I found myself unable to sleep last night... tossing and turning... aggravated and fustrated. The fun at the fire only Ahn's before worn like a mask to hide the true feelings within. Shi was naturally curious how His Mate got such a shiner and I thought it fun to tease alittle on how it happened. This sent Cana...Trilok.. Falon and Kam into fits of laughter.. which for that moment.. made me forget that which troubles me. Tears were running down cheeks and sides were hurting. I thought for sure this would help my mood... yet soon as it stopped.. I felt the tightening return to my gut.
I have tried my best to open up to Shi in public... Ive done all I can to show Him I am receptive... but I just feel something is not right. I know He isnt the other's... He is nothing like any of my Mate's in the past... I just cannot get used to such proper behavior, if that's what this is. I do not blame Him... this has nothing to do with Him... it is the way He is.. A Man, A Warrior.. Commander... and the like. I watched Bo and Dashie get quite familar with each other in camp.. and I heard of all the recourse because of it... but I so enjoyed seeing a Mate that loved His Woman enough to cuddle and touch Her. I know Bo is more than strong enough to back up whatever He does... and I know Dashie well enough that She wouldnt do anything that crossed the line. I watch Cana with Loch... and Tarra with Garyx... how they sit touching each other.. stealing those small looks and smiles... and words of simple encourgement. A hand to the back or shoulder... leg... knee. I cant say I wasnt thrilled when Jerus used to ride into camp and scoop me up... smother me with kisses and praticly raped me right on the spot. I know He too was comfortable in who and what He was and didnt care who looked or saw. I have such grand idea's of what is and what should be. I suppose that will fade with time as well. I do not expect any of this from Shi... He is a more quiet.. set back Man. Yet I find myself feeling guilty when I do silently compare Him to another. I dont want to... I try so hard not to... but these thoughts just pop up. I feel absolutely horrible when it happens. I am guilty however of being a Woman... passionate.. full of emotions and wants. I have desires and needs. Only receintly did I embrace these as me.. Silken the Tuchuk Free Woman.. rather than trying to be some Warrior Wench of the Plains. It was easier then to be cold and callouse and hide these emotions. But now that they have surfaced... Im not so sure how to handle them.
I try to tell Shi these things... but perhaps we have known each other so long... He just doesnt get it or understand or just brushed it off as one of my moods. I dont want to bother Him with the silly thoughts of a Woman. He works hard enough and doesnt need this shit. I dont want Him to think I am trying to change Him.... but I dont know how to move on this. Sometimes I can sit there among dozens of people and feel so isolated. A small bead lost among the tall grass.
This is my own fault.... I did it to myself.
I lived.
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