I cant help but hear the voices that speak to me even when I dont want to listen. Trouble is, they never shut up, they never leave me alone. We all have that inner voice that tries to guide us and teach us, but when there is more than one, how do you know which one to listen to? Ever wonder if one of those parts of your inner makeup is out to kill you? What if that dark, desolate demon that hides within all of us decided to just end it all... and you as a whole let it happen. If scar's make the man.. what makes the woman? We dont wear our colors on the outside, proclaiming to the world our accomplishments. We have to verbalize our victories and for that, we are scorned and labeled "chatterer's" or "hen pecking" Just once, it would be nice to hear.. Good job, or Im glad you did that... Instead of.. what the hell were you thinking. Im tired of being labeled a Woman that needs protection from herself. Some say they come down on me hard because My mouth will get me killed... but is it really me doing the speaking? I dont know anymore.
Its been a bad few days. Stuck with the kids.. listening to the voice of reasoning and disaster. Which road do I take? I try to remain impartial to the words of the others. Taking all in and judging the different routes to take. One side says.. to run and hide, one says.. forget this crap, it isnt worth it, one says... you give too much and get to little, another says... Men are this way, deal with it. Skies, everyone needs to shut up and let me live.
" Give give give.. take take take. Dont concider that I worry. I always come back, I always forgive. Not anymore. I have feelings too. Im strong but Im weak. Ive seen death, I watched it take life from ones I loved, it left it's mark on me... I am the next target. The blood in our veins... how tranquil it seems under the skin, a vibrant blue in color.. yet when we bleed it is red... as it dries..crimson... and once it stops.. it is almost black. Release is to feel it flow, to watch it drain and to stop it before you pass out. How cold that moment is, when one has reached the limit of blood letting... you almost cringe with the deafening sound of the beating of your heart within your ears... screaming for more blood.. aching to not stop. yet it's embrace is comforting and under my control. Dont cry..... "
A friend died today... killed herself... that is what she told me once... but was I listening? I didnt believe...
I was wrong...
I could have stopped it...
Forgive me
xoxo I love you Andie (RIP Andrea M)
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