I cant say that I slept all that much last night... or in the past few days since..... this. Last night was the ultimate blow I could have felt. Shanay came... but She would not come in the wagon... She stood in the doorway and never looked at me. She was having trouble with Her Warrior Man that She is smitten on and needed to talk. I offered to speak to Her ... to come in.. we would have some tea... I would make some tea and we would talk.. all night if need be. I saw the tears roll down Her cheeks and She snapped at me... Her voice filled with anger. "So you can serve me like a slave ?" "No!" I cried to Her... " I am and always will be your Mother, Shanay!... please.. come talk to me." But whatever obsticale was in Her way... would not let Her. All the children know.. once that steel is around your throat.. you lose everything. Shanay choked up and then let out a scream.. " I hate you !!! You took my Momma away ! " Only then did She look at me for the briefest of moments.. Her eyes filled with pain.. anger.. sorrow. She ran off into the night... I tried to follow Her.. but was stopped by Jax. He sent a rider to watch over Her. I became angry.. I wanted to throw things.. hit people.. I wanted to scream as Kam said too... but I crumbled to the ground as these things were not afforded me anymore.
It wasnt long after that Wily paid me a visit. I lit up seeing my lil trouble maker and held my arms out to Him after wiping my cheeks. Wily walked right past me and got His stuffed larl that Shanay made for Him and then headed back to the door. I called to Him with a tilt of my head... "Wily? Wont you give Momma a hug?" He stopped.. I could see Him petting the larl... His lil voice... for such a young one.. was filled with the knowledge of the people.. I heard Jerus and I both in His answer.. in that which we taught them... " Your not my Momma anymore. I gunna live wif Ina now... She be my Momma. " He too ran out on me... leaving me on the wagon floor.. alone.... lost. I was cold... I was empty. My chest felt hollow. Jax entered and crouched beside me with a hand to my shoulder... I could tell there was more... and as easy as He could... finished that dagger being drawn across my heart by telling me that Talia and Starr had gone to Tarra.... they took Mia and Sonny too and had asked Her to live with Papa now cause She would be their new Momma. I had always known my Sister's would take over for me had anything happened. But damn it.. I was still alive and my children... my babies .. were now gone. Reguarding me as just one of those sluts at the fires... "Ohhh Skies... that's what I am !!! " I cried out... and Jax said.. " what silken.. what is it... " I could not answer Him as I lay there and cried.... I had lost everything... My children suffered... my Mate suffered... my family greived.
SKies forgive me........
I had broken my promise to my children to always be there for them..........
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