Homework?

:::A small wrapped package sat on her furs with a note from Jerus... It said to use this, write some things down...it was not up for discussion. Maybe it would help keep Her from being such a bitch and from getting so fustrated. For a few days the journal sat untouched, until this day, the day after She was able to talk to Jerus and learn a few things. The leather bound book was opened and She began to write Her first entry.::::

I am one of the lucky one's. I know how to read and write. And since Jerus "ordered" me to do so, I sit here and spill my thoughts on paper. He will probably be the only one to ever see it... and yet, I wish I had this way back when... all those years ago.. sometimes... memories fade.
I've been thinking alot about Hawks and Steel. Watching the twins grow up and wishing their Father could be here. Then I look at Jerus and it makes the pain go away. I can't describe the emotions of having Him at my side... well.. me at His side. I watched Jerus grow up and simply adored His Father, Marsuitus. That day a few months back when the Outriders brought me to Jerus seems so long ago now. He says it was fate and that He will have what is rightfully His, what He has wanted for so very long... I... still dont see it in that perspective. I guess it was just meant to be this way. Im not much older than Jerus, but He is so much more wise... Me being the loose cannon I always was....He, the pillar of reason. Time hardens you... I dont know if that wall will ever come down. Maybe.
Declan left. Disappeared. I miss Him. He helped to pass the time and was fun to pick on. I guess I liked Him more than I was willing to admit. So now, Im under the watchfull gaze of Bo. Funny, I hardly know the Man, but guess it's better that way. No rumors can start this time. That reminds me, I need to kill someone still for that little dibby.
Mahalah.. my.. Step-Daughter/Granddaughter/soon to be Neice...Skies that's a mess to describe, but anyways.. She is finally Free again. And happy with Her new Man. At least I dont have to worry about putting that itching powder in Trajen's furs anymore.
I spoke with Tarra the other night, and well... I think She saw my thoughts. Damn Winds, why can't they shut up long enough to let me be me. It really sucks to be a Spex sometimes. I try not to be... I'd rather just ignore them and leave it up to someone who isnt criminally insane.
I am a brat. I admit it. Im spoiled, have been most my life. Everything I wanted was always given to me...in a collar or not. Manipulation..a large word, with small meaning. Ive seen it done and though sometimes used it, I never did so to invoke pain upon others. What was done to me in the past was cruel, unfair...childish..sad.....but hell... it's made me who and what I am today..should I complain? Right friggen yes sir'ee, I should. Dag-nabbit, Im gonna need a bigger book.
Would Hawks be proud of Me? Steel? I just dont know. They both tried to teach me. Hawks had the worst of it. But He knew He saw something in me.. something worthy of the secrets and trades of that which He held dear. I hate Him for leaving me. I hate them both for the pain they burned into my heart. To promise to love forever and protect... boskdung. Neither came back. That's perhaps the hardest blow to one's ego. Still... damn it, I love them. The values they gave were priceless. Somewhere, buried inside me, I still have that honor Hawks instilled. It's just.. hidden right now. I hate myself for loving Him. I dont think I can ever love that deeply again... so profound, it hurts. I have yet to tell Jerus, but I think He knows. This places a distance in me... from Him...and the other's of the Harigga. Trust is hard to come by. Can I believe Jerus and let Him in the final circle? The twins already love Jerus. His son's have taught Kota so much more than I could ever teach them. It's a man thing. Jerus said when He gets back, He will give Dakota His name. He looks more and more like Steel everyday...except for that ruffled mane of red hair. A subtle movement or action... a look... takes me back 2 Envars ago...watching Steel around the camp. Shanay is finally opening up and not hanging on my leg anymore. Such a beautiful voice on that one. Im glad to hear Her talk. She is the spitting image of me... again, right down to the firey curls. I am so lucky. They have begun calling Jerus... PapaJerus. They never met their blood Father. Steel left for War when I was only 4 months pregnant. I wish just once, He could have held them. Shanay now understands the meaning of the mating to take place between Jerus and I, and though Kota was a bit more reluctant...both feel Jerus to be their Papa now. I keep trying to answer their questions openly and honestly, but sometimes, I just cant. Thankfully... Mahalah has started to tell them stories of their blood Father, Steel.... He would be proud.
Does death erase a bond sworn to uphold?
I think I will start to write things down from the past, before I forget them totally. My latest plans for a new torture device, will have to wait . The hell with Trajen and what I can and cant do, just let Him try and catch me.
I'd never tell anyone, not even Jerus, but.. I miss Him. Even the boldest, most brazen of all Bitches gets scaired.

::closing the journal for now, it did seem to help to have this thing... and now at least She could plan and think of things to write and start filling it up:::