I havent written much in this since the final word was put out that we would be moving to the North for the Winter. The hustle and bustle of people gathering supplies, readying the wagons and herds.. are new, yet so familar to me. I will be making this trip, once again, as I have done so..more times than I can count. Yet this time, I do so, with a new Tribe and a new mate. I have prepared His wagons, securing everything that needed to be tied. I started on mine, but really havent much to do... never had time to unpack them since coming home. This will be the twins first move.. Im excited for them... though the trip is trying and some will die on route... my children... no, Our children, Jerus and mine, will learn and flourish greatly.
Jerus has given our son His name.... Dakota Neill... and His sister, Shanay Neill. I hold a new found respect for Jerus. Somehow, He has managed to turn me around and see new things, I never thought were possible. He knows me, better than I know myself. And He has changed, He is stronger... He is.. meaner... He is Tuchuk.
Tarra and I have grown considerably close.. so I see it. The only sister I ever loved, died several En-Vars ago... but I feel the same with Tarra. We talk.. we tease.. and we fight, like sisters. Infact, that is part of our troubles right now. We have angered both Shi and Jerus with our ways. Both of our noses black and blue... my jaw.. Her backside... They just dont understand.. sometimes, we need to vent. Each of us is capable of killing the other, me with my training and Tarra with Her expierences... but never would we harm each other that bad. For now, we must be good... at least till the move is done and after both our joinings.
I also met Tarra's father... and have grown fond of Him. I miss Mars greatly, He always had advise for me and a loving smile. Kamchak is very similar to Mars. I feel I can trust Him, He seems to want to help. Except for the little problem tonight. Tarra and I didnt listen to Him the other night, during one of our scuffles. So tonight, punishment was to be dished out. His whip retrieved and Tarra was to get it. For reasons well known to me that will not be relived in this journal, I had a momentary break down. It was either rush Kam and stop Him from hurting Tarra.... or run and mind my own business. I ran.. I kept hearing Jerus' voice.. to maintain honor, and behave. Normally, I would have said something... I would even have hit Kam... but I couldnt. This, disturbed me. Have I changed so much all in a matter of one night? Suddenly I am thinking of consequences? Me? Silkenhawk.... Silkenhawk Neill? That sounds funny, I dont think Ive ever taken the name of a mate... but it also... sounds right. Wont say it to Jerus... not yet.. and only if He gives it to me. I would be honored.
The spirits are restless. So many call to me now, I feel I cannot keep up with them. The trip to the mountain was supposed to heal this. But it seems worse. The pressure building, the constant calling and words of warning. There is word of an evil one. One that searches for me. To harm me and try and destroy Jerus. Jerus told me about it today, confirming the whispers on the winds. Im not scaired. Ive always embraced death. I will fight, and do what is necessary to protect myself and my family. I will have some of the Escorts Jerus assigned me, given to the twins. It is them I am concerned for.
Jerus and I had a lenghty discussion today. I found myself slipping away with His words. Calming, loving... embraces of words, His words. His revelations. His desires and hopes. They were all mine too. We want the same in life. And I know now that nothing can ever tear us apart. Nothing ! Noone! The past will never be relived. I even want to go as far as changing my name. Silken... dates back to a time when I was... different. It was the name.. given me by my... first owner. Bloodhawk. Though He called me littlehawk, mostly.. Silkenhawk was the name recorded on my papers. Years went by, being Silk.. Silks.. Silken... depending on the mood, and amount of Paga consumed, the name stuck. Even upon my Freeing, I was allow to keep the name. And then, I wanted it. But Im different now... Im not that same person. The name is infamous.. and old as the times. But perhaps it is time to let go of that too. I was born of a Tuchuk Warrior and His mate, and named, but never was it revealed to me. Papa always tried to protect me. There were eyes upon me from the start because of my stature and my gifts. I was simply His Daughter of the Winds. Hard to pick out a girl for capture when no one knew Her name. Papa was a smart man. I think I will discuss this with Jerus. Perhaps, He knows of my name, maybe His father told Him.. or Hawks. If He does, why would He have kept it from me. Do I really want to know? It is Jerus' descision. I know now, I am His. In the deepest reaches of my soul, I know this. I fear though, that any record of the name is now lost. Still, I wonder. Who am I?
"Bring me to that special place,
To hear your voice, or see your face.
Send me off to where I am Free,
In your world where I can be me.
Hold me close and comfort my fears,
Touch me gently and wipe my tears.
Hear the beat of a heart again alive,
Feel the prayers of that which I strive.
Kiss me gently, delve into my soul,
Love me always, make me whole.
Guide me firmly with your hand,
Only with you, can I make my stand.
Take me away, let saddness be purged,
Pull me close, let the new girl emerge."
amber ~ 10/11/05
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