<<<<< OOC.. which.. for explaination sake means OUT OF CHARATURE.. that means.. Amber is speaking.. Amber, the Mun behind Silken... ok? Good.. now that we have established that.... onward and upwards. First off.. If you are reading this.. you are part of a new elite group with the privledge to do so. Why? It seems some people cannot practice the God given right of Self Control and want to complain about what is in certain journals. Nancy Reagan started it.. Just say No. Dont read it. But in any case... Since they cant seem to stop their fingers from clicking.. Ive taken temptation away. I work with children all day... I know how to remove the pangs of addiction. Now... if you are on my list and cannot control yourself either.. feel free to e-mail me and I will be glad to remove your right to it as well. But I wont put you back on when the withdrawls start. :::winks::: Ohhhh and if this is being copied and pasted... then sent to someone that cant read it and you want to??? E-Mail me as well... ask me why... maybe you already know. Maybe I just forgot you. In any case... It's Silken's journal... Her thoughts... not your's. Last time I checked... No one.. not even a Man of Gor could control what thoughts are to be had. With that said.. enjoy your play.. enjoy life.. cause the train stops at that last station far to quick.
Peace.. love and wet sloppy licks ! >>>>>
:::Silken took Her journal back from Amber after beating the crap out of Her and then stepped back into the world of Gor:::
Im a little Tuchuk.. short and stout.. err no.. that isnt correct.. hmmm Im a brazen Tuchuk... tall and bold... Im a great big bitch and Im not that old.. :::snickers::: Ahhhh it's been interesting ohhh little leather binder of my thoughts. I havent written because I was just able to get you back being you were in my wagon and Im chained to Shi's. Chained?? You ask why? I went trading and had a run in with an admirer. He decided to borrow me for a ransome. So... Shi paid the guards... paid them more than requested just to have extra chains put on me for the ride home. Thoughtfull of Him..wasnt it? Yet on that ride home... I suddenly realized why Ive been so boogery lately. For the definition of boogery.. scroll back some umpteen pages.
Im mad at Shi.
Mad that it it He that makes me remember Jerus is gone. Mad that He wants me to heal. Mad that He loves someone like me. Mad that He claimed me without my answer. I still am not sure how I would have answered. I love Him alot.. I do. But Jerus was such a big part of my life and my soul. I cannot just turn off the feelings I had for Him... I do believe I needed time to accept those feelings. Ohhh I tried to hide them.. being happy and full of joy joy thoughts... but I was only fooling myself. It is no one's fault.. not even Shi's... it was mine. I know He loves me and for that I am thankful. He provides for me and the children well. He helps nurture the young one's and even me. He has taught me much about myself. I have grown with His help... being He is always here for me. Jerus was not. That is my only fault I can give Him. But I know Im mad for all the wrong reasons. Its not really Him... Im mad at.... it's myself.
The laughter at the fires... is just a cover up to hide my pain. Its no secret.. laughter directed at me... or because of me gives me pleasure. I can sit with the other's I trust... I can lick their cheeks... I can snuggle with them... why? Because I am secure in who and what I am. Does my attention towards other's, both male and female.. make me a slut?? a whore? No. A slut can be picked up and carried off and made to bend at the whims of the person. I cannot be. A whore is paid to entice and invoke a reaction. I cannot be. :::laughs then thinking of Shi with a Tuchuk pimp hat... yeah pimp my wagon baby!!!:::: I am comfortable in where I am in my skin right now. Shi is comfortable too... at least He hasnt said anything otherwise. He knows His Woman isnt going to run off with every one She comes in contact with. Isnt it funny.. I can sit in the lap of a Warrior whom I know and trust with my life and I am ridiculed... yet I can sit in my Sister's lap and the men begin to drool. Would they waggle a finger at me for wiggling in Her lap? And on a more further extreame point... Would they chastize me for shoving my tongue down Her throat? No.. they would cheer and oggle.. then go off with a raging hard on. And I would be sliced and diced by my Sister. ::snickers:: I am who I am... love me or hate me. It doesnt matter. I am me.. and I am confidant. Are they?
Tarra has noticed the swirl of confusion in me... I feel Her glances on me and hear Her words that She is here for me. Ive just shut myself off to so much... I wouldnt know where to begin.
I do know whatever comes of this.. when it boils to a head... someone will get hurt... I can only hope it is me.
It is my pain to bear.
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