A very close friend to me said something. Listen with your heart and not your ears. At first... I didnt give rhyme nor reason to this saying until I found myself alone in a darkened wagon with a painfully throbbing knee and an even worse throbbing head. As I sit here thinking on the events that brought me to this latest excursion... that saying popped into my thoughts. I laughed. I laughed more... till I cried. Was I the exception to this new found rule? I always did listen with my heart... that's why it hurt so. I didnt need to see with my eyes.. for the feelings I get tell me everything I need to know. Perhaps if I listen instead with my ears... I wouldnt be in so much pain. I might be worth a shot.
I have been lucky to be cared for by Falon.. Shi and Tarra. Shi surprised all of us by showing He learned much from Tarra. And here we all thought the Man was worse than a bosk. He did well in seeing I had food and water. Falon patched me up.. and while I dont remember much of the talks... I know She asked me many questions to keep the scrambled ideas and thoughts in my head from overwhelming me. My meeting with Tarra was as always silent but meaningful. Times like these... She and I can be silent yet more words spoken by a mere touch. I can tell her things that I wouldnt dare share with another living soul. She doesnt judge me... but tries to help me make sense of the feelings and emotions. I am learning to not act so harshly off the start and I am learning to step back and let things run their chosen course. I cannot change what will come.. I can mearly try and guide it. This goes without saying that I am not happy with the track things are taking right now. I am not optimistic in the future.. that trail is in the hands of another. I can only see myself losing at this point... it is up to one to change that. It is up to one to see the errors of their way. I grow tired of trying and it is becoming cumbersome to keep repeating myself. To beg for this to be seen... to cry that you dont understand... to express that it hurts me.... falls on deaf ears. My head is not screwed on right but I am getting help with that.
Cana brought me cinnie and nut buns. I was so happy to finally eat something warm and soooo yummy. Cana swore me to not tell She was such a good baker. I told Her if She kept me supplied with these buns... I wouldnt tell a soul. I want them all to myself. I heard all about Her fishing trip with Wily... this made me smile. Poor Wily... Cana and Loch mating... broke His heart again. But I can say this for my little Warrior.. He does choose well in His Mates. Wily asked me now about Falon... I can see where this might be leading and.... I laugh. Bo and Dashie came for a visit... Dash brought a basket of oils and helped to clean me up... Bo was His usual charming self. But I was happy to see Him. It had been a long time. I dont see enough of them... and I really need to. Hopefully that will change now. Lochlan sent a huge supply of things for me. I read the note and felt a sudden swell of pride. Not because He thought of me... but because He had shown honor. teaya was killed for dishonoring Him and our Tribe. I didnt really know the girl other than what I was told by other's and by our slave tanya. tanya had said of the venom spoken and shown by the girl during a chance meeting with her and Jerus. I chalked this up to slave rivalery... but now.. it makes sense. tanya said how the slave had changed in the presense of the Free... becoming haughty beyond seductive. It would seem once she was under the collar of a single Man... she thought she was invinciable. she was wrong. And Lochlan not only corrected a wrong but hopefully showed the other's.. you are not untouchable. Yes... I am proud of Lochlan... and thankful of the supplies that I will be breaking down into smaller.. usable portions. This will keep me busy and hidden for awhile. Not only sorting through the supplies... but my head and thoughts as well. My decision must be made soon... this gives me the alone time to come to it.
Shi has been a great help. We arent fighting as much. He has been maintaining a calm persona around me... not trying to aggravate or irk me. I do chuckle when He tosses me a bota from the platform into the wagon... but... it is how things must be.
Jerus pops in and out like a ghost in the mist. Duties keep Him busy most of the time. I wish He had more time... I know He could sort things out and help me if He could. Yet when He is here.. His thoughts are elsewhere. He is the type of Man that even when resting... knows someone is doing something that He wouldnt do that way. He likes things done His way.. and no other way. And that makes Him a very hard person to live with. Especially now... I feel second hand to things He does. It is selfish to want to be first.. yes... but it wouldnt hurt now and then. He is old and set in His ways... so am I. Still... I cant help but wonder about the what if's and when's.
Time will tell.
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