When Jerus died over 3 moons ago now.... My initial reaction was... what about the children. I was mad He left them, the 5 younger one's.. they would not have the chance to grow up knowing their Papa... He would be just a memory to a few... and not even a vision to the twins. Then I was sad that Mia and Sonny would never see or remember His eyes.. those eyes that could melt through anything I was feeling. And yet a few more days passed and I was happy... happy that if the children just looked within themselves.. they would see Him. Starr has His sandy blonde hair... Wily.. has His eyes. Though the rest are more of mix of each of us. Those two are our Mini-me's.
My next fear was... who would be my Guardian. I had asked Fonce for it to be Kam. My reasons were well known to Kam for this. But something prevented Him from accepting. I have since learned His reason behind this. I am sad to say I only wished it could have been discussed before now, I think things would have been different. I was worried.. and with good reason. I feel guilty over not going to Kam as we both now see there was a misunderstanding.
I then had a small private discussion with my Sister, Tarra. Honestly dont remember if we actually sat and talked somewhere or She came to visit in one of my dreams. I just remember Her telling me that life goes on and it is precious.. valuable... and not to let an Ehn of it pass by. Then came embarassment... not the motifying kind but that teasing kind where you want to blush. She was having way too much fun about Shi and I.. and I did enjoy listening to Her. But for me there was still that hesitation that I needed to wait. How soon was too soon? I looked to Tarra and my other Tribal Sister for answers. I watched Tarra, Dash and Cana mostly for they seem to be the only other Females that come to the main fires without needing certain Men there. They do not spit venom or barr their fangs towards other people in thoughts or snide comments. They know the true meaning of being a Sister... not just a "Sister of the Tribe" They have love in their hearts and even when mad.. you feel it. There is no false sense of security in them... no reason to lash out with words ment to hurt. They are confidant.. secure.. proud Women... I would want my girl's to grow up around them and learn from them. They are true Tuchuk... not a shadowy wanna be.
Whatever Shi and Jerus spoke of reguarding me... I have not been privy too... I dont know if I want to be... or if I ever will be... that is between them. I can only assume what was spoken given the tidbits of knowledge offered. I know it was some pact made among brother's many moons ago. Perhaps it was why Shi was so overly protective. Which brings me back to Kam. My voice of reasoning. This is why I wanted Him as my Guardian. There is that promise Shi made to Jerus that prevented Him from looking with the right eyes, hearing with the right ears and knowing with the right mind. While there is no fault in what was done.... I feel Kam could have aided in clearing much up before hand. During a talk the three of us had... it was obvious I seem to have an issue(s) that is holding me back. I didnt have time to finish the conversation... so Im not sure just what is seen. Time seems to be the problem. Too much? Too little? Im back to confused again.
On a good note... Bo seems to be back around the fires more. This makes me happy. I missed seeing Him and Dashie Pants. My Nephew Lochlan... Kam, Garyx and Trilok have earned scars. This makes me proud. All will do well.. they are strong.. they are Tuchuk. Shi has earned back a Command. I am happy for Him. As for me... my last Trade route secured 41 satchels of salt. I gave Kam the list and had the salt brought to the wagon. I may be going out again next week to a different route to see how much more I can get. My customers do look at me funny when I ask for salt in trade... but not giving any information out.. I simply say we are moving North soon and want to have some ready for that. The tablets are working well. I tried them on my children already and the honey coating makes them easier and tastier to take. I do have to watch Wily.. He thinks they are candy. The numbers are in the millions now.. with continued on-going work day and night. The paga slaves have the idea of what to do and this eleviates alot of my work. Four more presses were comissioned a month ago and they arrived yesterday. Another wagon added... and the tablet making phase has doubled. Wily helps guard the wagons... Shanay...Talia and Starr help make the tablets... Dakota works on getting His first command... Mia and Sonny even help... cleaning up bowls and returning them to Falon. It is life among the Tuchuk....
It is Tribe above all.
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