Page 185 (9/18/2007) Slip slidin away

Bo said it... I heard Him.. yet did not. I listened.. but could not hear. He said I am fading away piece by piece. I can honestly say.. I know this.. I can feel it. Each night I lay down and try to sleep I feel another small piece ripped from me and I wake up scratching that spot. Am I giving it? Or is it being taken as it should be.
My anger with Shi only escalated after speaking to Bo. He tried eariler to give me an altimatum to which I would not stand. He wound up storming off.. several times. I dont deserve Him.. I dont deserve me.... He doesnt need the bundle of attitude that is Silkenhawk. First and foremost.. Shi is my Friend... my best friend. Yes.. He was there for me.. despite the rumors which I will not give further life to by speaking more of them. I know that no matter what I do I will be losing my best friend. Someone I could always talk to... trust to calm me and help me reason things out.
It has been said... He cannot handle me. This is why we fight and argue so much. Of late.. I have crawled into a shell to hide from this. I simply cannot fight anymore.
I tried to move my wagon's last night... I needed my space.. I needed to breath. I wasnt allowed. Fine... I would only take the Pink Nightmare.. Jerus gave me that. No... it wasnt mine to take now. So I left... and wandered for a long time. Mars found me. I hadnt seen Him much since the pyre. He asked how I was... I could not answer.. just stare at Him blankly. He took me to Blood. I heard them speaking... I couldnt make sense of the words. They took me to Dakota's wagons. How humiliating. My own son left as a Guardian of His Mother. Her mind?.. Dakota asked.. and I saw Blood and Mars nod. It happened... but She held up longer than I thought, Mars said. Longer than what? What happened? I could hear myself thinking the words... I could not say them. I tried screaming... I know I winced.. but they didnt turn. I feel the pins and needles creeping up my legs... I cant move to stop them.
Its cold here...