It is a good thing to have someone to rely on and know you can speak to when things are at there worst. I am fortunate enough to have several I can trust with my inner most secrets and worries. Yet only one hears everything... including my fears, aside from Jerus.... Tarra. The bond between runs deep and even though Ive done things to sever that tie... like a wound, it heals with time. Tarra came to the stream the other day and we were able to speak... as usual She gave Her input to my worries and eased the mind of reckless decisions I had thought out. She knows what I have to lose if I act upon these thoughts... but I also dont want that hanging over my head. I cant and wont be afraid of it... nor my decision to just walk away.
In any event... Tarra has received another blow within Her life and the loss of another child. I cannot say how we just keep riding this up and down trail and keep getting up in the morning. Until I stepped back and watched Her... I thought I was the only one with such misery to bear. But what I think everyone must remember is... yes we get back up on the kaiila that threw us.... but we struggle and it isnt easy. We are Tuchuk... and we are fiercely protective of the people.. and.. our emotions. Is it weak to ask for help??? This is a question Ive been mulling over for quite some time... I am still not sure. I know it does not take the death of a loved one... even our own blood to need it. It could be something so simple as an event that hurts our heart or soul... but if someone wont listen to that hurt... it just consumes. So.. why should I care about it if no one else does??? Well... because Im me. Can you honestly expect me to stand by and let history repeat itself?? You cannot tell me that things will be fine.. dont worry... I would be one rich Tuchuk if I had a coin for everytime I heard that. Tarra... understands this. She knows the feeling to just walk away. It's not hiding.. it's not weakness... it's protection.
Whether or not She knows I am with Her... I dont know.. Im sure She feels me. But I willstay beside Her... right beside Her... even if that's sitting outside the wagon. I understand now that... no matter what happens.. I cannot change what will be... and if that means more hurt.. then so be it.
Neither She... nor I deserve this.
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