My talk with Fonce still in the forefront of thoughts... sometimes it was all I could think about. I wouldnt say it was confusion as much as it was realization that someone noticed the turmoil within me. Ive been trying to curb my anger and act properly as expected and I was doing fairly well.. till tonight. I told Fonce that I felt like something inside me was getting tighter and tighter.. soon to snap. Im not so sure I know what it is... this worries me.
It all started last eve when Shi and I and the children gathered at the stream for a small moment. Shi was insistant on wanting the blood ceremony that joined our lives as one. I figured that those that rode the Skies were already tired of both of us.. standing before them and pledging our hearts to someone. I wish I could just shake this feeling I have and let go. As Shi finished the ceremony... an arrow whistled through the air and landed in the water.. skewering a fish. Saresh emerged from the darkness to retrieve it and left just as quick... muttering and bitching. Shi picked me up and we went back to the Harigga. Now... I owed Falon for placing a wager against me so I went limp in Shi's arms... I already had blood on me from the blade being drawn through my hand... and I really over did it by hanging my tongue out of my mouth. Shi looked at Saresh and said... So it was you. Falon jumped up and ran over.. and Shi said.. Someone was shooting arrows down by the stream. When Falon got close.. I sat up and grabbed Her cheeks.. kissing Her. Well we laughed... She didnt. Falon stormed off. Skies... I cant tell you how many times in training to be a healer... someone had played that joke on me. In any case... I went to the fires this evening where Cana, Falon and Kam were and sat to have a bowl of blackwine. Falon approached... drew back Her arm and socked me one in eye. Yeah.. it hurt.. but what I felt beyond that... scaired the living shit out of me. For a moment... I saw myself rising and grabbing Her around the throat and snapping Her neck. In my fingers.. I felt the overextension of muscles... the crack of bone..... I felt Her last breath brush over me....I saw Her lifelessbody crumple to the ground. This was no vision.. this was.... a terrible memory. I have killed before.. in defense... they were times I thought I had stowed away secretly... things I never shared with anyone... things that happened when I was alone with Dakota and Shanay before coming home. My bowl of blackwine was quickly deposited over Falon's head and I went to get a replacment while She ranted abit. I started getting angry.. I felt it welling up... I tried to pass it off as youth... but I could not shake the haunting rememberance of what just stirred back up within me. I had to leave... and I did.
The coil inside me tightened more... I felt ill... I wanted to vomit.. to try and rid myself of the feelings... try to purge them from me.
I sat to my wagon steps and looked ahead... I saw many colors.. little pinpoints of light darting through my vision.. they turned black and grey and then swirled till I thought I would pass out. I had to close my eyes and breath.
Maybe... Im just over tired.
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