Last night I went to Cana's wagon and gathered up Tug and supplies and headed back to my wagon. Cana needed sleep... I need more things to distract my thoughts. Wily was sent off with Shanay so it was just me.. Talia, Starr, Mia and Sonny and lil Tug-a-roo. Talia is 4, Starr is 3 and Mia and Sonny will soon be 1 turnings old. It was fun to see the twins with Tug. Talia and Starr wanted nothing to do with Tug at first... they thought He was another added to our family... but soon... they warmed up to Him and were taking turns holding Him and singing... after I told them He belonged to Cana. They tired themselves out and I was actually sleepy myself... so I kept Tug close to me.. a hand on His back as I dozed off. Fully expecting to be woken up by the little one's cry. It was morning when Tug moved again.. stirring to life. Talia and Starr were up and heard the small cry of the little warrior and tended Him with a clean nappie and gave Him some milk. I sent them off with Tug after He was clean and coo'in. Watching the girl's return Him to Cana made me smile. My middle girl's are quite a pair... Talia is the thinker... You can see Her plotting.. planning or just figuring something out in Her head before She does it. She like to build things out of wood and any scraps She finds around camp. Starr... is my little mirror image.. a hellion.. full of spit and vinegar. She is a jit monkey... finding Her up on top of wagons... and in precarious situations that make even the strongest Men cringe. Mia and 5th son, Sonny... have their own personalities but havent fully become known yet. Both are happy children... and I spend most of my day with them... talking...singing.. playing... I tell them alot about Jerus since... they are mostly sleeping when He comes in from the herds... why was I even surprised when Mia's first word was Papa. At first I smiled... I cried... then I got mad... teasing Her of course and frowning as I whispered... sureeeee Papa... now how about Mama? She just laughed and chirped out Papa ! Starr chimmed in and said.... Mama.. She's right. I didnt connect it till soon after. I left the children with Shanay and headed to the stream to fish. I wasnt there long whena rider was spotted on a hill.. staring at me. The large kaiila was seen moving then... running towards me. It's rider tall in the saddle... my heart lept right away. Jerus rode up and swung down from Toronado. He pinned me to the ground and kissed me till my very breath was taken. He then got up... lifted me to His shoulder and set me to the saddle facing Him. His kisses as we rode were erotic in their simplicity. We talked... we laughed.. smiled... I cried. I told Him of the feelings... that were consumming me. I asked questions... to which I got answers... Jerus answers. They didnt fully explain things... but made sense. And as we made love.. in the saddle over a slow walk of His beast... I felt the fire returning to my soul. Toronado followed the stream as Jerus and I enjoyed each other... I was never so aware of sounds and senses during that time. And I have figured out that it is He.... Jerus... that keeps me alive. When He tilts my head to look at Him... when His fingers run through my hair and He looks into my eyes... there is a smile that no one ever see's but me. I cherish that smile... and it is my light in the darkness. It is why when He is gone... I feel so alone. But I must remember that I am in His heart.. and He is in mine... forever.
If I could only bottle this feeling up and take it when I needed
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