Jerus is off on Toronado.. checking the Wagons as we prepare to bed down for the night. He's had this smile all day and a funny glint in His eyes... which means..
1. He's up to something..
2. He's planning something..
or 3. He's carried it out.
He never ceases to amaze me. At my lowest of lows, He can make it worse, then bring me back up to joy. His way of showing me things is very... odd, to say the least. I personally would go about it other ways, but they say pain makes us stronger. Things I dont want to face, He makes me see. And somehow.. I feel better after He does so. But now that He is gone off from my sight for a few Ahn, Im left with these thoughts... thoughts that would probably be discarded by any other Woman, but not me. I read too deeply into them and given my gifts, see too much to just brush them aside. I still think of the South and everything it holds for me. Memories that are painful to bear await me. I have this vision as I ride, it is as though I see myself from behind. My shoulders and upper back bare. The paints embedded under my skin blaze a picture of the past. If it wasnt for the meaning... I'd love to see it daily. Jerus knows Im marked. I know it. I wear the symbols of those since past about my body. Tattoo'd like some prized animal... 1 of the 5 bother me. I can feel each line and each colored area, though I cannot see it without a mirror. 3 were given to me when I had no choice in the matter. Dove's.. Bloods and Hawks. I know Jerus doesnt mind Dove and Bloods. The "red dove" craddled over my right breast and the horns of bosk with drops of blood, are more of a memorial now. But... I think He is beginning to resent Hawks. Across the back shoulder, a huge imprint of a Hawk in flight.. does it symbolize something? Was it a way for Hawksclaw to hang onto me long past when He was gone? Perhaps that is why it hurts now.. more so than the day He had it placed. 4 Ahn's of lying there while some Man tapped the ink into my skin, brought tears to my eyes then. Now.. it brings tears to remember. My other two.. were placed in the City once I left the Plains to be with Papa Khilintyme. I had one to remember lil and the other to remember Papa Mars. They are small and lay safely around my left ankle. Mars gave me the idea for links of a chain around the ankle for He always held me captive when I was with Him. The other..A small amulet hangs from one of the links with the Gorean letter of "C" for my dear sister, lil. Funny how Jerus never mentioned it, maybe He never saw it. I dont know. Each one is something I rarely discuss with anyone... until today. I had hoped to add Blood, Dove and my 1st son's amulet to the chain, just never knew how to ask Jerus... or if He would allow Hawks and Steel to be included. Trajen too, He deserves a spot there.
I walked Alpha for a time today.. besides Jerus' wagon and checked out the wheel He so ardently desired me to see. He thinks He smart.. scratching my name into the wheel.. "Silkens wheel" like it is some threat for me to behave. I waited until Kota had to take a break and paused the wagon, before I quickly took out my dagger and changed it to "Silkens wonderful" Heh... let's see how long it takes for Him to notice.
Kota... sheshshhhh the boy is growing. Ive been alerted to my son wishing to speak to me about things... and frankly, Im not ready to answer His questions. I know the Boy feels the growing interest in the people and going back to the land where He was born has spawned many questions about the past. Ive avoided Him as best I could, hoping Jerus would tell Him when and where our little meeting would take place. Shanay being His twin, will be there also no doubt. It will be hard for me to face them with the truth. I wish them to have no regrets as to my past and their blood Father and our choices. But I fear Dakota's anger, He is, after all a full blooded Tuchuk and some things are frowned upon. Shanay... I fear will be ashamed. A Mother's natural instincts are to protect their children from harm and embarassment... but this could destroy them, or make them stronger. Jerus is my guide.. even if I dont agree with Him, I will accept His judgement on the talk. It is true I want to share stories of the past about me, the childrendont know much being that Im afraid to speak of it. They cling to Jerus' every word when He tells them of my younger years. Skies... I wish this was easy... but if it was, then.. I wouldnt be that boskheaded, stubborn.. red head that Jerus loves. Claim amnesia?? Bah... He would see through that in an ihn. What to do.. what to do...
1. Alter or erase certain tattoo's
2. Figure out a way to tell Dakota and Shanay who I was
3. Talk to Bo
4. Come to terms with how my children see me
5. Be proud of who and what I was
6. Be proud of what I am
7. Make Jerus Proud
8. Make Jerus smile more
9. Make Jerus fall in love with me all over again
10. Get more padding for saddle.. my arse hurts
11. Make ropes and chains disappear from Jerus' wagon
12. Fall in love with Jerus all over again
13. Love Jerus for the rest of my life
14. Love Jerus for the rest of my life
15. Love Jerus for the rest of my life
16. Love Jerus for the rest of my life
17. Love Jerus for the rest of my life
18. ... well, You know.
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