:::returning from the stream... She searched the wagon for the journal... finding it strewn behind a crate and sat in the growing darkness of the wagon. The small lamp was lit and She turned to the next blank page...::::
It's is true... I am lost.. Tanner was right. How I want to tell Him... tell the other's what happened. Would it change their thoughts on what I had done? Would it shed light on just what happened? How I sacrificed myself? Yes... yes it would. But I cannot ever tell. I cannot ever explain... for it would mean death. I promised... and I wont ever break that promise. There are things I cannot even write on these pages... for fear someone might find them and use this knowledge against me. I walk a very fine.. thin.. line... and the outcome of stepping off it... is to grim to bear in thought. I will go crazy thinking about this.. worrying... hearing the words spoken over and over in my mind.. fresh as the day and time they were uttered. The unrelenting pain... anguish... torment that I have to bear... it is... drowning me.
Eyes... Im afraid of the eyes. The visions they hold only to the owner. What I see in them... I cannot look at... what they make me remember... I cannot think about anymore. The reflections... how they change in my point of view... taking me back to that fateful day. His eyes... the worst of all... how He looked at me with disgust and sorrow... pain... even hatred. How His words still cut through me like a hot blade against butter. Always in the back of my eyes this vision. It haunts me worse than any dream Ive ever had... even worse than the dark one that floats around my world. I am consummed by the eyes... I cannot breath when I am forced to look at them... I cannot sit still.. wanting to run from them. I cannot see past the fear of that noose tight around my neck. I want to scratch out my eyes... so I never have to look at them again. I want to fade into the shadows so theynever have to look at me and remember the pain. If this is another lesson... I dont want it. It is the worst of all so far. I see the visions dancing in the flames of the fires... I cannot avoid them... I hear the whispers on the winds... even the shadows that once held me close point icy cold fingers into my back and force me with a regal laughter that chills me to my core. Im so twisted... I dont feel anything right now.
Anger and agony Are better than misery But I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain
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