I woke this morning feeling thin...pale and drained. The fever was gone... the tremors remain though not as severe. My legs twitch only occasionally... the pain is gone.. at least from my stomach.. replaced with one of a deeper kind in my heart. Oh great Skies.. I said looking up at the top of the wagon... What have I done? How can I say Im sorry? It just isnt enough. When I looked over.. I saw Jax standing with His arms folded.. watching me. My look of inquistion must have told Him who I looked for and He simply stated.. He went off to sleep... He's been up with you for days. Jax then looked away... I had hurt Him as well. I hurt so many... I know I hurt Shi the most.. and I hurt Fonce... Tarra... Kam... and Falon.. for they knew. I even hurt the other's... Cana.. Saresh.. Polunu.. T'zuri... everyone that did not know.. I had inadvertantly hurt. I hurt my children by denying them their Mother. The pain started to return... it was light and gnawing.. but bearable.
For the first time in a week I tried to brush my hair... the shaking made it difficult but I managed to get it presentable. A braid was not possible so a simply long bind of a bosktail was put in. I asked Jax for help in rising... and I felt like I had forgotten how to walk. He turned around as I struggled to dress and then helped me out to the platform to take some air. The wagons had started moving again... today I would sit outside and watch.. reflect. I had no idea what day it was... or where we were... or even how long I had been out. I only hoped we were close to the Northern Plains... I need a bath. Shanay did help with a few bucket baths... and some scented oils... but one never could get fully clean on the trail. We all stunk... :::that brought a small laugh::: but we were Tuchuk. Our perfumes were the grass... the bosk.. and the dirt.
I thought long and hard and I finally realized that they were all my family and wanted nothing more than for me to heal and be well. I knew then that I had to seek out those that knew... those that I had hurt... and I had to offer my appologies. Sorry seems to be the hardest word... and it doesnt mean much. It is just a word. But it is honest and sincere. I realize my mistake in trying to tame this beast alone.
I closed my eyes and let the rocking of the wagon calm my body... letting the warmth of the central fire wash over me.. and I took in the air that was crisp and new.
A new day Silken... another chance at a new start.
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