I dont know what it is.... is it the kanda? The trail? the events of the past days? The weather? Skies... I wish I knew. But Im angry. Not.. Wily broke my favorite drinking cup angry... but.. look at me the wrong way and I'll tear your head off angry. I dont know why. But I can feel it in my body... under the skin. Ive felt this before and Ive snapped. Im trying to avoid people and doing so again. I feel dead inside and I can feel people looking at me.... yet I only see skeletons... I cant look back at them.
Ive seen Shi maybe twice since the move started. I know He stayed with me when my withdrawals were at the worst.. but I dont remember Him being there... and we certainly did not get any quality time while I was either sleeping or wretching. Dont get me wrong.. I know He has more important things to tend to than me and the children. I know since the weather started fucking with us... He is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.... but hell... it's like not being mated at all. Guess that isnt such a bad thing... makes the decision I have to come to once we arrive North.. alot easier. Boskass... I cant even make up my mind of what to drink anymore.
The Elders say a few more weeks and I should be void of the after-effects of the kanda. I notice when I get nervous the twitches and jerks of limbs start.. and that annoying tremor my foot does... starts up. She also said that this is something deeper within me that allowed this to happen... something.. I myself may not even know what it is. And until I can locate it and face it... I will always be at risk. She told me to seek out a Spex .. to try and find the demon that lives in the darkest recessess of my mind. I left Her wagon.. crunching through the snow with more of a bewildered look than ever. A Spex... easy enough to find.. I knew and trusted one with my life and my most inner secrets. But She Herself was busy with everything in Her own life... and I never go to Her with such stupid things when the shit is hitting the wagon wheel. The other Spex... we He... is just worse off. He could suffocate in the shit that piles up. No.... I can bother neither right now. Maybe someday... Tarra and I will be able to sit down and talk again. Maybe even Fonce and I... I dont know. Maybe both. Maybe they will find me... they always seem to know when I need them. Maybe they could put a whammy on me and get this out of my head for good.
Maybe... that's what Ive been trying to do... all along.
I've heard it been said that the Sky has a sense of humor... well shit... Im not laughing.
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
It must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin'
I've been wrong, I've been down
To the bottom of every bottle
Despite words in my head
Scream "Are we having fun yet?"
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