guilty... guilty of being a heartless bitch who only thought about Herself. Yet.. He did not judge me or scold me for my emotions or reactions to such circumstances. Instead.. He embraced them and even apologized. *gulp* My heart sank deeper. I in turn apologized for acting how I did... and He smiled. If ever I was connected to someone.. it was Him. In the past I had only thought I was entwined in this life to a Mate.. I was lying to myself. I think I was well aquainted to the other's but on a different level. This time... it is for real. It goes deeper than I ever imagined could be. It is simple.. yet so complex. It is love and hate.. anger and contentment. Everything that could be expressed on an opposite spectrum of emotion ... and we bond tighter than a wet leather knot. How do I explain this to Him... to anyone?? I cannot. I can only be there when He needs warming at night.. I can make sure He is fed.. I can make sure I am there for Him when He needs me... and I can make sure that He knows.. I love Him. And.. I do.
Ive grown up and out in a totally different direction now. I am.. refined. Ohhhh I still have those rough and touch edges given the chance.. but I know I have someone to buff the sharp corners and mold me back into shape. I can wake up now every morning and be proud that I am His Mate. I can hold my head high and let other know that Im ok.
I may still faulter.. I may still slip into that dark abyss at times and wallow in self pity... but I have someone to reach a hand in and pull me out... brush off the dust and set me back on my feet. I love you Ash.
Its more than just red hair that brightens the day....
Its an inner light...
and yes...
you can see it now...
from a distance.

Page 540 ~ Timeless torment

I had packed this old journal away many moons ago. There was little time to sit and reflect on things as they happened. Much had changed... some has not. The people still thrive.. still work and play.. yet.. we have grown distant to those that once shared the warmth and fun of the first fires. The move came and went... more of habit than on orders. The Ubar has not been seen.. at least by me. I have not seen Tarra or Kam.. Fonce, Sev... or anyone for that matter. I wondered for the longest time if I had sleptwalked into another place.. another time or perhaps the outer wagons and just didnt know it. Everything around me is familar.. my wagons, my children and Ash... but those that filled it with the love of family and friendship.. seem to have all but disappeared.
I found the move to be.... lonely. With most gone... it is He that has taken up alot of the work and duties among the first fires. While I would never complain.. at least to Him for I know what He does ... He does out of love for the people.. I cannot deny how it makes me feel. Its not an abandonment type feeling.. but I do feel second to other things. Still... I press on. As I have always done... just a constant familar redheaded becon for those that may return to a familar spot.
The children grow strong and well. Each coming into their clan.. and into their own skin. They still hover over me at times when Im down... or just plain ole feeling sorry for myself. Ash's son, Bull talks up a storm when He is given the chance. I love to sit and listen to His tales and just smile at how much He reminds me of His Papa. He knows I miss His Father very much by the way I just hug and cuddle Him. Though now.. He squirms from me and claims that He is "jus too big ta be baby'in" With them all off on their own adventures of growth.. I am left with much time on my hands to wallow. If Ash were here... He'd be damned to let me sink like this. So... I do my best to keep my head above that abyss that always threatens to swallow me whole.
Tonight.. I think about the choices I made. Were they the right ones? Is this how its supposed to be? Ive asked this before.. Ive gotten advice... but...
this time...
there is no one around to talk to.

Page 539 ~ How can I believe.....

.... if it feels like a dream

But it wasnt. I knew when I felt the hair on my arms and neck stand that it was real. My look of surprise and the fanning of my vest from the pulse of heartbeat must have told Him I didnt believe. It was His voice in my ear that sent my world tipping to the side and had I not grabbed onto Him.. surely.. I would have fallen over. Had I missed Him.. was the question. And I had no way to show Him with words or actions.. it is too great a feeling.. a great vast emotion that I cannot fathom to explain.

Quickly.. I took the baby for His nap at my Mate's urging of needing to "be with me" Thankfully.. Bull was tired and didnt fuss. When I returned to Him to bask in the glory of His shadow.. standing before Him... I had released my hair to feather about my body. I know His love of my hair and I so love the feeling of His strong hands milking into the strands... to be pulled so my neck arches back.. exposing a cherished collum of throat. His kisses do more than excite me.. traveling the lenght of my neck.. to my shoulders and lower to more erotic places. As He speaks.. words meant to excite me.. as well as confuse me and make me think... I can barely breath. He knows this.. and it amuses Him. He enjoys how I become clay in His hands... to be molded and conform... and I love the position He places me in. For in those moments.. alone as a couple.. I am His. I love Him so. How do I tell you... I wonder and think hard. But my song would have to wait because I am being led into the wagon. The firebowl is lit.. casting a dance of flame throughout the area. I am bathed in the color of fire.. I am heated by not only the heat but the love within my Mate's gaze.

Gone are the moments I cursed Him for working so hard. I can only wait with baited anticipation for His touch. It comes in the form of words that though spoken with love are forcefull and demanding. I have no choice but to do as He wishes.. and I have no other wish than to please Him at this moment. How do I tell you that I love you this much?? Thinking.. as my clothing is removed. A split tick of time.. just a quick flash.. I am shy and timid.. standing before Him in a blanket of only my red hair. His voice then deep.. dark... intimidating.. bring me before Him. I can only look away. I dont deserve this.. I dont deserve Him. How? Please tell me how I can let you know... that I need you this much ! My silent wish answered by His kiss. A deep.. longing passionate kiss that makes my legs faulter. I held onto His arms... a leg lifted to brush the outside of His thigh... and now we float like a leaf on a gentle breeze to the softness of furs beneath us. As I looked up at Him while the moments again ticked away.. He teases me till I plead for Him to take me. It is not just sex... it is not just the culmination of the moment that I crave. It is Him. His essence. His soul.. mine.. joined. Lovers entwined and shared in something that cannot be given name. It is simply... together.

Time went on forever... and when we lay still wrapped around each other.. just a mass of arms.. legs... hair and torso's... I tried to think.. How do I tell you what you mean to me?? I thought hard.. I wrestled with emotions I cursed for boiling up in me. My indepth insight was broken by His words... so gently spoken.. so easily understood. "I love you Silken" He said.. stroking my back and grazing lenghts of my hair in His fingers.

And then I knew. I had the answer. I knew how I could tell Him. I knew what I could say that would let this Man know He was my world. He was my air. He was what I needed all along.

"I love you Ash"

It said..... everything.

Page 538 ~ And so I waited

and waited... and waited. Somehow I drew the strenght to not throw a fit while I sat and watched for Ash to return. For days... my routine was the same. Wake up.. find Ash gone already to the Forge.. take care of the kids... work.. then sit on the steps till I fell asleep "waiting" some more. Finally.. I could not take it anymore. I headed to the Forge.. and there in the door... I paused to watch my Mate hammering the steel that had been supplied to Him. Several times I saw His forearm rise to brush over His forehead and wipe beads of sweat from His flesh. I saw the flex of muscle and the strenght it took for Him to wield the hammers and tools. I saw concentration... determination.. and pride in His work. Everything I had been feeling.. the anger.. fustration... left me in a blink of my eyes and to fill that void was inserted guilt. Guilt that I had been feeling so selfish in my plight to spend time with Him that I'd forgotten that other's counted on Him.

For awhile I watched in the shadow of night near the doorway. A smile that had been surpressed for sometime now did creep onto my lips. I felt somewhere in my chest.. perhaps in that heart of mine that although He was elsewhere.. He was with me. Thinking of me in the dark recesses of His own mind... and for that moment I was comforted. Before He could see me... I turned and left. I did not want to bother or disturb Him.. or sidetrack His concentration with my presense. My steps were slow as I headed back to the gathering of wagons and sat on the steps for alittle while.. all the time.. the picture of my Ash working so hard kept flashing through my visions.

Guilt

It was eating me up.

I wanted to run to Him... to tell Him I was sorry for everything I had been thinking. I wanted to appologize for wanting to yell and scream at Him for neglecting me. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and thrash myself for ever thinking of swatting Him upside the head for ignoring me. I did none of these things. Instead.. I headed to the stream to wash up. If my Mate was to return to our furs to rest and sleep.. I would make sure that His Woman was dirt free... hair smelling pretty and the rest of me as wonderful as He makes me feel. I knew I would be long past asleep in our furs when He returned. And lately He did not wake me. Instead He simply pulled me against Him and held me like precious cargo. Tightly yet lovingly. Even in my sleep I sigh as He does so... finally feeling that security in His grasp. Nothing would ever harm me with Him there. Nothing could penetrate the barrier of protection and love He gives me. Though He is exhausted.. He still finds the moments to brush my hair from my face and kiss me.

In the morning.. I can still feel the warmth of His embrace around me. I can only hope to one day wake with the real thing wrapped around me. But for now.. I will have to find the strenght and comfort in just knowing He was there... and He cared.

How ever long that takes...

I will wait.

Page 537 ~ Moody blues

I havent felt much like writing these days. Who has the time? The kids and I are readily busy preparing for the move... and with a seven month old crawling about.. tugging on everything and getting into whatever else He can find. Bull is a good baby. Tempered like His Father.. which Im lucky. Calm.. yet assertive. My attitude hasnt reared it's ugly head in Him much.... yet. But... I also find myself rather blue. I dont know why.. though.. I have an idea. There is a reason Ash has not requested I take the sip root. He wants more children. Cant say that I blame Him. They are simply.. awesome. We may not have time for much socializing and chatting these days... yet.. we always find time.. in the quiet of our furs to remind each other of the love shared between us. I try to stay awake until He returns to the wagon each night... but mostly I am asleep. That doesnt mean I dont wake up when He climbs into the furs beside me... or.. He wakes me up with kisses and caresses.

Im almost positive Im pregnant again. At my age... young as I am... it's hard to tell. A Woman's cycle can go off kilter after having a child... and due to other factors. So... Im waiting... just a bit longer to see for sure. I could be two moons along already. I do have a small bump... but that could be left over from Bull. Its just hard to tell. Bull is now drinking regular milk... and eating mushed up foods. I dont have to nurse Him anymore. So I believe within the next few weeks... I will be certain.

Then there is that glow that a Woman has when She is with child. Mine is alot brighter.. since my hair just seems to shine like a raging inferno of flame when Im pregnant. I think Im down... because I know I may well be heavy with child when the move is upon us. It is hard enough to make it into the cold season and do this journey being healthy and all. Pretty sure that is why I am keeping to myself. I dont handle "worry" all that well.... but I think its about time Ash does some of it for me. I might just have to tell Him soon... if He hasnt begun to notice the changes already. I dont want Him worrying about me... I dont want His mind drifting anymore than does now while He is at the Forge. I dont want Him worrying about me on the trail. Well.. maybe just alittle. He's so cute when He does. And the smile He gets... when His hand lays over my swollen stomach.. just makes me all... warm inside. Yeah... those are good things. Things to hold onto. Things to make me smile. And I cant wait to see His smile when He finally realizes... He's gonna be a Papa again.

Im not so blue anymore.

Page 536 ~ Swift and "usual"? punishment?

Justice? Could be. My own absentminded transgression cost me my day in court. I never expected Ash to leave the Forge early today. I wasnt trying to hide from Him... if that be the case... I would have locked myself in the wagon.. away from prying eyes. But.. I didnt. I finished up a days work.. tired.. tense.. and still mulling over things in my head. Not a good combination to begin with. I wanted a drink... something more flavorful than water.. nothing as sweet as juice. There was always that wine... ick. Wine.. personally I think that a drink for dwellers. Ladies in slippers and robes with their pinky fingers propped up.. sipping from ornate goblets. I cant get into it.. in any way shape or form. This.. left me with two choices. Milk? or.. paga. Milk somehow turned my stomach at the thought. I'd been drinking so much lately... and making trip after trip to get fresh for Bull. I dont know why... but I dug out my trusty old silver cup. The dented and banged up cup that Ive always used until Ash came along. I found a bota of paga .. fresh from the barrel's.. hanging on a peg. Skies help me... I faultered and poured a small cupfull. That little voice in my head was screaming.. "Danger!! Danger!! Aboutface!" I shoulda listened. But I didnt. reasoned with myself... saying I had tried to find time to speak to Ash... to even ask Him.. or beg if I had to... to allow me just a small cup of the brew. In the end.. I sat on the steps of the wagon and endulged in my small pleasure.

Enter Ash.

See Silken flounder and panic.

My cup was quickly stashed behind me... to my coughing and choking on the mouthfull I'd just taken. I was dead. I knew it. He'd smell it on me. But I tried.. and failed.. in hiding it from Him. Why? I aint stupid... I knew He'd throttle me. Ohhhh I tried backpeddling. Didnt work. I tried smarting off to Him. Big mistake. In the end... I was yanked over His knee and my backside was aired out. This was a one time moment where I cursed those large.. heavy hands of His. They met my flesh in a rain of swats that left me squirming and cringing. I yelped my protest.. I think I might have growled... after the first few I was shivering with the burn. When He finally stopped... I not only felt the heat in my ass... but I saw the handprints born and raised to my punishment. Ouch. He said He wasnt mad.. but the punishment would be swift. Well thank the Skies!! Sarchastic comment there. I thought it was over. Swift.. as He stated. But boy was I wrong. Next came a bota. He held my nose and began pouring. Paga. Of course. Great. I spit what I could out... until He filled and then wedged my mouth closed till I had no choice but to swallow or breathe. My stomach protested the heavy brew immediately. Ash... just... kept.. pouring. Until that bota was empty and I was full. He called Jax over. Said for Him to get me to the wagon where I would stay. Bring buckets. Poor Jax.. soon as I was lifted and I felt the slosh of my stomach.. well... I lost what paga had just topped me off on His leg and into His boot. He groaned. Now that I think back on it.. it makes me laugh. How He squished His way back to the wagon with me under His arm. I was set to the furs.. given a few buckets and left to my own accord. I did wretch twice... ridding myself of the rest of the thick drink. And I was left with a throbbing pain in my head as well as my ass.

Jax sent tanya in to clean up. The girl brought me a wet cloth for my head and asked if I wanted anything. My reply was a sharp no. Just the thought of anything stronger than water made me want to gather up another bucket and insert my head.

I needed sleep. Lying to the furs and thanking the Skies for the cool night breeze that brushed across me. I wouldnt try to see or speak to Ash tonight. I'd search Him out tomorrow for our aftermath talking to.

I had alot of work ahead of me.

Ass-kissing and major sucking up to do.

or is that.. Ash-kissing?

Page 535 ~ Priority Male

Days had passed... and I hadnt seen Ash. I knew the work load placed on Him. The rings for the barrels needed to be finished. The wagon pieces and parts needed to be started. Weapons needed repairs and new one's needed to be made. The list was endless. I wondered just where I fit into that list.. given Ash's undying devotion to Tribe First. I didnt ask Him.. or send a message that hey... Im part of that Tribe... could ya spare a few Ehn for me. No. This time.. for the first time ever in my life.. I stepped back and just let it be. No ranting and raving... no fits... no temper tantrums. I just... accepted. I dont know why. I cant explain it.

It doesnt change what I wish could be... which is time with Him. Maybe I just dont have the energy to put up a fight like I use to. Its not that I dont care either. I do. It still tears at me... to try and find a few moments with Him... because He does make me feel good. Could it be that Ive finally matured past that fly off the handle bitch that would rather bite than bark? Again.. I have no answers. I know the catalyst is Ash. For whatever reason... He has calmed me down. Sometimes worse than kanda ever did. I know that I work hard to please Him and not be a thorn in His side. I know that if I let myself go and swap back to the old Silken... He will be burdened with the warnings and words of other's about my shortcomings. I dont think I could handle having to explain myself for things I am capable of doing. Not with Him. He means... just that much to me. I dont ever want to feel the disappointment from Him.. I dont ever want to see the question in His eyes. I just cant find a happy medium.

So.. with this in mind... I went out in search of my Mate. I had broken my dagger... the old one Ive carried since I was little. Well had since I was little. There was a time when I could not carry it but it was kept in safe keeping for me. The blade was old... dented, bent... nicked up. I really wasnt concerned about that. It is the handle that means more to me than anything. It was decorated by my Father... for me. The symbols are elaborate but only I know what each piece says. But as I used it the night before last... cutting bone from a piece of meat... the blade simply snapped at the hilt.. and was now of no use. I considered retiring it.. but I just could not part with it. This is where Ash would come in play. I was off to the Forge.. arriving to speak with one of the Iron Workers when I could not find Ash. He told me Ash had not been around. I was a bit put out.. and took a seat outside... kinda.. lost in the clouds as to where to go and what to do next. I even considered eating the snack I had brought Him. Moments later.. Ash did arrive.. speaking with another Warrior about a delivery of steel to begin the work on the move North. I thought He would walk right by me... and He did... but paused and looked back. Almost like He couldnt believe it was me there. Finally He did come over and we exchanged our greetings. Not the one I wanted.. would have prefered a sweeping up off my feet and into His arms for a kiss... but I did get a kiss to the forehead eventually. He said He was sorry for being so busy.. to which I told Him.. It is His duty. But what struck me hard was the list He called... Priorities. Lower and higher priorities. I made the mistake of letting that fire loose and telling Him I guess I was a lower priority. He rambled on at first.. and then asked why I felt that way. I did not want to argue with Him... or get into some indepth discussion about my wants and needs. Besides... I could tell His mind was elsewhere... on work... on duty. So I bottled up my need... and handed over my beloved dagger... asking if He could fix it. I had changed the subject... not necessarily on purpose.. but it suited the moment. He turned His attention to my dagger and told me He would do His best to fix it.

I did finally get my kiss... even though it was in parting ways once more.

I would think more on this priority thing... as I walked away. I watched the clouds roll by... I watched the people scuttle about... and as I returned to my wagon to delve into work... I asked myself outloud...

"Does He know He is my priority?"

I am at a loss.