Page 2 (9/28/2005) The Dream

Silkens Log: Tuchuk date.... awww hell, to early for that.....

Another night, another day. They all seem to blend together now. It isnt even light yet outside Jerus' Wagon and already the place is bustling with action. Why did I come back here? Damn, I love to sleep in....but ..... :::the quill made a small scratch mark where She paused and from the wagon, She hollared out::: AWWWW for SKIES SAKE, some of us want to sleep!!!! ::Not sure who it was that growled and slapped a fist to the wagonsteps... probably Bo, but She smiled anyways...::::
When I was on the Plains and in the cities, alone, People slept in till sometimes mid-day. Interesting, thought, I suppose. Sleep all day, conduct business all night....... that's when everyone is about. Well... time to get to work. I will be going to the city today, have a few order's to deliver.
:::quill was set to the page, and book closed... hopefully to pick up later tonight::::
::having ridden all morning, She finally caught up with Jerus and His group. He had some time to sit and talk before returning to His duties. Upon returning home, She immediately went to His wagon and took out the journal that She hid under a paga barrel:::
I dont know why... But the closer I got to home, the sadder I became. I think it was because I had to leave Jerus. Maybe only another hand before He is back. Damn male... why do they make us fall in love with them. It's like they have a plan to make it happen and no matter what we do, we can't stop it. As Ive said before, I never thought I could love again, or trust any male... Damn Jerus.. Damn damn damn ! Now I have to ask myself.. Can I live up to His expectations? Surely He knows just who I am... I never could be broken, free or slave... yet I find myself puzzled by His intellect and ingenuity. He certainly knows how to stop me in my tracks... and His voice, just makes me shiver. But Im not a slave, not anymore. I am Free.. Free to be His Woman. I wish He knew just how proud I am to be that. A fear of mine is that He would never know.
He asked that when He got back, that He be allowed to read my journal. I hadnt an answer for Him. It is easier for me to tell my feelings to a piece of paper, rather than being face to face with Him. We are both stubborn creatures. Truth be known? I fear verbal confrontations. I may be strong... bold... bitchy and ill tempered... but if one could feel the pulse racing through my veins and perhaps the subtle tremble that coursed over my body... well, I'd never be taken seriously again. I think Jerus can see right through me. No matter how I try to stand up to Him, He just smiles and poof, Im dead. Why did He ever come looking for me.....
Now that I know my heart aches for Him.... How do I show it in public without coming across... sappy or mushy. I am a very emotional Woman. When something is mine, in the technical term of the word, I want to touch it.. to hold it.. feel it.... and hope it returns that love. To be rejected again... No.. I couldnt take it. Even though I wasnt rejected in the past, I was left alone to fend and come to terms with what happened without that.. shoulder to cry on. And Jerus can make me cry. I havent in so long... but today, I felt the tears welling as I said goodbye. I couldnt look at Him, I just rode hard and fast, letting the wind dry the tears... I wouldnt even wipe them for fear He'd see. Even thought He said if ever any danger arose or my life was in jeopardy, He would see to it I was taken away to safety. How do I tell Him that.. I will not run.. A Tuchuk does not run. I will stand beside Him and fight for whatever cause.... My place is with Him, at His side, and if Im going to die.. it will be so... AT His Side.
Since I was a little Tuchuk, I always had this dream. It was of a large man, dressed in the pitchest of leathers... so black that He blended into the night. He rides a similar color kaiila except the eyes are beady.. and hauntingly red. The rider has yellow eyes that follow me no matter where I move or tried to hide. Sometimes the light of the moons would silloutte the figure and His beast. I can see the kaiila pawing at the ground.. sparks ripping up with each dig into the earth. The rider carries a lance of great size.. surely it could run through a dozen men with ease. But this lance... somehow, I knew.. was solely meant for me. Ive seen this blade over the years for split seconds in the dream.. First.. just the word "His" and having written them down over time.. I came up with "HisTr...... " I thought the word was "History"....Till just reciently after returning home, now finally, I have the saying. "His Treasure" Is it the riders name for His lance? The beast? Perhaps I'll never know.
The start of the dream, always the same, the rider appears on a hilltop.. and I catch the glimpse of Him for an instant.. then.. Im running, hiding, fleeing... until I see another image in the distance.. A Man.. tall, standing firm... arms folded across His chest. Cheeks scarred in multi-colors... He calls to me, but with no audiable words.. I can hear them in my mind. He tells me to run.. and that's when I hear the paws of the ghostly beast closing in on me.... I can feel it's breath on my neck... The riders evil laughter and then the sound of the lance drawing from it's sheath. "RUN Silken !!! Run girl !!!.... " and just before the steel is sliced down from the air towards my neck... I wake up.
I will ask Jerus to take me to the circles... to the Sardars... and there, together, we will face this dark shadow. I will slip into that state of semi-consciousness, where I can hear Jerus' voice, but still be in a dream state. Only a mask can guide one into such a state. And once there... I wont run. I will go to this other man and stand aside Him.. facing the phantom with all I have. My hand will slip into the hand of the lone caller that for years has cautioned me... for now I know His identity.... and...
.... I Love Him
::::Journal closed and She lay back to the furs, sighing softly as She closed Her eyes... a hand aimlessly filtering through His side of the bedding.. and just before sleep took Her, She swore She felt Him take Her hand, stroking it lovingly:::