It has been some time since Ive picked up this journal. Perhaps all the hustle of things lately has made it so... I dont think I would have even done so this night except for the fact I stumbled over my hiding spot for it while cleaning.
The newest child in the Silkenhawk, Jerus bloodline was born. Wily as we have nicknamed Him until Jerus gives Him His name, is a strong beautiful boy. He has my firey hair and Jerus' haunting blue eyes. I look at Him and see life on the plains within Him. The fourth son of Jerus... Mars, Blood, Dakota.. and now Wily. Funny how you reflect on your own life with the birth of a child. You wonder if you will be everything He needs... Strong yet loving.. guiding and caring, firm and demanding. Everything Jerus is... nothing I am.
Jerus left the other night. A journey of danger from which He might not return. I cannot bear another night without Him. Another threat on the winds has gripped me in it's embrace. I have sent word to Papa Khili that I wish to return to Him. I know not where He resides now, but hopefully my scouts will be able to track Him from taverns and Paga dens. My adopted Papa Khili means the world to me. I need Him now. My weakness you see, is my past. I need the strenght of the men I hold dear and love. I feel that power just in Jerus. To know that He is only a few steps away, or a hollar by the air... allows me to breath and stand tall...fearless. He is blinded now by His past and His ways. This trip could perhaps let Him search His soul and return Him to that which would bring peace.... if He would only truely allow it. Many times He spoke the words that He was free from His demons... it was a false prophecy. What He wanted to believe and what He needed to believe.. still He was not really ready to accept it. Only then can He return and be Jerus. I have thought of searching for Him... professing my love and faith in Him.... but it is not I that can break past those walls He hides behind. It is He, Himself that must come to terms with what He is and has become. Sometimes we all are deaf to the words of someone we love, taking advantage of their always being there... blind to the one that is forever standing beside them, not behind, not infront, but with.... Dumb to feelings we cause by our own desires and habits... and mute to the words that one may need to hear. When He is ready to see this, He will return. He will know Silkenhawk.
~Without Him.... I am nothing.
"He's got style.... Got no soul,
He's got everything that a Man could want from the world of Gor.
He's got love... all He needs,
If He can grab you by the throat you know He's gonna make you bleed.
He's got a knife... in your back,
And you never know the turn but you know your going off the track.
Steely eyes... cold and blue,
Though you cannot hide away you know He's gonna get to you.
Taking off down the road.. everywhich way will He go.
Hold on... to the night... Hold on.... to the night....
In this crazy land..... there's a stranger on the road."
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