I slept surprizingly well last night considering. Having spent most of the day speaking with Tarra.. Kam and Shi. The anger seems to be fading... leaving me with some guilt issues... but as Im reminded.. I did nothing wrong. Tarra especially showed me I gave it my all.. I didnt back down even when I should have.. I didnt give up till it was shown.. I could give no more. I know I should be satisifed with what I did and how I did it.. but it still hurts... alittle... ok maybe more than alittle. I asked each one of them.. what did I do wrong? All said the same thing... it was not you. And yes.. I wanted to run and hide... I wanted to curl up and die... they refussed to let me. Tarra's anger with the situation was actually calming to me. I know She always has my back but tonight... I knew She had me fully in Her comforts and my well being in mind. The talks of dismemberment and vile.. horrid things to come brought a smile to my face. Sometimes.. I cant live with Her.. but I cannot live without Her... She is my best friend and my most cherished Sister. Kam... brought His reasoning to the table. Comforting me with what I knew deep down but had tried to push it away. As usual He would not let me sink deeper down into despair. I know He loves me and supports me... that's why He is so hard on me. I wouldnt change neither Kam nor Tarra... they are my family and I love them. Then there is Shi. Through all the years of my trials and tribulations... He has been there. Supportive.. demanding... funny... taking my abuse... listening to me whine and cry and always being a pain in my ass. At times I hate every fiber of His being... and at times the love I have for Him is endless. He is the epitomy of a friend. His actions towards me could have been deemed over the top and with different intentions... but He maintaned honor always with me. Ive hurt Him many times with a forked tongue... rarely thinking before I speak... just as I do with Tarra at times. It is a comfort zone that I fall into.. lashing out at my best friends... defensively. I could not make it through this without them as a whole. I am surrounded by love.. kindness and understanding. It will be a rough road... but I will make it... with each one by my side. I did everything I could and then some. It is not my fault. It is time....
Let it be...... and let go.
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