Im getting too old for this shit. I know this because the trail just kicked my ass this time. Of course it had help from my state of mind and body. Ive lost count of the trips past Turia now.. they all seem to blend together. They are only marked by events now... The year Blood died... then Hawks... Mars.. Steel... now Jerus. But also celebrated as the year each child was born was thrown into the mix of calculations as well.
I was talking to tanya today as we worked on getting the wagons settled and crates unpacked... we were still pouring dust and dirt out of things.. and chipping dried mud from other's. Shi saw to the canvas' being repaired and the wagon's fixed back up. This gives me a small amount of evidence that He is alive... though I have yet to see Him. Cant blame Him... who would want to be around me. Ive turned out to be more of a nightmare than my pink wagon. Actions speak louder than words... and His words are few and far between. He doesnt talk to me anymore as much as He talks at me. Im pretty sure I deserve it. I guess... I dunno. With so much time on my hands this trip to think... it was not a pretty picture I painted of myself. So much confusion and thoughts swirled as bad as the winds did. I dont think I make Him happy.. or proud... how could I.. being the failure I am. I am not a good Mate... more of a child needing a sitter. That's how I see it. I miss laughing and joking with Him. I miss the walks and talks we had... in depth talks about our lives and things we hoped for in the future. Even though I denied it then... I missed the way He used to look at me... how He was once lost in my eyes. I wonder if He is dying inside because of me and what I have... or have not become. Can a person kill another person without ever touching them? I used to be able to climb that wall He builds or tear through it like a stampeed... now... it just seems to high or thick for me to conquor. Again... its my fault. I dont blame Him... Im a disaster. I know now that I had hoped to stop this muttled complexity of thoughts with the kanda and let me return to my good ole fun loving self... that... backfired. It seems it's too late to try again. Its getting harder and harder to get back up from the fall.
tanya was babbling on and on as these thought captured my attention.. and in truth I was not even listening to her anymore. I lifted and headed into our wagon and my head met my fuzzy pink pillow as I fell into the furs. The mirade of thoughts ceased for the moment and only one thing was left to dance in my internal imagery....
a long.. hot... relaxing bath.
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