Have you ever wondered, what you'd be doing at this very moment, if you changed the past? I know, we can't change what has happened. I dont think I want to. Everything Ive done up till now has led me right where I want to be. Back on the Plains and claimed as the Woman of Jerus Neill. Somehow.. I always knew that I was to be His. His Father knew it... and for awhile, I did belong to Marsuitus. Not in the sense of how a Master owns a slave, but somehow... I cant describe it. It's like He kept me safe and away from the other's until a time when Jerus and I both knew we had to be together.
Papa came to me in a dream. He told me that everything I had gone through, had been planned. Well, most of it. Some of it was a learning expierence and He was proud at how I handled things. Papa told me all those years ago when I sat before Him as a small child, that He knew, telling me of His desision to leave the Tuchuks to protect me, would make me leave on my own. He knew that I would not let Him abandon His people, but He would have, if I asked Him. Hawksclaw was only the first of many "Guardians" that had been chosen to escort me through my journey in this life. He was there to let me grow in my status as a slave.. to learn and to lead from the collar.. to be the image of what a true Tuchuk slave should be and then to free me to carry on the teachings and expand the minds of others. Papa's dream was that I succeed in whatever I do. Perhaps Hawks and I held on too tightly to a dream that was never meant to be. Perhaps.... that's why it hurt so much to let it go. Steel was meant to care for me during the time away from the Clan. A time to grow in a different direction. To become strong mentally and physically. To learn of my strenghts and weaknesses... and to build from them. But making me cold and callous, to let the fire burn in my heart, to make me evil. I dont think that was part of the plan.. becoming so distant and wicked. That was someone else's idea. To make me undesirable..so that none would ever look upon me again. And I reveled in it. I never wanted to be looked at. Admired... Desired. It felt good to shut the world out where no pain could get in. I think, that's why Im having the hardest time letting goof that. Im afraid of the pain.
Jerus is the key. The one that pulls them all together and shows me how to use each lesson Ive learned. Dont ask me how I know this... it's a feeling. It's the emotions He brings out and instills. A look.. a glance.. that smile.. that evil smile... I just wanna die. Sometimes, I do stupid things.. but.. He makes me do them. I think He wills me to be devious and brazen. I think He like to knock me down those few pegs and be reminded that He is the Male. And though I am free, I am only a step above any common slave that walks the camp. But... I think Im more than just.. one... step. Maybe....
I spoke to jesa on a few things. I feel much better. I like the girl and didnt approve of the rumors that were going around that it was me that hurt her. Hopefully, she understands now. If others dont get it, tough. The other slaves just sit in camp like stone figures, acting all good. When things get to heated and they cant win an argument or get their way. They just leave. Or make snide comments, facial expressions. It's rather amusing. I dont pay them any mind any more. I instead turn my attentions to the slaves that will flourish and bring honor to the Tuchuk collar. One's that are worthy of being called a Tuchuk slave. Not whining, little children that never grew up. Their comments and opinions matter not to me. Why? Im above them. They cant play their games all they want. Wish they knew how the other's looked upon them. I'd be ashamed and embarassed to have people say what they do to their owners. But they dont. They are secure in knowing that their spoiled whining and tricks will get them a slap across the face, a beating.. a punishment... all the attention they crave. Its sad that they cant be happy in just sitting around the fires and learning. Ive figured out that nobodys opinion matters but Jerus'. He says His word ... His laws for me, are all that matter. If people dont like what He has planned for me... too bad. Let them speak to Him. He will push me to the limits to make me what He knows I can be. I may be soft around Him...but it in no way means I am weak. I may backdown and bow to Him... it is a sign of respect. I may fear Him and tremble when He is angry... because I know what He is capable of. He lets me think Ive put one over on Him, until a time that it no longer amuses Him. He may love me, but He would no sooner kill me if I ever dishonored Him or Tribe. He is what a true Tuchuk Man should be. A great Warrior... good at what He does...greater at how He does it. I am proud to be His.
Is Jerus the final step in the saga of my life?
Skies... please... I pray He is.
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