Not many sounds send a shiver down my spine... There are 3 that readily come to mind... There is Jerus yelling... The beating of the drums in a death song... and Fonce's singing. But there is one sound.. a sound I have never forgotten in all my years.. that absolutely terrifies me... the *Click* of a collar. Outwardly.. one hears this sound differently than the person who's ears are just above the immediate area. You can feel the sound... you can feel the meaning... you feel utterly captured. Now... true.. it can be good.. for those that want it... it can be a joyous sound... but for a Free Woman... it is soul tearing. Such a sound I heard... and not from a watching stand point. Jerus made a promise that would be kept. Did I ever doubt this? No... I never doubt Him. Would I argue and fuss??? I thought I would if it happened. I was given the choice.. death or enslavement. I chose to live. I since have heard from a few of my Sister's... the line seems split as to who would die and who would take the collar. And in all truths.. I would have chose death... if it was by any other than Jerus. Will He keep me enslaved? I have learned to not question or even try to surmise what Jerus is thinking or planning. Do I want Him too? No... the children need and want their Momma. I want my children. I want Jerus... and I want to continue on that path I had begun back to being me. My ammends were made with Tanner.. Kam and Shi. I knew Jerus' punishment would top all priors. So when He came to the wagon.. where I was chained to the wheel... yes. I chose life. He made me strip.. which.. aside from the words He spoke that tore my heart out.. was the worst of it all. Most looked away... some watched. And now I wished all watched. Make me an example.. show that even the Elders make mistakes.. sometimes bad bad mistakes. Show the Women of this tribe that error is sometimes forgivable but not without consequences. Perhaps if more were held accountable for their actions... things wouldnt be as bad as they are. Let the one's who's tongue flag over and over.. spewing nothing but what lies in the trenches. Sickening lies.. twisted words to do nothing but inflate their ego's to another.. to gain what... a friend? An ally? Boskbum.... make people like you for who you are not how much crap you can stir up. Is hurting someone behind their back honorable??? Isnt that more or less equivalent to... robbing a blind man? Cowards. Lower than the dirt the urts walk upon.
I served with grace last night. With poise and honor. I held my head high and gave Jerus the honor and respect He deserved. I could hear the comments... the whispers... of how I so easily fell into acceptance... but I chose to live. If I wanted to die I would have given the choice first off. I did not fight it but yet showed that even in my situation... I upheld my honor... Jerus' honor. Was it easy? There are only three that know... or could touch on what I truely felt. Outwardly.. I cried. But more so on the fact that I could not go to Cana and help. Tayco died. And even though it was an honorable death... the thought of Cana and that precious baby boy growing up without Tayco's guidance and wisdom... rips at me more than the steel now around my throat. I wanted to run to Her... to be with Her... for I had been where She is.. in that dark.. cold abyss. I wanted to rock Her... scream with Her... let Her hit me. But I could not. I heard Tarra was allowed to see Her... and I am thankful.
When it seemed most of the group gathered.. save two.. would not let me serve them... be it to save me from embarassment.. or just because they themselves could not look at me... I left and went to the wagon. I looked at Sonny and Mia as they fussed... and I was afraid to touch them. Wily.. Starr and Talia... came not long after. I was still dressed as Jerus had clothed me. Clad-kajir..my hair was down. Wily staired at me for a long time yet ventured no further than Jerus' side. He would not come to me. When Jerus said to Him... Go to Momma, Wily. He refussed and curled against Jerus crying that ... the Woman before Him.. was not Momma... but looked like all the other girl's around the Harigga. That Momma was beautiful and unique.. She didnt look like anyone else around. The three cried for a long time.. calling for their Momma... and I was helpless to do anything. When I tried to nurse Mia and Sonny.. they fussed... they cried... it was if they sensed the pain and distance put to them. They are my babies... yet.. I knew within my being.. that I now owned nothing. I had lost the rights to be their Momma.. I had lost everything.
The twins fussing continued till they exhausted themselves to sleep. The other three left for bed after coaxing from Jerus. Dakota and Shanay I have not seen. But I heard that Jerus spoke to them 3 days ago and I am sure they are livid with me. Dakota must be... devistated. Jax told me He heard Shanay crying in Her wagon.... calling for me. I wanted to go to Her. But.. I could not. I was not their Momma anymore.. I was a slave to Jerus the Tuchuk. My mind told me otherwise... but my heart knew in the eyes of all... it was no longer.
This morning I woke early and finished everything Jerus assigned last night with the Paga Wagons and for Tayco. I did everything I normally do. Cooking for Jerus... cleaning.. and I even tried bosk milk with the twins that they emphaticly refussed. tanya wont look at me... when she see's me.. she turns the other way.. and disappears.
It is a lonely feeling. I miss Jerus... I miss my babies. I miss... life.
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